Single Father in need of information and advice

[LoneSailor]

I am the Proud father of a beautiful 4 year old little boy. His mother and I were never married. She had 3 children of her own when we met.  I know there are comments and thoughts that pop into most peoples minds and this is my best answer to them. " I always believe not to judge someone by their past when I was not apart of it"

Anyways, My son's mother left me when my son was 7 months old. I came home from sea ( i am in the navy) and found she had another man living in my apartment. Whe confronted she yelled alott and packed up the children and went to a friends house where she stayed. i was not allowed any contact with my son. The only time I saw him was when i would catch them sneeking past my apartment and that was only from a distance.

I have done everything I could thing of to convince her to allow me visitation. She refused. i wrote lettes letting her know if she was gone and we were over that that was fine I just wanted to see my son. never got an answer. this went on for weeks. She called the cops and had a restraining order placed on me.

When we went to court the judge dropped the order due to my letters and messages being reasonable and strictly regarding visitation of my son and support money.

After this there were ups and downs. I have visitation, not court ordered but allowed by his mother. Every weekend that i was not detached or deplyed i had my son with me.  I mean every weekend. I took him on 2 30 day vacations and to visit not only my family but his mothers side due to her refusal to do so.

This went on for about 3 years. i was detached in july 2006 for 1 month to Fallon Nevada. Arrangements were made prior that on the day of my return I was to pick up my son for a 4 day weekend.

when I arrived i came to find the house she lived in empty and partly torn down and her and my son gone.

it took 3 weeks to track her down. She left one message for me to call her when I had the chance. that number was disconnected. i had to go through her family and have them help me find her.

My son's mother moved from San Diego Ca, where i was only 3 miles from her house, to Clark county Nevada. I was never notified by her, asked or otherwise.

There is no court order for visitation due to the judge telling us that we could work it out our selves. At the time there was no need.  I pay my child support $884.00 a month. I paid the welfare that i was sued for, that covered herself, 2 of her first children and my son.

When my son was moved to Nevada I began to get calls from one of my son's mothers ofther childrens fathers. he has custody of their son due to her jumping state with him after being ordered not tl leave by the courts.

The calls told me that the 2 oldest boys reported to his wife and to the boys grandparents that the mothers boyfriend hit on them. Two sources reported this. I called Child Protective Services. they have never gotten back to me.

i have no constant communication with my son. his mother can not seem to keep a phone working, she can not manage to keep the same address for more than 6 months or so. She does not respond to my e-mails.

My son's mother being 33 years old got her first job about 8 months ago. her boyfriend can not hold a job. Reports from her landlords and ex friends not to mention my own observance when she was in San Diego, was that her home was a wreck. It smelled of trash, animal urin, furnature was broken, windows broken out and not replaced for weeks on end. Her care not being registered not having proper insurance. my son riding in the car with no car seat.

I was also informed that she had her 5th child.  if she could not support the children she had, why would she have another?

Her daughter is 10 years old and is the primary care giver in the household. She feeds the younger kids, makes sure they bathe and watches after them. i had called in the past and she answered saying her mom and boyfriend were out for the night and would not be back until tomorrow. I asked to speak to the baby sitter. there was on. the 10 year old was watching after in infant and a 4 year old alone.

My son has been ready for pre-school since he was 2 years old. His mother qualified for free pre-school and lunches. She could not make the time to enroll him. She did not work at this time. her other children only go to school when a bus can pick them up or if their mother feels like taking them. If not they stay home.

My son's mother has never taken him in for his medical shots. i have had to do it when I had visitation. I did not mind except that he began to feel that when he went to see daddy he was going to get shots and that made him not want to come. I took him for 2 weeks prior to my current deployment to the Gulf. I had to take him in on his birthday to make sure he was current before I left.  She had only one shot left for him to get and that had to be within 90 days of the last shot.

My son has full Navy medical. She has his dependant ID card and access to Nellis Airforce base a short distance away. i have been gone since january and she still has not gotten his final shot. now he has to re do the entire series. i will not have him when i get back long enough to make sure the series is completed.

I have to get my son out of there. I do not want to have to go to the courts and tell them what an unfit mother she is. i would rather prove to them that i am a better parent. that is whatis supposed to matter to the courts. that is what matters to me.  I do not thing any children should live with her. her own parents are willing to attest to this and suspect that there might be psychological issues with her. ( not my words theirs)

i would be willing to continue to pay the child support on the terms that I have full physical and 50% legal custody. i don't care about the money. When he is with me I take care of him without it I can continue to do so if that is what it takes.

Ok now that I have given you most of a 4 year history. this is my problem.

1. my child is in an unsuitable enviornment,
2. he is not properly looked after.
3. his mother moves more than any military family, she does not provide a stable home or utilities.
4. I currently am stationed in San Diego Ca. I am due for orders and do not yet know where I will be stationed.
5. They live in Clark county Nevada.
6. There are no bases for me to transfer to near them.
7. Even if I get stationed in San Diego again where I have family and resources to aid for single parent support, I will still have to file in Nevada, the navy will not give me that much random time to run from one state to another.
8. i have been in the navy for 14 years this Sep. i have thought about getting out but I am 6 years from retirement and that would not help my sitiuation nor my sons'.

I do not know how to go about seeking the right lawyer. i don't know how to judge the right lawyer and being in two diferent states I don't know if that will even be allowed.

I am completely lost and need some direction. I have to get him out of that home. I wish I could help the other children but that has to be done by the courts or their fathers. if anyone has any input for me advice or sugestions I am open and egar to listen. I am falling apart and have hit the wall hard. I can't sit by and do nothing, but I have to do the right this.


Thank you for your time,

very Respectfully,

JC


sorry this was so long, being out to sea and feeling helpless.

[mistoffolees]

As you've suggested, you need to find a good lawyer. I would so so by interviewing other parents who have been through it, with a particular emphasis on attorneys who have experience with mens' rights.

Your attorney will have to answer most of the other cases. In general, though, the following is probably relevant:

- All the support you've paid may be considered a gift since there's no court order and you may be stuck with arrears. You might want to consider (with your attorney's advice), putting the money into a savings account instead of sending it to her.
- You're going to need to have a paternity test. Without that, you probably won't get anywhere.
- Your goal of getting sole physical custody is a difficult one - particularly since you're in the navy and not there all the time. Generally, having children with their mother (or father, for that matter) is seen as superior to having them with aunts, grandparents, etc. In order to get sole custody, you would probably have to show that the child is in serious immediate danger - AND you'd need a detailed parenting plan on how you're going to take care of a child when you're 10,000 miles away.
- I would guess that your best bet is to ask the court for a GAL or custody evaluation if you really think that the other home is an imminent danger, but you haven't really shown that to be the case. Again, your attorney can help.
- You're correct that the attorney will need to be in the child's current state of residence, but only if they've been there for 6 months. If they have not been there for 6 months, then the state where they lived for the most recent 6 month period probably has jurisdiction. To find an attorney there, you have a number of options. The Navy has a service to help with this type of thing, IIRC. They might be able to help with referrals. If they can't, ask acquaintances who have been through it in that jurisdiction. If that doesn't work, just ask around to counseling services, etc for recommendations. If nothing else, do a google search for attorneys with Men's rights experience in that district, but be sure to interview them before hiring them.

Good luck.

[LoneSailor]

First off thank you for responding, I was afraid people would see the book I wrote and skip to the next post.

I am looking for a lawyer. It is hard to interview from the ship in the middle of the Gulf. I am doing the best I can. As far as a Father's rights lawyer I really do not know how to tell if it is just something they claim of if they really specialize in that area.

I do have a child support order but no Paternity other than my signature on his birth certificate.

I have done my home work on how I have to send money to his mother and all is done through the courts. I can not afford to gift her money, provide and visit for my son and live a reasonable life. I do not even date. I can not afford to much else. I save my money for my visitation with my son so he can spend time with my side of the family and her's due to her lack of communication with them.

I have a parenting plan. It is not as detailed as I would like but it applies to the idea of me having custody. I have family and resources at my disposal. Schooling, childcare, medical, Navy housing, and friends and family.

I will be on shore duty for the next 3 years. I will have much more time with him.

I have attempted to come to a reasonable agreement with my son's mother , however her promises fall through and are empty. She has 5 children. 3 live with her and 2 live with their fathers. 50/50 joint legal and physical custody is nothing she will discuss.

I have not been able to find a fathers rights law firm that has attornies in both San Dieo and Nevada. I am told there are some but the search has been fruitless.

The navy has services I have looked into, however the lawyers they have partnerships with are local only.  They are looking into assisting me but have not come up with anything but a standard family law practitioner who will offer me 1/3 off.  That is a good deal but I want to make sure I find the Best lawyer.

Are there specific questions I should ask when interviewing them?
I am completely ignorant of the whole lawyer process.

I have also been told that my son has the right to representation and that I will have to pay for it as well as possibly his mothers due to her financial situation. That is part of the reason I waited until after this deployment to file. If I end up paying for that I will not have the money to travel 6 Plus hours each way, afford a place to visit with me son ( hotel or otherwise) nor a reasonable place to live. We military do not make as much as most people assume. In the end we pay for what we have.

I will do anything I have to to ensure my son is living in a proper home and is raised with proper morals and life skills. If I have to i will work to fingt for my parents or her parents to have custody. These children do not deserve to live the life she provides. If you can call it that.

I thank you again and am open to enything and everything there is that might help. I will find a way. my son will have a good life and will not have to suffer because she is not cut out for the responcibility she has taken part in creating.

Very respectfully,

JC

[janM]

if you have time. There is a link at the bottom of the page to them.

They will tell you how to find and interview attorneys, as well as everything else you need to know about custody and other matters.

[mistoffolees]

Why didn't I think of that?

I was just getting ready to try to offer advice, but figured it would take forever and result in a massive missive (*grin*). Your response was better.

[JOE BLOW77]

Are you originally from the inland empire?  Your story sounds similar to a friend of mine who is stationed in SD.  Anyways, you should talk to an attorney.  I understand that it might be difficultbeing that it has been three years and you are in the military, but nothing is impossible.  I'm sure lots of people can give you advice from their own experience but each is unique.  You should really talk to a father's rights attny.