Bad Situation - Need advice

[ekj85]

Hello, last year, I had a one-night stand with a woman. she contacted me via facebook 5 to tell me she was pregnant (she waited until she was 19 weeks in). I was obviously upset and told her off. She had a friend fake being her OBGYN and we went over the possible dates of conception over the phone and basically they lied to me and told me I wasn't the father based on the dates. She didn't like my initial reaction I guess. During that whole process, I had taken a loan from my 401k to start buying things to prepare for my child. After being told I couldn't be the father I went on vacation... A week after I got back, I received another message stating that I was lied to, I was the father and how she couldn't live with the guilt of the situation - I had no relationship with this woman and no feeling towards her so I didn't understand how she felt.

Anyways, over the next few months until he was born I became supportive of the situation. She was accepting of the help but made it known that she had a boyfriend who wanted to be the father and if I wasn't in the picture, my son would have a father figure and they would be happy regardless. Basically, they didn't want me involved to complicate things. Its been 7 months since my son has been born - I see him every other weekend, I give her about $500/mo in money orders and supplies - she has not taken be to court yet.

I've seen pictures of her boyfriend holding my son, seen posts of him calling my son his own. She even admitted that my son will be taught to call this other guy dad. She has even said her and her family doesn't want me there. we're cordial to each other, but I see the animosity inside her. I'm new to parenthood and because my son is only 7 months and I have no experience with this, I'm not comfortable keeping him to myself on the weekend yet.

Recently, his mother said she and her boyfriend have plans to move to florida by the end of the year - its not definite, but its a possibility. Her parents live down there and have money and live in a far nicer neighborhood then where my son is now.

I'm torn with what to do because it looks like all possible outcomes point to me not being able to be a strong influence in my sons life. If I let them move, she doesn't take me to court and I'll get to see him maybe 2-3 times a year. If I take her to court, establish legal and partial physical custody, I can keep her in state - She's sure to take me to court for support and based of PA guidelines and what we both make, base support will be $725/.mo for me plus daycare. If this happens, I'm entitled to have my son every other weekend but the sheer amount of support I owe will require me to work 7 days a week - making it impossible for me to take him.

Do I let them go to FL and see him when I can, do I take her to court and work 7 days a week and still not see him just to keep them in state? Do I sign my rights over and let them be a happy family (that's what they want). Im torn and could use some advice. Thanks.

PS: I love my son, but I just want whats best for HIM, even if it means I'm not there.

[MixedBag]

File to establish yourself as the legal father and establish paternity.  That should keep jurisdiction in PA.

You can even ask for 50/50 legal and physical custody....many fathers ask for more than what is "considered" the norm. 

But you gotta become the legal father on the birth certificate via a paternity test first.

[tigger]

MB touched on an interesting question.  Did she even put you down as the father on the birth certificate?

Be sure you document everything, the initial contact, the lie about the conception dates, the dates and times of when you've had him and the money.  However the money will likely be considered a gift as there was no court order.  I'm wondering if she hasn't pushed the issue because you aren't the father but she could get money out of you. 

As for what to do regarding your son, only you can answer that.  My cousin's child's father walked away because he thought it was best for his daughter.  He did, however, continue to pay CS.  8 years later and my cousin has lost custody of all of her kids (due to bad behavior of her and her husband).  S was never told that K wasn't her father and now in addition to the upheaval of her daily life, she's going to be hit with the news that two people she trusted the most have lied to her all these years.  She will most likely blame her grandmother who has been tasked with being the one to tell her.  (I disagree.  I think the girl should be in therapy and therapist should tell her but no one has asked me.)  Conversely, my mother walked away and I was raised by my dad and stepmom without her involvement.  I was aware of the truth my entire life and still had contact with her family.  I turned out just fine. 

Again, only you can decide what to do.  You would have a better idea than any of us if he were a stand up guy and if she would be a good mother.  Your decision wouldn't just affect you.  It would affect your parents and siblings (as they are grandparents, aunts and uncles) and your future spouse and kids.