how to get help with alienation by mom?

[tammyg1161]

My husband left his ex-girlfriend in the summer of 2006.  We met in September of that year.  When we met Taylor was just turning 2 years old.  James has a mild form of cerebral palsy.  He is able to ambulate just slowly and he has very poor balance.  When he was still living with his ex he was not allowed to spend any time alone with the child.  Her mother stated this was because of his disability.  Once he moved out she would drop the child to his apartment every other Sunday for a few hours and expect he would take her out to eat along with the child.
In November James told his ex that he would like to have child support handled through the court system.  Heather told James that if he wanted to be a dead beat that he was not going to see the child.  He went the next Monday to the court to petition that visitation would be established and he also filed for child support to be established.
The last week of December 2006 he went to mediation.  At that time Heather said she did not feel safe leaving him with the child for several reasons like he is disabled, he gave her pop once, he makes microwave meals, and he had friends at his apartment.  Nothing was resolved and it went to pretrial.  James was allowed to see Taylor a total of 5 hours between January 1, 2007 and until the middle of May at the second pretrial hearing when the guardian enlightem was present at the court.   She also would withhold phone calls and allow him to speak to the child once every other week or so.  Heather then began to make the claim that James was suicidal and she did not believe that he should be allowed to see the child for fear of her safety.
They ordered a psychological evaluation and forced Heather into agreeing to 8 hour visits every other Saturday.  James and I married in June and he moved to the Detroit area where I live from Cleveland.  We continued to drive 200 miles every other weekend down and then back for visitation.  The days were a killer and since James doesn't drive I know I was a bit cranky by the end of the day.  
When we went back to court in July the psych eval was fine.  The psychiatrist recommended regular weekend visitations.  We had our first weekend here and the mother was allowed to come through our home.  Since that first weekend we have been forced to continue to do all the driving or else to forfeit visitation time.  Heather became quite venomous after this transpired.  Since the beginning she has refused to give us any information about Taylor including medical information or even allergies.  I am a nurse and so I was shocked that she would be so stupid and be willing to put her child at risk if she were to have an accident or became exposed to any allergens while in our company.  
She started sending her to us with sopping wet diapers on a pretty regular basis once she had a horrible diaper rash.  Also she refused to return any of James calls to Taylor until the court finally forced her to allow him to speak to her on Tuesday and Saturday nights.  She has sent her to us dirty, in clothes that are too small, and in shoes that were literally 2 sizes too small.
When we had 8 hour days she was doing all that but once we got overnight visits she got worse.  Taylor started acting different around us.  When we pick her up she will not say barely anything and refuses to look at or speak to me particularly until we leave the Burger King parking lot where we do exchanges.  When we drop her back off, she would behave the same manner.  She is laughing and playing until she sees the Burger King.  James has asked her if she wants to talk to me and she says "no my mommy says no you no talk to Tammy".  She has cried at bed the last few times saying "I miss you dad.  Mommy says no you no go to daddy's.  Mommy says you no love me daddy".  
She was sent in an outfit a size too small with no jacket when it was 60 degrees out with 20 mile per hour winds.  We took her and changed her and went to let her pick out a coat.  My husband I discussed it and were in agreement that we should send her home in the new coat because I was concerned that perhaps she did not have a winter coat.  The next week we picked her up she told us "Look I am wearing my ugly coat".  When we asked why she said her coat was ugly she said that "Mommy says my coat is ugly"  we asked her if she told mommy that she had picked out her coat and she got very quiet and weepy and didn't want to talk anymore.
We bought her a bike for her birthday.  Her mother went and had her dad buy the same bike and then told Taylor that our bike is dirty and bad.  She told her she was only allowed to ride the bike that papa bought for her.  
Last month we picked her up.  Heather has not been potty training her as far as we know but we have been working on it as best we can.  Heather always sends her in diapers.  We use panties with plastic panties over them.  Heather sent her back to us in the panties with plastic pants for the first time.  I took Taylor to the bathroom and there were about 9 puncture holes in the plastic panties.  I asked Taylor how she got holes in her panties.  She responded "My mommy cut them.  My mommy cut them with her scissors."
This has been in the court for a year now.  We have every other weekend Saturday noon to Sunday 3 pm.  It has not been extended any longer because she is unwilling to meet us half way and we cannot afford to pay for a hotel room for 2 nights every other weekend also it is too difficult on me to drive down on Friday night and then not be in a hotel 2 nights and not be able to sleep and then come home Sunday and have to function at work all week.  This has been a huge financial burden on us due to the court cost along with the traveling expenses.  This has also been emotionally draining on both of us but my husband is really feeling overwhelmed because he is being denied access to time with his child or any information regarding her.  We are also concerned because the evidence of alienation has increased as our time with the child has increased and we are concerned because this little girl is being abused mentally.  I believe that once our time is increased (hopefully in February) that her mother is going to get worse.

[MixedBag]

For the alienation, READ Divorce Poison.

For the increasing time and travel stuff, if the other parent doesn't want to cooperate, you have no choice but to ask a judge for assistance.  Translation:  take it to court via action (sounds like this is happening).

For the clothes -- get your own supply and send the child back in whatever they came in when the other parent starts playing this game.  It is a game, simple as that.  And you don't have to buy all brand new stuff, go to the local Goodwill and second-hand store, they usually have good finds that fit this need perfectly and at the right price.  

Dad can do this!!!

Hand in there for the sake of the child and nope, you two are not alone!

[Giggles]

The only thing I don't agree with is the travel issue.  See the problem is...Dad is the one who moved away so he should bear the burden of the additional transportation costs....BUT he might be able to get some sort of CS reduction because of it...it really depends on the judge.

I really reccomend Mix's suggestion on having your own supply of clothing!!  We did this with my X's DD because the BM would send her in stuff that was too tight, dirty or inappropriate for the weather.  I'd get her new stuff that would go back to BM's and we'd never see it again.  So we would have SD change when she got to our house, I'd wash the clothes she was wearing and that's what she would wear back to BM's.  OH and even though the stuff we bought was new...I am a really good Clearance shopper so most of the stuff she had at our house was VERY nice but I got it at good will prices!!!

No...you are not alone and the sad part is...your SD is very young so you have many years of dealing with BM.  I do hope it eventually works out!!!

[gidgetgirl]

Because the parent moved, that parent usually bears the full cost of the additional expenses/time related to that move.

Heartily agree on the book and the clothing issue.

[tammyg1161]

The magistrate has already informed her that she will be forced to drive half way when we go to trial in February.  Dad may have moved but people do that all the time and according to our attorney and the guardian enlightem it is the responsibility of both parents for transportation whether it is 10 miles or 200.

[MixedBag]

you're lucky then....Giggles is right, for the most part -- guess your case gives others hope.

Moving away is always a touchy subject and if you step back, I think you can see if from both sides.  Or if you put yourself in their shoes, I should say.

I was military when I moved -- being active duty includes moving every so often.  I was lucky in that it was only one move.  My EX#1 moved from FL (4 hours away), to Germany, to DC, to Korea, to Colorado, to Hawaii, and back to Colorado during the last 10 years of his career.  Each time, my half of the airline ticket responsibilities fluxuated.....so I think I understand being on both sides of the coin.

And when expenses went up (like to germany and hawaii), there was nothing I could do.  Thank goodness he never asked for them to go to Korea -- yes, THEM (would have been TWO tickets, twice a year, round trip).  Whew!

[Raisin_3]

A CP again for your son?  Good for you!  When did that happen?  Congrats!

[Raisin_3]

From WI to TN we met 1/2 way for Spring Break and then we had to drive him to WI for Christmas and summer break and go and pick him up in WI too.  But we agreed to that since we were the ones moving.

[Giggles]

Don't be surprised if Dad is tasked with the additional transportation costs...NOTHING is final until you get the FINAL order!!!

Oh...also, GAL's (guardian ad litem) only give recomendations to the court...he/she can recommend 50/50 transportation...but it's truly up to the judge to make the ruling!!  My GAL recommended I get custody, but the judge ruled otherwise.....

[Sherry1]

don't be surprised if the magistrate might have misinformed your DH.