Ex says she will prohibit kids staying with me if...

[baron11]

I had a rather difficult divorce and am having tremendous difficulty with my ex in many different aspects.

The story, like many others is very long.  I have a girlfriend that I have been seeing for over a year now.  We are getting married we just don't have a date yet.  She is still awaiting a final date on her divorce.  Her ex and her get along very well and I get along great with her ex.  He is very supportive of our relationship.  My girlfriend, Laura and her ex have two children.  I myself have two children.  We have our children on opposite weekends.  When Laura's children are there Laura and I sleep in the same bed, the kids sleep upstairs.  My ex, states that our divorce agreement prohibits my kids staying with me over-night if Laura and I share the same bed.  My kids are 9 and 10.  Our divorce agreement had a statement about paramours relationships and the moral upbringing of our children.  My ex insists that it is immoral for Laura and I to sleep together while the kids are there and that it is against our divorce agreement.  I maintain that a paramour is the partner to an aldutress relationship.  In other words, while you are married and have a girlfriend she is the paramour and should not be sleeping over while the kids are present.  However we are now divorced therefore Laura would not be a paramour.  As far as being immoral, we have been seeing each for over a year.  I have two kids coming out of a divorce and don't see anything immoral about two adults in a serious relationship sleeping with one another, spending time together to be absolutely sure they should get married.  Could anyone shed some light on this for me?  I can give more details if needed.  If Laura and I share the same bed, will my ex be able to prevent my children from staying overnight?  My ex tell our kids many things that just aren't true.  Help.

Thanks,

[nosonew]

Honestly, regardless of their ages, you should likely have yourself or gf sleep in separate bedrooms at the present time.  This is my reasoning for this:

1. Kids need parameters set. If one parent is telling the kids its not okay to have sex before marriage, and the other parent is having gf over, and if they sleep in the same bed, you can bet the bm is telling them what you are doing in there.  They don't need to be involved in that, and by simply sleeping in separate rooms until you marry (just when your kids are there), you are "trying to co-parent effectively although you personally don't 100% agree with her decision, however, you will go along with it".

2. I have heard of many judges not allowing anyone except a spouse to remain in the house overnight, much less sleeping in the same bed. By agreeing to sleep in separate bedrooms, you may save yourself from the gf having to leave the home entirely at bedtime. (believe it or not, there are people here on this board that have to do this per court order!)

3.  If her ex is okay with everything, her divorce should be final soon, be patient.

4.  Although you and gf undoubtedly feel the ex is delegating what does on in your home and bedroom, look at it this way, YOU are picking your battles, and in the whole scope of things, this is a little, itty bitty battle.

5.  Save your $$ for the bigger battles, like seeing your kids at all.  If she is a true PBFH, with-holding visitation should come along soon, along with some PAS, which is likely already occurring.  

6. And you can pull this same thing on her if someone ever comes knocking on her door in the future. With young kids, unless she gets married, she can't have anyone in her bedroom either!

Good luck and just laugh about it.  Set your alarm clock for 1am on those nights and go visit your gf for a couple of hours, then go back to your room before morning.  She thinks she is winning the battle, but you need to win the war.

Best of luck and congrats on your future wedding.

[baron11]

I really appreciate your well organized response.  

My ex tells the kids it is illegal/against the law for them to be with me if Laura spends the night.  Then I find out that this girlfriend that my ex and the kids stay the night with is 20, my ex is 39.  My daughter confides in me that her mother, me ex, has told them not to tell Daddy that the girls father is my exs boyfriend.  So now she has the kids lying.  She is calling Laura names in front of the children and calling me names in front of the kids.  One of her famous lines was, Daddy is divorcing us!  She is turning the kids against Laura.  My ex had and more than likely continues to have drinking problems.  I get the kids every other weekend and see them every Tuesday and Thursday for a few hours.  I have to have them back 1 hour before bed-time.  The bed-time is supposed to be 8:30.  Yet my daughter again has confided in me that bed-time is 9:00 and was told not to tell me.  I asked her about bed-time without alluding to what my daughter has said and she says bed-time is 8:30.  What do I do?  I can't point out to my ex what my daughter has said, I told her I wouldn't.  What I would like to pursue is court ordered family counseling.  I am really skimming the top here and I realize you are only getting half the story.  Laura has tried to talk to my ex and even wrote her a nice letter.    My ex has left nasty e-mails and phone messages.  I don't know what to do.  I want my children to have decent life.  I want my children to learn what love and life really are.  I want them to grow up to happy  well adjusted people.  I am really scared that these desries of mine are in jeapordy.

[nosonew]

Im sure we only get a small portion, or else we'd be reading novels every day lol! A few suggestions after btdt:

1.  Never tell a secret your child(ren) have told you in confidence if it does not put them in danger. (I agree with you, don't say anything to ex about the bedtime thing, they may not tell you something more important in the future if you lose their trust)

2.  Your gf, Laura, get her out of the middle asap. She is not to talk to ex on phone, email her, letters, nothing.  I realize she is just trying to make the peace, but just by breathing she is aggravating the situation.It is not her fault or yours, just a reality.  

3.  Don't respond emotionally to any of her emails, or verbal threats. If she gets hateful on the phone, very politely tell her that when she can talk without being hateful, she can call you back, then hang up. If she emails you hateful things, respond to her email with ONLY "Dear XXX,
For the best interest of the children, I believe we need to work together without hateful comments.  In the future, I wil not respond to these type of emails.  Sincerely, Dad  *Or something to that effect.  THEN FOLLOW THRU, don't respond!  Within a couple of months, when she doesn't get the satisfaction of upsetting you, she will quit these behaviors.

Best of luck

[Peanutsdad]

Sorry, but I had to chime in on hateful ex's.


My own ex is bipolar,, and when she goes off on a rampage, I calmly tell her that her phone number will be blocked for XX days until she calms down. If she resorts to email, I then email her with the same reply.

It has worked well for me,, simply because, she cannot stand to be ignored. Thus, she remains for the most part,,civil.