When is a kid old enough to choose?

[Savant]

Whenever my ex and I have a difference of opinion about the kids and I refuse to do something her way, she always says "You know that once the kids turn 15 then they will be able decide for themselves where they want to live."  
She has said this soooo many times (she uses it like a threat; she is hinting that they will naturally want to live with her since she is more lenient about rules).  

Now I thought that the way it worked was that when the kids reached a certain age, then the courts may or may not choose to consider the kids' input when reviewing a case- which is not the same thing as the kids being allowed to choose for themselves what they want to do.  Can anyone shed light on this so I have a better understanding about how it works?  It seems that dragging them into things and asking them to take sides or "choose" could cause serious problems, for instance it could easily serve to reinforce and reward alienation behavior.

[jenkins9]

from what I understand after say age 12 a judge "may" take into consideration what a child wants, but it is rare. The family court does not like to put kids in the middle and lets be honest kids dont always know what they want. Dont let her bully you and call her bluff...the judge wont give a child to a irresponsible parent, even if the kid wants to live there.

[mistoffolees]

That's true. However, the older the kid is, the more the judge will listen. But I didn't see any sign from the original post that the kids really wanted to live with the mother. Normally, one would expect the judge to change custody only when all of the following are met:

1. The kids really express a strong preference for one location or the other.
2. The kids express a mature, rational reason for the change (Mom is close to the mall and Dad lives out in the country and I want to get a job, for example).
3. The change will not cause a major disruption in the kid's lives (if they've gone to one school for 10 years and have a lot of close friends, the judge is going to require a pretty strong reason to uproot them).
4. There are no other overriding concerns (one parent has a criminal history or lives with a sexual predator).

It happens, but it's not all that common. And, frankly, when it does happen, it's often (not always!) with good reason.

However, none of that is really that important at this point. If a 15 year old really wants to live with her mother and can give the judge good reasons for it, and the judge buys those reasons, it's completely out of your control. I would advise you to focus on what you CAN control. Simply being the best parent you can be and having the best relationship you can with your daughter is the limit of what you can control. Sometimes, that's not enough and the kid wants to change, anyway. If that happens, it's probably something you have to live with. After all, it's only a few more years before they're 18 and you don't want to ruin your relationship for the rest of her life over a battle that you might not win, anyway.

Final advice: if it does come to that and if the daughter really wants to live with her mother, and if there are no significant safety issues, then you might consider just listening to her and then offering this suggestion: "you seem to have good reasons why you might want to make a change, but why don't we try it for a month to see how it works out?" Frequently, that's all it takes for the kid to realize that the grass isn't any greener on the other side.