Mother without custody (long)

[TableForGlasses]

Hello, everyone. This is my first post and I am in desperate need of help.

Three years ago, my ex and I split. I was 19 and I was moving to another state, and I didn't think I could handle taking my daughter and dealing with her and trying to find a new job, so I decided it was in her best interest to stay with her father. At the time, her father didn't have any rights to her whatsoever. We weren't married, he wasn't on the birth certificate, I had sole legal and physical custody. About two years ago, I ran into a rough patch financially and Chris ran into a rough patch getting my daughter into school, so he made a deal with me. I was to ammend the birth certificate and sign over temporary custody until I was on my feet. Chris had a lawyer draw up the paperwork, and I didn't even have a lawyer read it, because I couldn't afford even that. So, I signed the paperwork.

It turns out, that paperwork was me signing over all forms of custody, and not temporarily. Now, Chris has changed his phone number, address, and has cut off all contact between me and my daughter. I do have visitation of her, but he doesn't hold up to that. He has decided that one fifteen minute phone call a month and a one hour visit a month is more than reasonable (I'm in Colorado, he's in California), though I have to wait until his parents call me on a weekend they have her. They still go some months without calling me, even when I bug them with emails about wanting to speak to her.

There is much more to the situation, but I already feel that I'm on the verge of slandering and I REALLY don't want to do that. I haven't seen my daughter in three years, as it's been impossible to find out where she is, and I simply cannot afford to travel to Cali, and they will not bring her to me or meet me in the middle. I have been begging for joint custody for the last year since I've gotten on my feet, and I'm being met with a brick wall. As I cannot afford a lawyer, I was hoping that somebody could point me in the direction of how to go about filing for joint custody on my own, and if anybody had an inkling of my percentage of success.

[Sherry1]

Since you were the one that moved, they are not obligated to bring her to you.  Typically the party that moves is the one that ends up having to pay for transportation costs.  Honestly?  If it were me, I would pack up and move back to California so I could be closer to my daughter.

Not a lot of words of wisdom here, but I also know that California is a tough state for the non-custodial parent.

[TableForGlasses]

I'm wondering if perhaps I didn't do a good job at making myself understood (that happens alot!).

I do not want them to bring her to me, I realize that if anything like that were to happen it would be my financial responsibility to get her here, and I'm more than ok with that.

I have no idea where my daughter lives right now because they refuse to tell me and they will not give me my daughter's new home phone number. I do have rights, and they are, it seems to me, in clear violation of them.

I did move to be closer to my daughter, and that's when they moved as well. It didn't do me a whole lot of good.

As I said, I only get one phone call a month (if that, and I have to send email notifications to REMIND them to call me), and it's from her grandparents.

Perhaps I misunderstood what you meant, but this is not about them bringing her to me at all.

[Giggles]

Unfortunately, from the sounds of it, you're probably going to need to go to court.

What does your court order state in regards to visitation?  What about address notification?

Here's a handy tool I use often to find people.....

http://www.zabasearch.com/

[TableForGlasses]

It says I have reasonable rights to visitation (from all the reading I've done, it's my understanding that's the most flexible one), and that's where my problem lies. I thought I had read something yesterday that said the custodial parent is supposed to inform the non-custodial parent of a change of address, but the paperwork we signed was not specific. There were no dates or anything (as I said, when I signed it, I didn't understand it. Which was stupid on my part, but I firmly believe that it was drawn up that way to further the trickery. It wasn't initially court appointed, my ex had his lawyer draw it up. This was supposed to be a completely amicable agreement, and it turned out to be anything but), so I really have no idea what my chances in court are, and I'm very afraid.

I do have several emails telling me that everyone refuses to relinquish his new addy or phone number to me, and even more saved emails begging for someone to call me in regards to my daughter or let me see her. I'm hoping that's a step in the right direction.

Thank you for the link, I'll definitely check it out and see how it works.

[Giggles]

this is the WORST one to have because it's unenforceable.  Who says that he isn't being "resonable"?  There is NOTHING to judge it by.  

You do need to go to court to get an ENFORCEABLE order in place.  An order that is highly SPECIFIC as to dates, times, holidays, locations etc.  I do believe there are some parenting plans in the articles section....or just google Parenting Plan and that should give you some ideas.

You don't have any reason to be afraid, you seem to be a resonable person who wants to have a relationship with her child.  Unfortunately, you would be best suited if you had a lawyer.  Something of this magnitude probably wouldn't be best to tackle alone.

I will say that it's probably going to be rather difficult to get Joint Custody due to the distance issue.  You might get Joint Legal...but that really doesn't do much good.

I consider myself VERY lucky.  I'm a Non-Custodial Mom as well but my X and I get along pretty good.  Much like you, I wasn't in the position to take care of myself and a young child, so it WAS in my daughters best interest to be with her father.  That was 15 years ago.  I get to see my daughter whenever I want.  I talk to her whenever I want.  Heck, I've been e-mailing my X almost all day today because our 16 y/o daughter is mad at both of us for not letting her go down and see some boy.  Her father wont take her down and I agree with him....so she's mad at both of us...hehehe  The reason we get along this well is because we both know it's important to put our daughter's needs FIRST and we both know that she NEEDS the other parent in her life.

Good luck to you!!!

[tigger]

have a third party that interferes with it.

[Giggles]

He and I were discussing what we thing she should do after HS.  He thinks she should go into the AF....I don't particularly like that idea....and I don't think she does either.  She wants to continue in Graphic Design....soooo I need to do some checking for schools...