Notification of changes/ joint custody

[JohnDough]

My ex wife and I do not speak much at all, and most communication is done via text messages or emails.

Brief history we have been seperated/ divorced for the majority of my child's life. My child is in elementary school. I tried to gain primary custody when she tried to relocate to another state, but the judge did not find sufficient reason to change custody arrangements.  My child now lives two hours away and comes to my house alternate weekends.  We have joint custody and she is primary custodian. 

The court papers say she is to notify me of school events, meetings, problems, doctors visits, etc. My child has had some chronic medical conditions.  She occasionally will inform me of of what was said after the doctor visit, or when she sends a copy of the bill.  I have requested to be notified in advance so that I can attempt to attend, but realistically, it will be hard to go to many appointments or meetings. But I would still like the opportunity.

I would simply like to be notified if my childs medicine is changed, or if there is a school event or if there is a problem at school.  I have made a final request to her.  ANd she has admitted on text and email that she doesnt have time to notify me of everything going on, but if she has time to schedule an appointment, I would think a quick message to notify me is not out of the way. She is also a stay at home mom.     

I do not make threats, or harass her, and often will avoid confrontation all together, but it is slowly getting worse. I would rather not talk to her at all, but I understand I have no choice until my child is older.  I try to keep all conversations documented electronically so there is proof of what has been said, but she is a compulsive habitual liar.  She is dangerous having a clinical psychology license, despite being unemployed.   She knows the right things to say.   

My next step will be to notify my attorney. I just need to know if you have any suggestions that might help my case. 

[MixedBag]

work around mom and don't rely on her for information.

Contact the doctors and schools directly and ask that you be informed.

For the schools, they might have a website they keep up to date.

As for court -- it could honestly go either way.....and that's a gamble.....One I took and learned that "my" judge umm....didn't find it very important.  But Dad's rear end did get chewed a time or two....yep I'm the mom, and it happens either way.   So I established my own relationship with the schools independent of dads.

[ocean]

I agree, court will probably not do anything except a slap on the hand for her and she will continue.

Schools deal with this all the time. If you drive there every other weekend, see if you can pick up a folder with all the school notices for the week. If not, have them mail it to you. Get on mailing list for report cards. See if school has parent portal for grades and absences. Call her teacher directly and ask that she call/email with any concerns and ask for special events for the end of the year.

Some people have used online calendars that you both have passwords to and she can add school events and dr appts to it. If you did go to court this is one thing you could ask for so she is forced to use it.

If child is in an activity (dance class...), call the teacher, coach directly. Get schedules of classes, practices, games and recitals.

Medical- Use the letter from this site to request her medical records from each dr/specialist. After getting the information, call their office and ask if child has any upcoming visits. Then call each month and ask if child was seen and if there was any change in medication. Medicine should be coming with child for your parenting time, and if she is not sending it that really needs to be addressed.

[derbygirl]

Well I absolutely agree that you should contact dr's and school directly for information. You should still contact an attorney and see what he says. My husband let alot of this little stuff go for years and slowly it got worse and worse to bigger stuff. Like asking the dr's to write notes saying his son couldn't come to dad's because he shouldn't be around other children but then going ahead and sending him to school. The judge may not do anything but at least she would know you were serious about not allowing this stuff to happen and maybe it won't get worse. Your attorney should have a better idea what a judge in your area would do or not do. Even a slap on the hand can have an impact on future actions.

[MixedBag]

Derby....I hear what you're saying....and like I said -- in the beginning I "didn't let that stuff go" and filed a "Motion to Show Cause" listing 6 reasons why the father should be  held in contempt.  Judge didn't seem to care that he cussed at me in letters, kept boy scout information from me, school events, listed the fake-wife as mother on medical and school records, BUT the judge did care when our son lost a weekend with me.
I'm not pulling out my motion to see exactly when I complained about....but I learned that TIME with the child was important, and money paid back and forth was important.....the rest?  It just helped convince the judge who was telling the truth in court and who wasn't.

So my goal is to help parents here pick and choose their battles so that their precious dollars are spent wisely in a courtroom. 

[ocean]

Exactly, or you will live your next 10 -18 years in a court waiting room every 4-6 weeks for hearings. Pick your battles. Keep records and even that really goes no where but document major issues. When you can get documentation from others in writing (emails work good for teachers).
Good luck!

[MixedBag]

I'll tell you how documenting helped me -- kept me sane.

Over time, I started to wonder "Did I REALLY remember that or this right?" in how it went down....why I'm still feeling angry over it etc.  The mind/brain is a tricky animal....and it does have a tendency to heal by pushing out bad memories.  And while it's good to move forward, you still gotta remember the WHY about WHY there was a need to move forward and a need to accurately document history.

I have boxes -- and boxes -- of documentation -- and yep, he's 20 now, and they're still up in the attic.  Some things I found were not useful, others useful immediately, and others weren't useful at the time, but I didn't realize I was looking at just a piece of the puzzle.