Kids say they do not want to visit.

[papa to 6]

I am father to 6 kids.  2 from previous divorce g14, b11.  4 I married with their Mom b10, g8, g6, b4.  We have full custody of Q's 4(my wife).  My 2 kids (m2) I have dinner with every tuesday night and they stay with us every other weekend, every other holiday, half of all school breaks.  Yesterday I received call from m2 and they are telling me they do not want to stay at my house this weekend.  Heartbroken I tell them they do not have a choice and will do as their parents say.  This creates an all out riot with g14 telling me she will not come.  b11 is less adamant about it but somewhat argumentative.  This has happened once before to the same end.  When asking for specifics all I heard was "I don't want to." or I'm bored.  I then had a follow-up phone call with the ex and she said, "they will be there at 7pm and you are getting a letter from my lawyer."  Same person who cannot look at me when speaking to me.  From m2 I hear repeated statements that sound like my ex and when I hear stories retold by them about past visits I don't hear about the walks, or the board games, or the dinners I have had with them, I only hear what argument they had with whom or how they feel they have been wronged.  My wife has been nothing but supportive and loving to m2.  It seems that my ex only talks to m2 about the bad things that happened and she seems to do this over and over so all they remember is the negative.  I thought of having m2 write down in a journal 5 positive things from every visit and keep the journals at our home that way they can use that to remember the good things.  I feel my ex is digging for bad things and then bashes us with m2.  I don't feel I have enough time w/ m2 to correct this.  I also feel this is well within Parental alienation syndrome.  How do I approach and correct this so m2 are not torn from me?  Did I do the right thing not giving them the choice on the visit?  Any advice on how to deal with the situation would be greatly appreciated.

[4honor]

They are children. You don't give them choices about living in Siam or following the law or going to school. Why would you give them a choice about spending time with you in your household. After all, you are bound by a court order and so are they.

Do regular chore things together side by side (make dinner, do home improvement projects etc.) and they will start to let you in on their lives. It is hard to push behind a relationship that you have BOTH invested into.

Make sure there is nothing specific about the other children that is making your children justifiably uncomfortable. Blended familes are hard on everyone for longer than you might think.

Make sure you are spending some time one on one with each of your two children. They may hate sharing you, and hte other kids get you 24/7. Kids push away when they think they are going to be abandoned .... saves on the hurt.

Don't give in. Don't give up, and know that many of us here a prayer warriors for the families of those who post here. You've just been added to the list.

[papa to 6]

I spent much time searching yesterday and found several PAS websites that sometimes had me feeling like they were talking about my situation.  I found the same thing, don't ever give up on them!  My wife is also a victim from a similar childhood experience with PAS and she said don't give up!  The kids need me!  I thought I was just being selfish and that I need them and I do, but they need me much more.  I am going to see a family counselor soon to find out what I can do about this.  I feel the ex and her husband need counseling also to save the kids from this.  Thank you for your reply!  Any other info I can get is greatly appreciated!  I have to give it the good fight, for them!  

[mango]

We deal with the blended families, and the SD goes home with complaints about the kids getting into her stuff, or drawing on her books, etc. Seldom (if ever) does she tell her BM about the great times, the fun bike rides, or the hours of tickle parties etc.

Her mother has conditioned her to speak only the bad, for it will be rewarded–somehow. Understanding PAS helps, but it is still so very hard. It's as if you have to constantly be on your toes to undo the damage, walk on eggshells, worry about the little fights the kids get into, worry about diciplining too harsh. Etc.

I went to a therapist and he told me to do what the BM mother does only in a good way. Give them something to think about you at their BM house, a photo, a bracelet, pencils Tell them to think about you when you look at or use it. If it's rejected, tell them the moon or sun or rainbows remind you of them, and everytime they see it to think of you. Sounds hoakie but he said you need to keep yourself in thier thoughts. Write a letter, call over their house, send a note in thier coat pockets for them to discover later. (it helps trust me)

I laughed when I read the 5 good things journal, we do that too. We each go around the dinner table and tell the 3 highlights of the day. We also tell them how important love and family is. I figure I need to re-wire their brains to focus on the good no the bad.

It's constant work, but it keeps things even for now.

The BM's are clever tho, they will come up with new ways to disrupt. You just keep going and hope it wears off. :-)

If worst comes to worst tell them about PAS, and how important it is for both parents to be in their lives.

Siblings are important too, it teachers them how to get along inlife with others, plus once the parents are gone they will always have their sibling bonds.