So confused

[Confusedmum]

Long story short, 8 years ago I lost custody of my son.  He did not wish to speak to me again about 4 years ago.  Since then I have tried texting and calling his dad to let me speak to our son.  Well, my ex has been telling me my son does not wish to speak to me.  He has not been telling our son I have tried to get a hold of him.  Well, Last Thursday I found my son on Facebook.  I sent a friend request and he excepted it.  Now, I have looked and looked for years for him on Facebook.  We started chatting online and he was so angry, which I understand and except.  But, he asked me why I left him behind.  I never did.  He tells me no one explained to him what happened that brought him to live with his dad.  His dad get angry and refuses to answer him.  My son has told me so many things.  They r being cruel to him.  His dad and stepmom.  He is so sad.  I asked him to come live with me.  In 1 week he will be 18.  He said yes, then the next day no.  He told me he was afraid we could end up on the streets.  I am on Disability and his dad use to make fun of me living off the government.  So, I kind of think someone has given him false info.  I have a home.  My rent is paid first thing.  Right now I am dying inside.  I know I can do nothing til he turns 18.  Now, I do not know if his father spoke him out of coming to live with me.  My son will not tell me and I have no one to speak to about this.  I feel so helpless.  I do not drive and live in another state.  I will do what it takes to get my son here.  But, as I said he changed his mind.  I can not stop shaking.  He tells me things then hurt my heart.  He likes to sew and his dad makes fun of him.  He was sewing last night and he broke a needle. I ask if he had more and he said only 1 more.  I asked if he could get more and he said he had no money.  That killed me.  My precious son not having what he needs.  Goodness the 99 cent stores have them.  Needles, thread and more.  But, no one will buy them for him.  I can not stop crying.  I do not know what to do for him.  If he is only staying there because they said something to scare him or maybe he really did change his mind.  They have filled his head with so many things.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I am so overwhelmed and I have no family or friend to ask.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  I have to protect my son.  He was so excited to come here I really thought.  Thank you

[ocean]

Maybe start with a visit? Either he come to you or you go there? See how that goes and do some catching up first.
Is he still in high school? He should probably finish up where he is so he graduates on time. Does he have plans after HS, college?
Take things slow...you just reconnected. Teens fight with their parents. At almost 18, he should have a part time job with his own money to buy sewing items and saving/paying for car and car insurance. He is not in immediate danger and you can slowly have a relationship again.

[Confusedmum]

Hello Ocean, thank you for your reply.  I would like to ask a personal question.  R u male or female??  I am not sure u really read my post.  Did u not see where I wrote they r being cruel to him.  Yes, that does put him in danger.  I just found this out tonight.  Friday night, his dad and stepmom found up he was speaking to me.  My ex's worse fear.  All his lies will come out.  I hear the way they were speaking to him and I called the house which was a huge mistake.  But, later after he and I hung up.  His dad took off my sons glasses and put them in the backyard.  Also took away his Ipod his only means to speak to me.  He told my son if I really loved him I would come get him.  He hit my son in the back of the head.  If dad did come into my sons room and returned the ipod but to tell a child ur mum does not love u.  when he gave it back he told my son to call ur mum and have her come get u!!!!!!!  Ocean, you said to take it slow.  He has a year left of high school but will be 18 on the 18th.  I refuse to leave him there 1 second longer than he has to be there.  My son is in danger Ocean.  Ur answer makes me think you r male.

[ocean]

I am female and your first post didn't include physical danger....

If you think he is in physical danger , you can call their local police to do a welfare check on him. Taking away an ipod is not abuse, if he hit him with a mark on his head then yes. It will be very hard for him to leave his current school and sign up by you and still graduate on time, especially with different state requirements. It is possible for you to rent close to him so he can move in with you and still graduate?
If you do go pick him up, go to his school, he can sign himself out and forward his records to your school district. If son is willing to come to you today, he can go, no one will stop him over 2 days....

[Waylon]

Confusedmum, I think Ocean's advice was spot-on.

First of all, at 18 there is no reason why your son shouldn't be able to find a job, even if it's just a part-time job.

Your post didn't mention anything about him being hit or in physical danger. If this is the case, you should be contacting the police, not a message board. We're not mind readers, if you don't tell us what's going on then we have no way of knowing.

As Ocean said, taking away an ipod isn't "abuse". It may be punishment, but it's not abuse.

At 18 your son can decide to live or not live wherever he wants. No judge is going to get involved unless there's physical or sexual abuse. At 18 no one can make him move or keep him from moving- it's up to him.

Finally, Ocean has a lot of experience with this kind of stuff and knows what she's talking about- you should consider what she's said rather than spend time wondering if she's male or female.

We all advocate for children here and just because you don't hear the answer you want doesn't mean anyone is biased. Like I said, Ocean has a *lot* of experience in this area (decades, actually). She has more experience at this kind of thing than most of us will ever have. You would do well to listen to what she's said.

[tigger]

You reconnected with your son LAST Thursday (the 11th) and you thought he would actually pack up everything and leave his senior year to live with a person with whom he's had NO contact for the past 4 years (except for the past 4 days)?  Really?  That's not how relationships work.  And there's no magical mother/child bond that's unbreakable.  He may have said yes to your offer as a knee jerk reaction to the situation he's in.  After thinking it through, he may have decided that 10 more months (from now until graduation) may not be so bad.  If his father and stepmom influenced him then he's old enough to see them for what they are.  If he's in danger, he can report that danger to a teacher or school counselor.  Or as Waylon said, he's old enough that he can live wherever he wants to.  He's not an 8 year old who can't work or make his own decisions.  What's the distance between the two of you (besides 4 years)?  A few miles or a few states?

[MixedBag]

Hello Ocean, thank you for your reply.  I would like to ask a personal question.  R u male or female??  I am not sure u really read my post.  Did u not see where I wrote they r being cruel to him.  Yes, that does put him in danger.  I just found this out tonight.  Friday night, his dad and stepmom found up he was speaking to me.  My ex's worse fear.  All his lies will come out.  I hear the way they were speaking to him and I called the house which was a huge mistake.  But, later after he and I hung up.  His dad took off my sons glasses and put them in the backyard.  Also took away his Ipod his only means to speak to me.  He told my son if I really loved him I would come get him.  He hit my son in the back of the head.  If dad did come into my sons room and returned the ipod but to tell a child ur mum does not love u.  when he gave it back he told my son to call ur mum and have her come get u!!!!!!!  Ocean, you said to take it slow.  He has a year left of high school but will be 18 on the 18th.  I refuse to leave him there 1 second longer than he has to be there.  My son is in danger Ocean.  Ur answer makes me think you r male.

I've been thinking how to respond to this -- and was away from the computer for a few days --

I think you need to take a deep breath....for starters.  And then breathe deeply again.

You came to a site entitled "Fathers" - and your first reaction to advice given is "Are you a dad?"....breathe

We're all worried about our children -- after all, we're all parents.....whether we are the mom or the dad.

I'm gonna guess that your sewing needle is an example of deeper or broader issues that you can complain about with regard to what's happening to your son.

I'm gonna suggest you read Divorce Poison that you can find on Amazon.com. 

I agree with the others in that you need to take it slow.....heck, my son and my former steps waivered back and forth between wanting to live with Dad or Mom ... so all that is normal.  Make the goal to stay in your son's life and keep it THAT simple due to his age.  Even without a divorce in your history, staying in a teen's life is a challenge as they grow and want to explore life on their own terms.

BE the safe zone....but take a deep breath.

If you've reconnected after being absent for four years -- not your choice -- that's actually REALLY awesome!

I hope you've kept a collection of proof that you've tried to connect...