Update on situation

[dipper]

Just quick recap - Son and his gf were never married.  We had an agreement in place when she moved out, then within days she and her mother began fighting the agreement.  It took over a year in court to get things finalized and essentially...same custody time as the agreement began with.   It was all very ugly.  Child's mother reached out in May to heal relationships and we were gullible and let her stay a couple of nights when she had a huge fight with her mother - over her talking to us.   


Son began seeing her and we asked both of them to please take it slow and spend time with child - see if there was anything there.  She had tried several times in past 19 months and son had always shut her down saying he never wanted to be with her again.   Well, they did not do as we requested...instead they saw each other outside of child during our custody time.  Their first real date, SHE took him out to lunch and got his hair cut.   She has made comments to me about people not believing she does not get child support and allows him to see the child with his past.   The only legal problems he has had are driving without a license and underage drinking.   One driving without a license in the past three years.   Now, our son is very - well, he was diagnosed with conduct disorder as a teen and you still have to be kind of careful how you present stuff as he will do stuff to be spiteful.  I did go out on a limb a couple of weeks ago - I told him, date if you want...that is your business but please be cautious.  I don't see where she has changed and I am really worried that she and her mother are after full custody and child support.  He told me that he really doesn't see any change either...and that within just a few dates she told him that she wants to void the court order.   He said she is being very pushy about moving fast and he does not want that and keeps telling her to slow down.


The very next day, he had her pick him up after work for a movie....The next week she was over several times and then put him on her phone plan, getting him the newest smart phone and big expensive case for it.   He is all up their butts now.   Literally - he has stayed two nights in their house - with her mom who has always hated him.   It is a two bedroom home...so it is him, gf, child in one bedroom and the mom and her boyfriend in another.   The gf had always lied to us saying it was 3 bedroom and the mom's bf never stayed when child was there.   This past weekend, when it was his/our custody time, she brought child to exchange.  He stayed at her house with her mother.   He did go back to his own house that evening..but in the three days he/we had custody, he saw child 2 hours.   Now that it is the gf's custody time, he is over there staying.   


I really believe they are only after custody and child support.   GF is even talking about having another child.  She also is pushing marriage.   She cancelled their wedding the first go around saying she would lose her health insurance.   


I do not see any change in either of them.   The reasons they needed so much support still exist.   However, I am concerned that if they live with her mom, they can say they have the built-in support needed and child can stay in home she shares with both biological parents at all times.   That's if it goes to court.....which I am concerned will happen.     I know she is not our child, but we have been the ones to take care of her.   Neither of them have good parenting skills and have various other issues as well.   I have no faith that they will stay together.  A few months to a couple of years at the very most.  For one, she cannot get along with anyone more than a year and a half...history absolutely proves that.   And he - I don't think he has the focus to stay with one person long term.  He is all about himself and what he can get from someone.   That is his interest in them.   As an example, she was sick Sunday and Monday and he was out with his brother at a strip bar.  She begged him to come over on Tuesday and he would not.   Then yesterday she begs and poof!  He goes....I feel grandchild is going to get used to this and then it will be fighting and apart again.   She has been very confused with daddy being there and even fusses when they hug/kiss.   She has no memory of their being a time when they were together. 


Mostly venting....I just needed to get all of that out. 

[ocean]

Yikes! Do you have a GAL assigned to this case?
I can see why you would be nervous about them going back to court if he moves in...you have time on your side. You know if he moves in, it wont be long til they are fighting and he moves back.
Keep documented each day, when you have child. Print out monthly calendars and give every one a different color and color in each day child is with each person. This way you have the evidence right away if needed.
I know child is still young, but are you all in same school district? What happens at age 5?

[dipper]

Ocean, a  GAL was never assigned.  In fact, our attorney had felt we did not want a GAL or social services involved.  He said you just never know what side they will fall on.   BM/grandmother were accusing my son of drugs, etc....and in fact, that was not off-base.   They just did not have any proof.   He got kicked out of a house (and his brother) because it was disgustingly filthy and they had tore up some stuff.  It was the same when the gf still lived with him - even worse filth actually.   The house sons live in now is like a pig sty.  Grandchild has never spent one day there.  Since gf has been there, she could have easily took pics.  Our home has been the only constant since birth.   We are the only reason he never lost custody of child completely. 


We are not in the same county with the mother/grandmother of child.   I have plenty of documentation to show how unstable both parents are.   However, my concern is that if they live with the grandmother, they can say they have the support needed and we do not need to be a part of it.  The grandmother - plenty of issues there, but nothing where you have solid proof of. 

[ocean]

Doesn't sound like either bio parent really wants to raise child. They are still in the going out stage of their life so either the other grandmother would have to step up or they will continue to use you as their "free babysitter" on your time.
My DH always says, don't stress until papers are served! lol  Very hard to do I know but sounds like these two like to party together and if they decided to move in together they wont last too long and court would take a year to change custody so.....document and enjoy time with child. Keep putting little thoughts into son's head but dont push too hard or he will go there faster.
((Hugs))

[dipper]

Thanks Ocean.  My husband gets after me all the time for worrying over stuff before I need to.  I like to be proactive - even with worrying!  LOL  Actually, when they first split up I regretted not taking steps prior to that.  For instance, the filth of the house and nasty spoiled bottles sitting around.  Dirty diapers that had been piled up so long they seeped through the box and box stuck to the floor.   I could have called social services.   But, I was scared she would bolt with child.  However, a social service investigation may have helped to either get them parenting classes to improve the situation or at least been a paper trail.


BM likes the appearance of being the perfect mother.  It is kind of all she has. She doesn't go to college, doesn't work.   She lives with her mom and has a child.   Her mom helps her greatly but she always says she doesn't have anyone to help at all; does it all on her own 24/7.  She likes to go to people's houses when her mom is working and visit so that she can sit while they play with child.   It's all BS.....


My son is acting like daddy when he is around her.  Oh....the other week when we went out with him, he sat there trying to sleep as child kept calling out to him.   Then when bm is around, he acts all animated and so interested in child.  But, he will not be able to keep up that facade because it is not who he is.....


I do feel better somewhat today....just talking about it helps.