Child support more than I can afford/Never even seen my child!!

[plex_love]

Hi, im a 30 year old male from Missouri. 7 years ago me and my girlfriend found out we were pregnant, she left me around 4 months along (for no reason except her parents didnt like me) and told me to never contact her and i would never be able to see my child!
After trying to contact her for several months I was finally told by her friend she had an abortion and to leave her alone. Well that broke my heart and messed me up in so many ways! About 8 months later i found out she didnt have an abortion and that i had a son! I was so happy, I tried writing her only to get horrible responses. She said she wanted nothing to do with me and my son would have nothing to do with me. I offered money, assistance, etc only to be told that she didnt want anything from me.
Well I had no money to get a lawyer so i did what I thought was best and just tried to move on. It was horrible and it put me into a place i didnt wanna be, but 5 years later i met a girl who changed my life, no we have our own little girl (7 weeks old) and things were going great, when outta nowhere i get an order for child support!
I had to take a paternity test and he was mine. They wanted 306 a month which is waaay more than we can afford. Im working construction and its not always steady and have a mortgage, gas, electric, cell phone, internet, car payments and insurance, and now baby stuff and my income doesnt even cover the bills we have.
So i asked to modify it and they ended up raising it up higher to 366 a month!
I just could not afford that at all. Im not a dead beat dad, i love my son very much and would die for him at the drop of a dime, she took him from me and never allowed me to be there, took away my rights and now they want me to pay her for that?
Well i couldnt afford it and now im about 3000 in the hole and they are going to suspend my license then send me to jail. If that happens, I lose my job, vehicles, house, and family...and more importantly, the people relying on me will lose everything! So basically my son (who i cannot even see) is being raised by his mother just fine without my support, and the gov is going to arrest me, in turn not only taking away the chance of payment toward him but no putting my daughter and fiance on the streets...so they are ruining two other innocent lives!
How is this fair and what can i do!!!??? Im at ends wit here, im just lost!
I want to file for joint custody of him but dont know how without a lawyer and i have no money or anyone to borrow from! Please if anyone could give me some advice....do i have no other option but to lose everything and make my daughter grow up without a father all because my ex wants money?

[DadsCrushed]

You can file for joint custody. Did the current order provide a worksheet in determining the $366 monthly rate? Was there a clerical error? How did they obtain your income statements if you did not know your son was around? You have every right to see your son. I'd file first and request a pendente lite to get this going.

Child support offices won't suspend your license if you use it for work. They only deny extracurricular driving. Check with your state. You can set up arrear payments. Try to see your child and document it. She will more than likely deny you access and this can be used against her. You need to immediately demonstrate that you want to be part of your son's life. Otherwise the court will award her sole custody via the status quo.

[plex_love]

yes they showed how they figured it all out...since i work construction and dont have a steady income and also i was in between jobs, they set it at 7.25hr x 40hrs x 52 weeks....then she got deductions for another child she had with another man and daycare.
I have emailed her numerous times asking to work something out and she wont reply. As far as seeing my son, well i live hours away from her and cant afford to take off work even one day a week. I want to get joint custody so i can see him, but now he is 7years old and i feel like it may hurt him more than help him for me to jump into his life now. My ex is very immature and would trash talk me to him, and i am very honest and believe the truth needs to be told and telling him the truth would make her look bad and i dont want to do that.
I just need to find a way to get child support lowered or dropped so i dont lose my everything ive built for my new family!
I set up payments of 200 a month for 3 months and after that i have to pay the 366 and another 150 in arears (or however it is spelled) and the lady said once i get below 2500 i could just make whatever payment i could afford a month even if it was just 100 and then they couldnt suspend my license or arrest me. Is that true? I have been told by the first 2 people i talked to that it wasnt and now this lady says it is...someone is lying to me!

[tigger]

You should get credit for your additional child since she got credit for her additional child.  Also, you may be able to have your fiance file for CS for her child and that may lower the amount for the other one.  I think it depends on your state and someone with more experience may want to chime in on that.

[plex_love]

They said i cannot get an adjustment for 3 years...only my ex can ask for one and me be able to add my daughter to it....and my fiance cant get cs because its our daughter so that wouldnt work.

[ocean]

It looks like you can not get it lowered now. You can make payment arrangements and then they will not threaten to take away your license/jail. You may have to go to court for the payment arrangements. Call child support and ask them how you can settle this and if you have to go to court.

Visitation is totally separate. Go to the family court that gave out the child support order (prob by her I am guessing) or look online for the paperwork, fill out the joint visitation paperwork and drop it off, you will have her served with the court date and then go to court about a parenting plan on when you will see child. Most places it is free or small fee to file these papers. At the same time, go to the legal aid office there or call and see if you qualify for legal aid.

Joint legal custody does not mean you get custody half the time, just that you both make important decisions for the child. The child is 7 and you have not met him yet so it will prob be a slow process. Go to her town a few times to meet him will be court ordered first probably, then gradually bring him to your town. Depending on how far, it may be every other weekend or long weekends off from school, school breaks, and part of the summer. 

Email her one last time, asking to do this without court. That you are willing to go slow and meet her with him a few times to get to know him. Ask her to please respond to you by xx date. Mail it to her as she may have blocked you from her email or changed it. This will be proof you tried to talk to her. If she does not answer you, file in court.

Since child is school age, take his birth certificate (which should now have you as father?, get it from the town he was born if you do not have a copy). Send a letter to child's school asking to be put on their mailing list, ask for a copy of his school records, access to online school site if they have one, and teachers name. Call or email teacher and be kept informed. After you meet son a few times, you can use school as a way to get to know him and be at school functions (school parties, graduations, concerts, night events, teacher conferences). It is a federal law that you have access to his school records as his parent. There is a letter on this site you can use to help write the letter.

If she moved away from your area, in the parenting plan, you may get credit for travel expenses, or meet half way, or have her drive. Most people meet half way or one drives there, other drives child back.


Good luck.