Help Please

[noelanilyn81]

Hi everyone, This is our first time posting here and we are in need of advice.  My fiance has 2 boys from his previous marriage ages 10 and 12.  We are supposed to get them every other weekend as well as two days during the week.  Split holidays and 2 non consecutive weeks in the summer.  The problem is that his ex wife refuses to let us have them in the summer for our extended time.  Everytime we suggest dates they always have plans and eventually the summer is over.  Also, she will not allow us to call them, email them(she blocke dus form their addresses) or instant message them.  When they are at her house they have to refer to my fiance as Douglas and their stepfather as daddy.  She often tells the kids that doug doesnt care for them and things like that.  He pays his child support on time every month, it is garnished form his wages, but she tells the kids that she doesnt get money from him.  If we call them on their birthdays she wont allow us to speak to them and then tells them that we never called.  We are at wits end in trying to work with her.  She refuses to budge even an inch since she has gotten remarried.  The main thing is is that the boys are growing up and douglas is afraid he is losing hold on them.  Does anyone have any idea of what we could do to get more time with them or at least telephone privledges on their birthdays and fathers day?  Doug is a very involved father who doesnt want to lose his kids.  They have been divorced for 8 years but the problems have just gradually gotten worse and he is afraid that she is eventually going to push him completely out of their lives.  Any info would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks Paula and Doug

[Peanutsdad]

The best advise is file contemp of visitation for EACH denied visit.


Start with these links for reading,, then post further :)



Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm

Suggestions When Falsely Accused
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc1.htm

Dealing With Threats Of False Allegations
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/blackmail.htm



One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at:

[smtotwo]

What we did was  1) FILE CONTEMPT EVERYSINGLE TIME YOU MISS A
                              VISIT

                         2)  Our summer and holidays are very specific.  We
                              1 full week each month of the summer, The third
                               week that runs from sunday through saturday,
                               which happens to work out, that it falls
                               immmediately after our 3rd full weekend.
                               Psycho gets 1st half of x-mas and easter, we get
                               2nd half.  She gets memorial day we get labor day.
                               1st and 3rd weekends beginning at 5 pm on
                               friday through 6 pm on sunday.    

                         3)  He who wants fetches.  We always pick up at the
                              begining of visits and she always picks up at the
                              end.  There is no waiting or worrying about her
                              showing up at a halfway point.  We did have that
                               problem which is why the order was changed.
                              And if she wants them back she'll "fetch" them.

                         4)  Get a parenting plan filled out.  You can also have
                               it ordered that no party may make disparaging
                               remarks about any other party, parties to include
                               S'mom, S'dad, psycho, and Dad.

                         5) Ask for specific phone visits. Ours are every Tues
                             and Thurs from 7-8 pm.  We record ALL calls. But
                             live in a one party state so we can do it and use it in
                             court.


My skids also call DH by his first name but only at their house. They know who DAD is but they may well get punished for calling him dad.

Our psycho actually told the kids that DH wasn't their real dad and Her new hubby was.  And soon they wouldn't have to come here at all.
NEENER NEENER NEENER!!  That was 3 yrs ago.  I get hugs from both the boys everytime they're here now!!

And always remeber these 2 things    First- Kill her with kindness

                                                       Second- what goes around comes
                                                                    around.


She'll get hers in the end.

[mango]

I read on this forum a place where you can send letters to the kids schools, teachers or counselors. Or try a certified letter. It's just not right. Children need to know that both parents love them. (They feel they are half of both, and if one parent is thought of as bad they view themself as half-bad) I grew up without my dad, and was told he didn't pay support and didn't care. Whether it is true or not, i didnt care. It should not have been told to me that I was not loved or cared about. As a child your emotions are undeveloped and all you can process is that you are unworthy. It's wrong.

I would just keep trying to contact them, through aneighbor or friend or anyway possible.

As for summer, start planning way ahead, and document you request ahead of time. Give a response time of 10 days. " i will be taking my children on these dates, if you have any objections to these dates respond within 10 days otherwise I will expect to see them on July ..."

[MixedBag]

and if she does it again, take her back to court for not getting the two weeks over the summer.  And when you go back, ask for more time, make up time, and defined periods of time.

Get your phone time defined when you go back to court and ask the judge that she be held in contempt for this too.

E-mail and IM'ing them is a privilege -- if she won't allow it, I would bet that the court won't order that this form of communication be made available to Dad.  (JMHO)

Calling Step-Dad -- DAD -- and referring to DAD by his first name is wrong.  The boys know that -- and like the other person said, it could be that they are punished by their mom for calling their real Dad "Dad."  Sad, but true -- there are parents out there like that.  Just take that one step at a time...if they call Dad -- DAD -- when they are with dad, then don't sweat it.  Mom is just making herself look like a fool in their eyes at her place then.

Good luck!

[SallyandJack]

document everything (Optimal Parent tracker is great - I am very impressed by it.)

&

get a good lawyer (http://www.aaml.org/)

&

take her to court

&

get the visitation more clearly defined or maybe even fight for full custody

we are going through similar problems.  it is a very frustrating and painful experience.  we are headed to court.  and we are armed with a top notch lawyer and lots of documentation.  we may not win but we are going to fight like hell.

at least you've found an excellent site where you can talk to many people going through what you are.

[tjraid18]

  I'm new here also & it felt like reading a mirror image of what I went through a few (4-5?) years ago. I'm a beginner and don't have much advice but offer what I can with my best wishes. The advice everyone above has given sounds great. Theres really nothing you can do other than going through the courts to enforce your parenting plan.So-- It's frustrating, but can be effective in time if you stay with it. I did'nt do very well dealing with it & a lot of guys just give up completely because they feel theres nothing they can do. Write it all down the best you can when visitations are missed. the more detailed and complete the better.I realize it heats things up going this route, but its the only route we have. Read other peoples posts and if you can share ideas or be helpful--- please do so. it could'nt hurt. Just be persistent and patient and in time hopefully things will get better, good luck!!!!