NC Mom refusing to allow visit

[north carolina dad]

Hi all,

I have been divorced for 2 years, separated for 3. I work in the restaurant industry, and because my schedule is not always predictable and I've been financially destroyed by this divorce (pay roughly $950/month CS) and working a lot, I have only seen my daughter sporadically, and when we divorced, I got half legal but not physical--with the understanding that as soon as my financial situation was back together and my schedule more predictable, we would change the physical custody to joint 50/50.

To date, PD has agreed to visits that accommodate my schedule.  Roughly 6 months ago, I began seeing someone that I' growing serious about.  Since being in the new relationship, the ex has grown more difficult to communicate with. This culminates this weekend, my daughter and I were planning on spending the weekend with my girlfriend and her son at their home. We have spent time in this home before and there was never a problem.  This time, she is insisting on doing a "site visit" of my girlfriends home and meeting my girlfriend. On Easter. With family visiting. Because it's convenient for the PD? Anyway, we said no. PD said if I took our daughter to my girlfriends (where she has her own bed, she shares a room with my GF's 3 y/o son, my daughter is 7), she would not allow me to take my custody time. 

I have consulted with an attorney, the police department, and the courts. All say I have every right to take custody as planned without appeasing the PD, because of course she has no right to any of this.  My ex is texting me incessantly telling me to "promise" "Swear" that I will not take my daughter to her home, that I will not take my daughter out of the state. If I tell her the truth, she will withhold the visit.  And I have no real recourse immediately. I see her once a week-ish and this is a 4 day visit I've really looked forward to for some time.  However, if I lie, I get to have what is legally mine to have, but I run the risk of a rage and the subsequent things that come with that.   

What are your thoughts? I really need some advice.

[ocean]

Do you have anything written in the court order that states how much or when you get visitation? How old is child?

I understand your job hours are an issue but you can ask the courts to set visitation times/days or some people have something written like "no less than 3 hours after school each week and one weekend a month" or "father will give mother a month notice by the 1st of each month on the weekend he will exercise his parenting rights".

As for this weekend, never tell her ahead of time even the child. Just say to child, we are going to have fun this weekend celebrating easter, cant wait to see you. If older child, just say, dont worry we will have fun with family. As for ex, text "I will be picking xx up on xx at xx time for easter weekend as previously discussed and agreed." then ignore all other texts, save them all. Go pick child up and see what happens. If you do not have concrete court order than police will not help you if she refuses to let child go. Get a police report that she is refusing to allow child to go then file in court. Let phone calls go to voicemail and keep voicemails.

You can file in family court next week yourself if you want for modification of visitation to include specific dates/times as mother is not allowing visits. Your visits is your parenting time and she can not dictate it but may need the courts to tell her this. As for you getting half parenting custody that will probably never happen through the courts if it was not agreed upon in the divorce. You can get a schedule and ask for whatever time you can get off of work. Courts will not get your new GF involved and your ex can not dictate what you do on your parenting time. Good luck!

[tigger]

I'm interested in the outcome of your situation.  I'm in Wake County.

Her reaction is based out of fear.  Whatever the cause of your break up, she now has a new person coming into her daughter's life that she didn't pick, has no control over and doesn't know.  She has no idea the influence this new person will have over her daughter.  It's a scary place to be in.  Not saying she's justified, just saying what is her likely thought process.  Especially if the daughter has nice things to say about your SO. 

Is the SO out of state?  Many CO's have a standard "will notify other parent if child is to be taken out of the state" clause.  My ex routinely ignored this clause.  I knew the person they were visiting (his new wife's sister) and there was no safety concern but it was unsettling that he would feel the need to hide this and raised concern that he may leave the state permanently with them.  (He had always wanted to live in Montana and when you're fearful of something, you're not always rational or reasonable in your thinking.)

Your best defense at this point is to keep all communication "Business Only".  No accusations, no emotions, no information that's not necessary.  We tried to keep a journal that went back and forth and while I entered information that was necessary (health, medication, education, etc.) my ex's wife would include how she made OS's favorite breakfast and what fun they had when daddy cooked out on the grill and how important family time was to them.  Only purpose of that was to get under my skin.  I had no patience for the nonsense and game playing.  But definitely don't feed into her fears or insecurities.