Change of Custody at 14, Emotional abuse??

[SuprDelight]

2 weeks after our 14 year old DS came for his summer visit, Ex called and said she was being evicted and that we should keep DS here (different states). A couple hours later she calls and says nevermind, send him home, and by the way he needs to come home a week early. DS calls her when DH gets home from work and she starts in on him for losing a school book and how he will pay the fine. EX tends to get really nasty when upset, puts DS down, calls him worthless, lazy... stuff like that.  A huge fight errupts between Ex and DH over the phone, with DS standing right there hearing both sides.

After the fight, we had a discussion during dinner about the way she disciplines him, physical and emotional. It is as bad as we thought it was. He also told us she talks badly about DH when it gets close to visitation time, and has a Hallloween pic of the 3 of them (post divorce) with DH ripped out. He said himself that he has been brainwashed by his mother and her family. Ex called 10 times during dinner threatening to call cops and even posted on DS's facebook that he better call or she will call the cops. We were just trying to cool off and eat dinner. DS called his mom back and with the strangest look on his face, he said I want to live with dad. I think the conversation we had and the way she talked to him on the phone gave him some sort of ephipany.

She actually agreed to let him stay!!

So fast forward a month into school and we have a teenager who is struggling with high school. Yep, I thought we could solve all of the problems, boy was I wrong. His grades are online, she sees them and calls him and reems him out, threatens to make him go back, calls him all sorts of nasty stuff. We call him downstairs to have a talk about the exact same thing 20 min later, not knowing that he just had his ass chewed. As soon as we start talking about it he starts balling, says he's worthless, can't do anything right.... He has gotten to the point that he doesn't want to go back and live there. We have set up an appointment with a therapist to figure out if we are dealing with emotional abuse. I am wondering if this can be considered a change in circumstances for a modification of custody? Has anyone ever dealt with this? what was the outcome?

Sorry it's so long, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

[ocean]

You need to get a lawyer immediately and have them get you emergency temporary custody. (not regular custody hearing). Since mom left him with you and he started school with you, she can not keep threatening to take him home every week.

School- Email all his teachers, get the extra help day for each of the subjects he is not doing well. Have him stay after school. Most schools the teachers must stay once a week for extra help. Look at his homework each night. Call the guidance counselor and see if these classes are good for him, maybe he can take a regular class rather than any advanced classes. Ask the guidance counselor what activities and clubs there are. See if child will pick one or two to join- meet friends. Sign him up for an outside activity if school does not offer one or volunteer somewhere.

Have your DH email ex that he is on top of the grades and working with son and teachers. If she harasses him on the phone then you will limit the phone calls. Tell son, if mom starts with you, then just say "I have to go, call you tomorrow" and hang up. If it continues, let her phone calls go to voicemail. If she continues to call constantly, shut off ringer. Get proof of calls from phone company for court. At the same time, if his grade are not good, she is within her parent duty to be on top of him too.

Come up with a system in your house. What does son like? Video games, computer, phone? Use those as motivators. If you sign into his grades on Friday and they are fine he earns his electronics, if he does not, he has to make up the work and no electronics until the next friday.

If mom is that bad on facebook, block her from posting on his page, she can read it but she can not post or send messages that way until she behaves.

Interview the counselor first. I found a few that were wacky and would not work for us. Go in , talk to them , ask them how they would handle this situation, how they would talk to son, would they be willing to call ex in sons behalf, would they write a letter for the courts if needed.

Good luck.

[tigger]

. . . until she behaves.

LOL! That cracked me up!