How to begin the process

[Pirates22]

Hello all, not to happy to be looking at this type of board as I'm sure most of you are, but I think looking for support and advice is good for the soul. My situation is that wife and I have been somewhat mutually separated for 5-6months. I want it to work and she is pretty much done. I recently found out (and have documented proof) that she got pregnant by someone and had an abortion. That has pretty much changed my mind and I see that I can't go back now. We have one child together who is 4. Currently we both work full time and have a nanny that helps care for our daughter while we work. I have adjusted my schedule at work to spend as much time as I can with our child. If I break it down far enough My wife and I are with our daughter about 40% each and nanny for the other 20%, hours in a week. On the nights that either of us stay with our daughter we stay in the home so that our child never has to sleep in another bed. When we are away we each have a separate place to stay, both of us with kind friends. I am starting to talk to lawyers about divorce proceedings. I might be wrong in what I think is best so I look forward to some other opinions. I would like to keep the house and pretty much divide all other assets evenly. I am the breadwinner, making about 3X what my spouse does. She can't afford the home on her own. In exchange for me having the house and all bills associated with it, I am willing to help for X years for rent or mortgage help so my spouse can find decent housing that is suitable for her and our child. I want 50/50 time with our child, once school starts I realize that may not be ideal but we have a year before that. There's so much more I have to ask and vent about but thought this was a good start. Thanks for reading and any thoughts are appreciated.

  I hope everyone can find a reason to smile at least once today!   

[ocean]

Keep track of how many nights you have with daughter. Courts count nights, not days when dividing custody. You have two choices:

1. Go to family court now for Joint legal custody (school and medical choices) AND Joint Physical custody (50/50)
or
2. File in Supreme divorce court and file divorce which will include the custody

Choice 1 will go faster and then you can take those papers and incorporate them into your divorce for an easier divorce. It also deals with visitation/parenting plan right away, while a divorce can take a year or more if you have to go to trial. She may play hard ball and try to force you out of house. Stay in house, unless a court tells you have to leave. If you have to, move into another room.

Choice 2- gets your divorce rolling and dealing with money/house issues.

What you can be doing:
-Close all joint accounts, open accounts in each of your name, see if you agree to split any savings you have, put in separate accounts. Credit cards, take names off each other cards. House bills have in your name if you can pay them and want house.
-Do not offer ANYTHING right now to her in writing. Can she start looking for housing now? Even if she takes money from joint account to pay for rent for first 2-3 months. Courts usually want you to buy her out of the house not make an agreement to pay housing. What if you lose your job down the road? Maybe you can refi the house in your name only taking some money to pay her off. Can even try to start that process now or wait for a court order so the banks are more willing to do it.
-Child needs to know that she will have two house/beds. If mom, moves out, it should be in same school district as you so you can keep 50/50 custody once school starts. As soon as mom moves out, child should be sleeping at mom's. Nanny can go there. Make sure you have temporary written agreement first as she can keep daughter.
-School- as long as you are near her, 50/50 can be done. Since you make a lot more than mom, child support can be given to mom so that child living conditions are comparable to yours.
-Money- In addition to child support (you can look up child support calculators for your state to see how much), you will split by percentages of your salary compared to hers for : medical costs, dental, activities, education, daycare in most states. My state child support is 17% of income for standard visitation....
-Child needs both parents no matter what mom did outside the marriage. As long as she can feed, clothes and shelter child she is a fit parent in family court. You will need to come up with a fair holiday and vacation schedule. Get a local school calendar (online) and there are a lot of long holiday weekends to put into papers along with birthdays for you and child , Halloween, and fathers day. There are holiday schedules on this site and online.

SO to answer your question, probably hire a lawyer (interview a few) and find one that will really fight for 50/50 not matter what. Tell them you will not agree to something in hallway that you are willing to go to trial. Some lawyers just like to go each month to hearings and just want you to agree. Then decide where you should file. Mom will get a lawyer too who will be telling her what to do and not do so it will get ugly. There is nothing right now stopping her legally from moving into a house and taking daughter with her right now. You are both her parents and no court order so go talk to some lawyers and see what options you have. Ask questions on here, many here know about 50/50 custody plans and different ways of doing it. Good luck!

[Pirates22]

Thank you for the comments I really appreciate them. I will let everyone know when I have more questions.

[Justabovewater]

Even now, Before you do anything, Document..Document..Document. Judges like to see Documentation. Make you a folder, Keep Text Messages, Emails and any conversations that you might have written down. I would encourage you to try to communicate through Text of Email rather than the phone. Do not assume anything. What she agrees with you on the Phone, She may not agree with you in Court. Once she talks to her Lawyer, she may change all her plans that she was discussing with you. As Ocean stated, I would get a Lawyer, A good lawyer, and get them aware of the situation now. They can also give you good advise on what you should and should not do. Remember in the end, Its all about what is best for your child.