I really need some advice....

[BonusMominRI]

Hi everyone,

I just found this site and spent some time reading through the forums and am relieved to see so many people who seem to understand exactly what I'm dealing with! I currently live with my fiancee (4 months before the wedding) and his son. To give you an accurate picture of the situation, I'll start at the beginning and work up to now.

For some reason even though the agreement was joint custody (used to be 3.5 days at both houses) when she (the ex) decided to quit her job and apply for welfare some years back (she had never moved out of her parents' house and still lives with her Dad at 31 years old), she got turned down but the courts made my fiancee start paying child support anyway. She didn't ask for it and he had never paid before since it was all equal down the middle, but the courts didn't care. Here in RI, things are so small it's incredibly easy for grossly unfair and ridiculous things to pass in the courts. The bias toward the mother is especially prevalent here, irregardless of the particular circumstances.

So the schedule changed about 1 1/2 years ago and now we have his 10 year old son with autism 4 days a week, while she has him Tues, Wed, and Thurs nights. It has worked out very well, with us still getting the "good time" (weekends) and still being involved with the school, while she gets him for those 3 nights after he's done with his homework. We figure this doesn't give her too much time to mess with his head, which she does frequently. (as a sidebar, I work with autistic children every day in a clinical setting and have extensive experience with that population of people- she still refuses to read a single book on the subject despite the fact that we got the diagnosis over a year ago and as such doesn't do a SINGLE thing to help this boy learn how to participate in the world around him. Quite the opposite, actually- she keeps him cooped up in her house and encourages him to be shy and blend into the woodwork as she does. Explicitly.)

Now, she never helps him with his homework or participates in his IEP meetings. She appears to be autistic as well (lets herself into my house without knocking like she owns the place if I forget to lock the door, doesn't know when it's time to LEAVE and thinks it's appropriate to call me at 11pm on a Friday night drunk to cry about how her parents are mean to her).

My bonus son sleeps on either the futon in her living room or in her bed with her (which I take HUGE issue with!)- she got rid of his bed because he didn't want to sleep in it anymore. He doesn't eat a thing that wasn't frozen and microwaved and drinks soda like it's going out of style at her place. He told me he asked her to buy spinach and soymilk and that she told him absolutely not. What kid actually WANTS this stuff to begin with, and what kind of mother would refuse to feed a kid spinach and give him a hot pocket instead????

Who does the school call when there's a problem? Me! And I have no legal rights to the kid; I think the school is technically breaking the law by involving me at all but they know who actually takes care of him.

Now, she sends me a text message saying she changed her work schedule (she only works part time, by the way- we support her financially AND support her child completely) and she'll be picking him up on Mondays now. She gave me 4 days notice AND told her son all about her plans. So now he's all confused and will inevitably be led to believe that once again we are keeping them separated (she told him he wasn't allowed in our home when we weren't there, even if he forgot something and wanted to run in to get it which was NOT the case. We had told HER not to enter our home while we weren't there!)... Grrr! I don't know what to do but I want to scream!

My fiancee told her we'd keep him here this Monday and that we'd have to talk with her before next Monday about changing the schedule, but he's worried that not only will we lose the fight, but that the child support payments that we make to pay for her to go out drinking on the weekends will increase, as he makes quite a bit more now than he did when he was ordered to pay them. He views child support as a bribe to the state to keep his parental rights, and insists that I'm being completely naive about the system if I want to fight her. He's ready to roll over and let her take Mondays back but I can't do that without a fight!

Am I being naive? The idea of him spending more time with this toxic woman who has demonstrated a clear incapability of taking care of herself sends me reeling. I woke up shaking with my mind whirling a million miles per hour this morning, and have been most mornings lately. I feel that I owe it to this kid to fight with everything I've got to keep him safe and healthy. I can't in good conscience roll over and play nicey-nice anymore. I love this kid too much.

Any ideas? I don't know where to turn or what route to take. I'm totally new to this whole thing and my fiancee is too paralyzed by fear to take any steps himself. Any help I can get would be fabulous!!

[gemini3]

Welcome to SPARC!  I live in VA but have lots of family in RI.  

Sorry to hear about your struggles - I understand how hard it is for you.  Even though your not their mom, your instinct is to protect them, and you love them just as much as your own.

Here's what I think - you have to let your fiance make the decision.  He's the child's father and, if you go to court, he's going to be the one doing the fighting.  If you're involved AT ALL her lawyer will make it look like you're trying to steal this poor woman's child.  I was accused of having "empty womb syndrome" by ex's attorney.  If he's not ready to fight there is nothing you can do to make him, and you will risk destroying your relationship trying.

You have to let your fiance decide.  Then support his decision, and do what you can for your step-son while he's with you.  Learn what your boundaries are, and stick to them.  It's hard, and it's easy to get sucked in, but you have to let your fiance deal with his ex and his child.

[Giggles]

Most of the things you brought up would be viewed by the judge as "differences in parenting styles".  You and I both know, that is total BS, but not much that can be done.  What I do suggest is that you start documenting anything and everything.  If the child has and IEP meeting, document it that she wasn't there BUT make sure she is aware of it!  How do you do most of the communications with the BM?  If it's telephone, you may want to check into if you can record those conversations.  It may be better if you try to communicate via e-mail that way you have a better paper trail.

With you working with Autistic children and him being autistic, you may be able to use his medical records and the fact that he needs to have an extremely structured environment to thrive.  However, you need to be careful that you do not "slam" the BM, you need to focus on the child and the environment that your household could provide.  Provide medical articles on how autistic children thrive on well balanced diets, structured learning and consistancy.  You need to do a lot of research, a lot of documenting and a bit of playing nicey-nice.

You also need to know that a custody chance does not happen over night.  It requires patience, time and a fairly agressive lawyer.  Start your research now!

I've been on these boards for well over 10 years...I've been there done that it's not easy!!

[tigger]

nothing you can do about it.