Info on PAS

[our4girlz]

I am searching for anyone knows a good deal about Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS) I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 yrs now and my boyfriend has 2 daughters. Problem is, I firmly believe their mother is alienating the girls from him. They have joint custody but she lives 3 hours away. She lied to the children when they first moved out and separated. She has made them think that I was the reason she "had to leave", when in fact she packed everything up one day & left him w/an empty house. Their divorce is not final because she refuses to sign the papers for fear that we will get married I suppose. We have been getting them every other weekend, but about a month or so ago, she called, put the 9 yr old on the phone and made her accuse her father of beating her and being mean & said she didn't want to visit. As not to upset the kids, he has not made a stink about not getting them, but now I'm mad. I think she is trying to use it against him. He has only spoken to the oldest once in 6 weeks and she was fine on the phone. The 6 yr old refuses to speak on the phone. I also have 2 girls and his ex insists that my children tease her kids, which is not true...they are all good friends. She is now accusing her last boyfriend of spanking the children and the kids have told us she threatened to take away all of their things if they told anyone. I truly feel she is guilty of PAS, but am unsure of how to prove it. She is constanly screaming at the children's father in front of them and demanding "her" child support, which he pays on time, and it's an unhealthy environment. My boyfriend will not win a father-of-the-year award, but he does love his kids and would like to spend more time with them. But it's impossible to deal with her. The kids seem more like a meal ticket to her than anything.

[mango]

Yes–PAS. I (we) have been dealing and reading about it for years. I find that you can't prove it and even if you do, they will never reverse custody because of it.

My step-daughter is constantly being brainwashed against us, and talks bad about us behind our backs. I know she is doing it to survive in her mothers environment. When she is out of sight of her mother she is happy and signing and clad to be with us.

I would get the book. Children Held Hostage: dealing with programmed and brainwashed children. It's great. At least reading it, you understand stuff better and see the tactics. Another is Divorce Poision. It helps you understand why it's being done and some ways to combat it.

All you can do is take the high road, keep trying, never bash the other side, and provide unconditional love.

I might pursue the abuse allegations.

Also if in your home I would record calls with mother, it's a  bountiful source of how the programming is done, and could be used in custody evaluations.

If you have an evaluation done, find out which evaluators in your area are good and fair. Some are out for "keeping peace" with attorneys and taking the middle of the road stance. Find one that is willing to see what is really happening.

Once in there you need to bring out all the things that are happening without saying it's PAS. Let them make the call. Just point them in the right direction.

Keep a journal of stuff. Start preparing.

hope that helps!

[SallyandJack]

What a sick world!  We too are going through a very similar situation although maybe we can combat it because it has just begun.  All of a sudden my sd is afraid to come to sleep at our house because she would 'cry all night' and doesn't want to go on vacations with her daddy because she woulds 'miss her mommy too much'.  Meanwhile, she is always a happy child (6 1/2) and until recently loved coming to our home.  There were never any incidents.  We know the mother is prompting this behavior.  We are about to go back to court for a whole host of reasons.  

I know we can't fully combat this however I am thinking to go out and buy a camcorder and start taking videos of her and her father, esp. when they are here.  I know that when she comes she will remember how much she liked it here and then maybe we can start talking to her about her fears.  I am not a big camcorder person but I am thinking it could help down the road.

I would love taking us to take her to a child psychologist but I don't want to step over the line.  I am sure that the mother wouldn't approve although I am also sure that the mother will do this herself before going back to court.

anyone else with ideas?

[Brent]

Well, you can find a ton of stuff on Parental Alienation here:

http://www.deltabravo.net/cgi-bin/search.cgi?Terms=+PAS

As with most divorce related issues, Parental Alienation has to be documented so the court and evaluators can see patterns of interference and the history of the alienation. Keep a log, either on paper, in something like the PTT, or (preferably) in something like the OPTIMAL Custody Tracker (http://www.parentingtime.net).