any advice is appreciated

[infiniti_73]

I am the girlfriend.  My boyfriend has a 4 year old daughter.  They have joint custody with the mother being the Primary Care Giver.  She is an abominable person.  I won't bore you with every little detail that has gone on in the past year, but in short, he wants to get custody, or if nothing else, be named as Primary.  She has a live-in boyfriend who spanks the daughter.  The mom constantly neglects the child's needs by not taking her to the doctor when needed and letting her play outside without supervision (she almost drowned in a pond and has been hurt on several occasions, we have called the police to try and "catch her in the act", but to no avail).  Any time that he tries to talk with her about his concerns the mom uses the daughter against him like a pawn.  He does not want his daughter to be held as ransom by the mom.  She has been letting him see his daughter more than what is allowed in the papers as long as it is convenient for her, so whenever he makes her angry she says he cant have her and then turns around and tells the daughter her daddy doesn't want to see her.   She got mad one night and refused to give him the child's medicine because he was trying to reason with her. There are numerous other things that have happened.  She is currently being investigated by HUD because of the live-in boyfriend and his kids living with the mom. (This to me is teaching the child to lie and cheat, plus seeing mommy and the b/f sleeping in the same room has to have a negative effect on her little mind...she talks about people being naked and sleeping together and such)  He has spoken to two attorneys and both of them have said that the information he has (journals of events and what his daughter has told him, etc...) is not enough to take her from her mother.  Apparently the mom has to practically harm the child herself or the child has to has a near death experience before the courts will give custody over to the daddy.  we need help.  he feels trapped by this woman.  Whatever happened to "in the best interest of the child?"
If nothing else, thank you for listening.

[Giggles]

Unless something happens to the child or the BM totally flips out, there isn't much your BF can do....NO...it's not right but unfortunately that's our court system.  :-(

[mistoffolees]

While you're correct that it takes some pretty drastic circumstances for a change in custody, but you didn't mention what the visitation schedule is.

If I were in that position, I would be working toward increasing the amount of time I spent with the child so that if the circumstances change, I'd be in a better position to step in.

[infiniti_73]

Right now he gets every other weekend and every Tuesday.  He gets 4 weeks in the summer and they alternate on the holidays.  She also lets him have her whenever she has other plans or when she is too "busy" to keep the kids.  The mother has another daughter by another man (who is now in jail for attempted murder).  She has stated on numerous occasions that she cannot handle both of the girls together.  We have little trouble with the daughter aside from the usual kid fits.  She loves her mother, but she cries when it is time to go home and gets really meek and depressed saying that she hates the b/f.
I just get so frustrated because I know that the only reason her mother even fools with her is so she has something to control my b/f with.  it is a game with her.  I mean, the daughter had a yeast infection on her inner thigh...the mother sent her to school with it instead of taking her to the Dr.  By the time my b/f got her on Tuesday it was infected and very uncomfortable.  It isn't like it would cost her anything to take her either...she is just lazy.
If we can't get him custody, what are the odds we can get him named as Primary Care Giver?  The best interest of the child would definitely be to his favor.  He can provide a much more stable life for his daughter.  The mother is on every sort of assistance known to man, and also takes an anti-depressant (for what I do not know), and she is unemployed.  My b/f has a good job, is continuing his education so that he can teach, and has the help of his mother for babysitting, and does not have questionable ethics as far as having women in and out of his place.  Plus, she WANTS to be at his house.  I know they won't take that into consideration though since she is only 4.
Sorry, I didn't mean to rant again, I just get really angry when I think about it.
Thanks!

[mistoffolees]

You're going to have a hard time. But if the BM isn't all that excited about having her, I would suggest simply asking for more time - or a change in custody.

If she's not willing to go along with it, you're going to have an uphill battle. The visitation is fairly typical and there doesn't seem to be any change in circumstances that the court would consider.

Good luck.

[knoot7]

Suggestion only : When requesting more time, if communication is not amicable, write a letter requesting for more time.

When requesting for more time - always make it for the benefit for the mother. What is the benefit to her if she give you more time, what can she do without her daughetr being around, etc...easier to find daycare/not worry about daycare, she will be able to go out as she pleases, she doens't have to work around making appointments, she doens't have to worry about getting daughter to pre-k and soon kindergarden - if it is a half day kindergarten well even more abilty to show how difficult it can be for her and how you want to help her out. Items such as these can provide insight to her mother and if she is as you claim, not really interested, well maybe this can pursuade her to give up more time without hvaing to go to court. If you canget more time and continue to annd can maintain it for at least 6 months if not longer, that could be the change to make it official....

Do not add any emotion to the letter at all! Keep it straight to the facts. you can insinuate but keep it to the facts. For example - Our BM has no transportation and lives very far from SS school.... so DH added in the letter - "Utilizing public transportation in this fashion and trying to juggle two different children in two schools and maintain a work schedule is difficult.  No emotion just facts and an statement to makes her think about the situation in a different light.

Also show how much you want to still have mother involved. You will call regarding daily activities if she wants, you will do this/that to ensure she can still have a relationship with mom too. You do not want mom getting upset and holding daughter as "ransom" or have her overreact thinking you want to take her daughter away from her even if essentially that is what you are doing.

If this doesn't work, keep track of all the days she "give her up" to you. and keep that log current at all times. In the future if she "claims" she can't live without her, you will have all the time she has. It helped with my DH - providing proof she willingly gave up more time for other things....

Good luck. Sorry to her BF daughter has to deal with this. The system is flawed, but BF needs to stick with it and his daughter will still come out with flyingn colors...just continue to love and support her and do not talk poorly of mom while Daughter is anywhere near or rather - if daughter is even awake!

[infiniti_73]

should he write a letter to the mother directly or through an attorney? she will not be cooperative at all on this issue.  the mother would rather pawn the daughter off to her boyfriend and his father rather than see the daughter happy (or anyone happy for that matter).  
what about the issue with the live-in boyfriend?  there is a law here (i dont know about anywhere else) that says that you are not allowed to have live-ins   if they are not the parent of your children.  for that matter, it states that you are not to have "company" at your home past the children's bedtime.  is there any way to fight with this angle?
and we NEVER ever ever say anything negative about the mother.  as badly as we would like to, the mother is till the mother and the daughter loves her no matter what.  that's why my BF doesn't want to take his daughter away from the mother....no matter how much we want to do that very thing, it is not in a child's best interest to not have contact with it's parents if they are able.  
thanks!

[knoot7]

What my DH did - was write a letter in legal looking format but directly addressed to the mother. In addition since there is a law guardian already assigned to SS, DH just sent a certified letter to the law guardian explaining his request and provided a copy of the letter.  Bm does not have an attorney nore could retain one. DH did consult his attorney to ensure the letter was written appropriately, but our attorney is in the family so he doesn't get charged for such questions/review.


Dear Bm (Mother),

I (Father) am writting this letter to provide a request which I(father) believe is in the best interest of our DD )(daughter's name).  < Then explain the facts - remove all emotion. Due to frequent home life challenges experienced outside of my (Father's) care, I request for daughter to spend more time at my (Father's) home.  Do not say frequent homelife challenges unles syou have facts and able to back up your statements. My DH did . Etc... DH wrote mother and father in parethesis every time so if it came time to go to court this is easily read and understood by the court.

There is no law that I am aware of (I am not an attorney or law officer)that states live-in relationships can not occur. Although not the best interest of your DD, personal relationships no one has control over. Our Bm has been on and off for the last 7 years with herr husband. I have to say at least 12 if not more times back and forth trucking SS and her daughter with her every time. We were able to address the home life challenges experienced outside of our home since it was a very large factor in his emotional wellbeing and health and low grades.  DH did not point fingers, just stated "Due to relationship challenges and frequent upheavals, it is in SS best interest to be provided with a stable home environment. " If you are not able to remove emotion out of the statement, it is advised not to use it. Also make sure you have facts and/or dates to back your statements up.

If you are requesting right of first refusal, you have to be aware that our attorney said this is a very hard order to maintain and prove otherwise, but it can be requested.

I (father) respectfully request for the right of first refusal. This request is in the event when you (Mother) require outside services to care for our daughter, that I(Father) am contacted prior to allowing for daughter to be cared for by outside services.  In the event that you (Mother) is not able to care for our daughter due to outside obligations, I (Father) will provide transportation for the time which services are requested.  I(Father) will provide transporation to and from your(Mother's) home during your(Mother's) schedule custodial time when my services are utlized.... etc...

Just suggestions and what had worked for us. I have to state that our BM held SS hostage the day after she recieved the letter..however two weeks later is willing to allow for SS to live with us during the school week for the school year. She thought we wanted sole custody when nothing was stated as such. She thought we wanted to take SS away from her... DH's second latter stated that this is not the case and not what was requested. She fianlly read the request word for word and was able to realize what was the best interest for herself and for SS.

GOOD LUCK!