When father misses visitation...

[MaMa]

I know that if I were to not let my child go to a scheduled visitation with her father he could take me to court and get a make up visit.  I would look bad in court.  My question is, what if the father is the one who doesn't show for the visits?  We had 4 scheduled visits set up and he only showed for 2.  There is no order in place right now, only what the father and I agree on but he said that he doesn't want to set up any visits.  Why is it that he can drag me into court for this but he can go months and months without seeing his child, calling, or even emailing her!!!?? If there is going to be visitation then shouldn't the father be consistant in her life?  Instead of just seeing her twice a year?  He has the chance of seeing her at his parent's house whenever he wants to but he does not take advantage of that privalige.  Is there anything I can do?  If he isn't going to be a 100 percent dad then I don't want him in her life at all.  Any advice would be helpful, thank you.

[MixedBag]

How can the father take you to court for a make-up visit where there are NO VISITS defined in the court order at all?

Not sure I'd worry about him dragging you to court and making you look like the bad parent.  

Keep documentation about what goes on, when where and stuff and know that you've basically got the right idea if you ask me.

[Peanutsdad]

>I know that if I were to not let my child go to a scheduled
>visitation with her father he could take me to court and get a
>make up visit.  I would look bad in court.  My question is,
>what if the father is the one who doesn't show for the visits?
> We had 4 scheduled visits set up and he only showed for 2.

Essentially, if there are no visitation orders in place, then its hard to go into court and say he doesnt excercise his visitation.



>There is no order in place right now, only what the father and
>I agree on but he said that he doesn't want to set up any
>visits.

 Why is it that he can drag me into court for this but
>he can go months and months without seeing his child, calling,
>or even emailing her!!!??

Keep documenting to show a pattern of behavior. Altho, I am having a hard time understanding exactly what status his visitation orders are at.


 If there is going to be visitation
>then shouldn't the father be consistant in her life?  Instead
>of just seeing her twice a year?  He has the chance of seeing
>her at his parent's house whenever he wants to but he does not
>take advantage of that privalige.


Once again, I get the sense that there is more to the story here. Why should he have to see her at his parents home? Im really unclear here .



  Is there anything I can do?
> If he isn't going to be a 100 percent dad then I don't want
>him in her life at all.  Any advice would be helpful, thank
>you.


Sorry,, we all would love to see the other parent be a better parent, be more involved, do what we want em to,, but guess what?? You dont have that control over him, nor should you have.

[wendl]

well my ex has court ordered visitation and rarely used it I took him back to court since he left no calls nothing for 2yrs, the judge granted supervised visits (supervised by his parents whom I trust and my son is comfortable with) document every no show etc. Its sad that some parents choice not to see their kids when many here are trying everything to see them.
Good luck

[joni]

It's terrible when any parent falls short on their child's expectations.   Obviously, you love your child very much and want the father in her life.  Most the fathers on this board want to be actively involved in their children's lives only to be shot down by the mom.  I also think that there's more to this story than we've heard because of the comment about visiting the child at the father's parent's home.  

I don't think a solution is to keep the father out of the child's life altogether.  1) does this mean the paternal grandparent's lives too since the child is seeing them regularly?  You're going to further destroy your child by taking her grandparents away from them 2) you honestly want to punish the father AND your child this way?  What are you going to say to your child when she's older?  Will you say, your dad only saw your twice a year so "I" decided he shouldn't see you at all?  What sort of solution is that?  That for sure will bite you in the a$$.

What your child knows now is this, she has a mother who loves her and wants her to be happy.  She has Paternal (your Ex's) grandparents  who love her and want her to be happy.

Hopefully your Ex will get his act together sooner than later.  

[Indigo Mom]

-----what if the father is the one who doesn't show for the visits? -----

You get to spend all that extra time with your child.  I know "why" you want to know "why" it's unfair that he can take you to court for denying him parenting time, but you can't take him to court when he fails to show up...but...bottom line?  You're getting a heck of a deal.  You get more time with your child!  Isn't it great?

-----There is no order in place right now, only what the father and I agree on but he said that he doesn't want to set up any visits. Why is it that he can drag me into court for this but he can go months and months without seeing his child, calling, or even emailing her!!!??-----

Now this I don't understand.  If there's no order in place, then neither of you can head back to court when the other screws up.  

-----If there is going to be visitation then shouldn't the father be consistant in her life? Instead of just seeing her twice a year? -----

Every parent should be consistant in their childrens lives.  Those big "breaks" between contact are tough on a child...they have something "missing", and it's not fair to the child.  What are you going to do?  Just like the 1st thing I told you...enjoy the extra time with your child and give her all sorts of extra love.

-----He has the chance of seeing her at his parent's house whenever he wants to but he does not take advantage of that privalige. -----

Does he live far away with parents who live close to you?  I don't understand this one.

-----Is there anything I can do? If he isn't going to be a 100 percent dad then I don't want him in her life at all. Any advice would be helpful, thank you.-----

Well, here's where you're a bit "off".  He's not the "greatest" parent, we've established that.  Is he "harming" her in any way...OTHER than failing to see her?  If he's not doing drugs, drinking while he sees her, in and out of jail, blah blah etc...then it wouldn't be "right" to rip him.  If he "is" doing all these terrible things, if he "is" harmful to her, then there's something you can do.  

I'm sorry your child has to go through all this...it's not fair, is it?

[annas mom]

I feel your pain here. I have a 15 month old who has the same type of father.  He is constantly playing the victim saying that he doesn't get to see his child, but when he has the option he never shows. We have been playing this game now since her birth. We went to court last March and set up a visitation schedule which consisted of 2 visits during the week for a couple of hours and 1 Saturday morning visit every other weekend. After I spent over $2000 on a lawyer last year he has refused to follow the order. He showed up as scheduled for less than 2 weeks, now he doesn't see her at all. He has not seen her since June (and only saw her then because I took her to his job while he was on break) and has decided now to take me back to court because I moved 45 minutes away for a new job. I think the only thing you can do is to set a visitation schedule and both of you sign it. This way, if he fails to show you can document it. Until you have something in writing he can continue to play the victim because it is simply your word against his if you end up in court. He can always claim that he didn't know about the visit or that you never confirmed it, but if you have a schedule in writing that he has signed then he can never twist the facts.
I also know how you feel about his not being consistent as far as your child's welfare. Being a child of a broken home I often felt that I had done something wrong when my father missed a visit. Therefore anyone who tells you that it is not harmful to the child for the father not to show has not truly seen the other side of the equation. While it is detrimental to the child psychologically for the father not to show, it is equally detrimental for her not to have a relationship with him at all, so I urge you to exhaust all possible options before you consider trying to terminate the relationship permenantly. Know that this will be a long hard road, but if you can both agree to disagree sometimes you child will end up in a much better situation. Best of luck to you!

annas mom