Please Help Me

[Sick2MyStomach]

I don't exactly know what kind of advice i'm looking for but i'll just explain my situation and if you have any input please do b/c i could really use it.

I'm 19 yrs old and I have a almost 2 yr old son.  Last June I filed for a restraining order against the father of my son b/c he assaulted me and he filed for joint custody/visitation rights.  When we went to court he had a lawyer and I didn't so I asked to be appointed one, which didn't happen b/c I live at home with my parents and their income was too high.  Well in the end the agreement came down to us having joint custody but the baby living with me and him having visitations upon agreement.

Well I got served papers that he's taking me back to court again b/c he doesn't like how visitations are under MY terms.  This whole thing is really tearing me apart it makes me so sick to my stomach.  Anyways i'm wondering if anybody knows if when I go back this time since i'm 19 now and i'm not on my parents insurance, i'm in school & i'm working if when asked to be appointed a lawyer will I be turned down again b/c of my parents income just b/c i'm living with them?

I DO want my sons father to be apart of his life but I don't like the environment that he's bringing him into.  The father who is also 19 lives in an apt with his mother and she can hardly afford to keep the electricity on for some reason.  At least every other month it's being shut off for weeks at a time sometimes.  I brought this to the attention of the judge last time we were in court and she said that somebody from social services would be sent to check out the house but they never sent anybody.

Also the father has anger problems (hence why I got a restraining order against him).  If you walk into his house there are holes in the door, cubboards, and holes that are on the wall being covered up by pictures.  The father is currently on an anti-depressant for his anger.  He gets in moods where he doesn't feel anything is wrong with him and will stop taking his medication, he's done this pleanty of times before and has even gotten a stronger form of anti-depressants.  I don't think the medication will work too well though b/c several times when I brought our son to his house the porch was full of empty cases of beer and 40 oz liquor bottles . . . in which he's had previous alcohol problems but nothing I could probably prove in court.

The girl he is currently see'n has been heard to of spread rumors about our son say'n that he caught a STD from me when he was born so of course I don't want her or any of his friends around our child for that matter, they are just disgusting & irresponsible. The whole environment is bad . . . the father and me were good friends for a while after we broke up and he has told me that he's not happy living there, so how can he make our child happy if he's not happy?  The father isn't in school and doesn't work, he's suppose to pay child support but he quit his job so he's not paying it.  He goes through phases where he wants to be in his sons life one min then the next he goes a month w/o having any contact with him and acts like he doesn't even have a child.

I guess what the father wants is him from 8pm fri till 8pm sun overnight, to spend fathers day & his birthday with him & to alternate holidays.  Like I said I really do want him to be apart of our sons life but i'm not liking the whole overnight thing . . . I just don't trust it.  What chance if any do I have of them not giving him the overnights?  I mean last time we were in court they seemed like they wanted to give him what he wanted even though we did it through Domestic Violence Court and knew about the assault (since it was his first offense brought to there attention it was dropped) & him having anger problems.

Any help would be greatly appreciated . . . i'm sorry it's so long I just could really use some type of advice b/c it's tearing me apart and I feel like I can't deal with this once again.

[IceMountain]

You are very young... and dare I say 'naive'.  I don't mean that in a cruel way.  You are getting a taste of what the court system is like... and it's not fun or easy!!!

Your ex should be paying child support.  He should be working!  How old were you when your son was born?  How old was your ex?  I wish I could tell you there would be definite ramifications for him not paying support, but it varies by state... and individual case.  Some people get away with it for years, while others are thrown in jail in a matter of months.  It's definitely a flawed system and one you are probably going to battle a number of times.

Your ex sounds to be immature if nothing else.  But what you have to remember is that the courts will look at the best interest of the child.  Unless you can prove he is endangering your child.... you will have a tough time preventing overnight visitations.  If you can prove he is unstable and has anger control problems you may be able to get supervised visits, but it will be up to you to prove he is a danger to your child.  

How is he with your child?  Does he play with him?  Show him affection?  Does he show interest when he is with him?

If the environment is physically bad and there are no minors in the home I'm not sure how much social services can or will do.  Everybody has different living standards.  Living without electricity is definitely a hazard for when your child is there.  

If your ex is not happy in his home then he needs to take it upon himself to move out, get a job and make his situation better.  You are both 19 and live at home.  Are you always happy?

As far as the visitation schedule goes, what he is asking is not extraordinary.  He has the right to overnight visits with your son... the same as you do... even if he is not paying child support.

What you need to do is document everything!!!!!  Document Document Document!!!!  Every visit, every conversation, everything!

I wish you luck!

[jmymac]

My advise is very similar to your first response. I have to say this to you though and only out of respect for sharing knowledge so please do not take what I say in a bad way.  Your version of the story,while very real to you, doesnt really matter to the court. what they want or suppose to want is best interest of child.  For your needs as I see, what you are saying is that you are worried about overnights and the local environment around your ex.  Unless the environment threatens physically in nature your not going to have much of a case.  As I read your situation, it was filled with alot of he said she said type stuff, rumors and things you may complain about with your family.  The court is not your family and it has different "goggles" that it looks through.  My best advise to you is to educate yourself on custody matters.  I dont think you have based on your conclusion that the court was giving him what ever he wanted and what he wanted was overnights.  In almost every joint legal custody agreement there is a primary care giver and then there is the non-custodial parent. Basic standard visitation will almost always have at least 1 weekly visit every week and at least every other weekend visitation ( this includes overnights) there can be many things added to these arrangements but this is basic, so please dont think that your ex is getting what he wants.  I would be very very very careful about what you tell a judge and how you say it.  I would imagine that to the judges ears your story that you wrote to this forum would sound like this....blah blah blah blah blah. DO NOT ALLOW THE COURT ROOM TO TURN INTO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW. Judges are looking for credibility and facts and organization.  
Now about your ex and his temper.  IF what your are saying is true and please realize that truth to you is your view on things.  When you tell a story stick to the facts.  Do not give your opinions, because you could then be viewed in a light that does not help your cause. If what you say is true then he would benefit from counseling and you should encourage that.  also the fact that he was on antidepressents shows that he has sought help for his problem, especially if a counselor advised him to do so.  Also, he shouldnt be be mixing alcohol with antidepressents. also in most states if there is a domestic abuse charge there is some sort of state sponsored mandatory counseling that must be attended during a probationary period.  If he is taking this seriously, it could benefit him and ultimately his relationship with you (as the childs mother) and then to the child.  It can be hard for a male to accept responsibility as a father when they cant really make good decisions for themselves and then you add into it anger control problems and alcohol,  look at him as an individual that is in need of help, and something you can do to help is to encourage him to accept responsibility, DO NOT ARGUE ABOUT IT.  The responsibility of being a parent which evades so many people naturally is only further compounded when that person is a non-custodial parent.  I say this all to you because I was in a somewhat similar situation as he is.  I had a domestic conviction that I plead no contest to ( to save the money) I also figured that the deferred judgement wouldnt be a big deal. The mother of my child definitely has childhood issues and a year before the domestic happened, she and her family tried placing 3 felonys and 2 misdemeanors on me.  This happened in another state.  All charges were dropped because I had recorded the entire event with a hidden tape recorder.  My point is that she has shown the ability to lie to the authorities already, the physical evidence that was shown does not support her allegations at all.  She was hitting me and threatening me about taking our daughter away (she had done this 3 times prior and each time she left the state) originally I couldnt do anything because I hadnt established paternity rights but I have that now, I keep a calendar of every contact, I tape record every conversation, and I never meet with her alone anymore.  This is all for my protection.  I have been waiting to file contempt for more things to happen, she has violated every aspect of the papers we signed and when I confront her with how this affects our child, she laughs at me ( yes, this is recorded as well) check your local states laws about eaves dropping and concealed tape recorders (very important)

[Sick2MyStomach]

Thank you for responding!!  I was 17 when my son was born and the father was turning 18 the day after I gave birth to my son.  Yes he should be paying child support but what he's "suppose" to do and what he does is two different things.  When he was paying child support it was only $25 every two weeks and he wasn't paying a while back and was suppose to get a strike against him but I guess he paid it before that happened.

Exactly, the courts are suppose to look at what's in the best interest for my son but yet they didn't even send somebody from social services to check out his house like they said they were going to.  Plus like I previously said we were in Domestic Violence Court when doing the whole custody/visitations thing last time and they didn't even take it into consideration that he assulted me.  He has anger problems what makes them think he wouldn't hit the child when he gets mad if he has me?  He use to get into arguements with his father (they don't even speak at the moment) and he would take it out on me.

The time that i was around he seemed like a great dad . . . they play basketball together (from what i can tell, that's all my son talks about when I say we're going to dada's house) & when I pick him up after I get out of school he gives him hugs & kisses goodbye, I dunno how he is though when i'm not there.

See I don't think being w/o electricity is good either I mean if they don't have electricity how are they feeding him?  Eating peanut butter sandwiches 3 times a day & for snack is just a little ridiculous to me.

I don't think my ex will ever move out of his moms house or better himself, he's so use to getting things his way b/c his mom just didn't give a shit.  I was brought up to respect my elders and I always do . . . but i'm sorry I went off on her and told her that the reason her son is the way he is b/c of her, b/c she isn't a mother to him.  Ever since I knew him at 15 his mom has been buying alcohol for him, she would give him the keys to her car KNOWING he drank and let him drive drunk/drink & drive, she just let him do as he pleased.  His dad on the other hand tried to lay down rules and that's prob why they don't get along.

Me & my mom have tried to help him so many times & even though my dad didn't care too much for him he tried to get him a job but he never went to apply.  He just takes EVERYTHING for granted, he thinks lifes a joke and I feel he's only doing this for excitement.  I really don't think he's the one that wanted to do this b/c even last time he filed for visitations it wasn't him everybody else was pressuring him into do'n it.  It's always some bs when it comes to him.

Oh & I got a notebook so I can document everything!! Thanks so much

[Sick2MyStomach]

Thanks for responding.  I understand exactly what you mean about my story really doesn't matter to the courts.  That's why i'm hoping I can be appointed a lawyer and he can put things into terms that the court will actually want to hear.  Like I said a couple of times now he had assulted me and we did the whole visitation/custody thing in Domestic Violence Court last time, they knew he had anger problems so what makes them think he wouldn't take the anger out on the baby while he's with him?

Am I suppose to just take that chance that he won't do anything?  That's crazy in my eyes . . . what if that one chance ends up hurting my child or worse ends his life?  Is the courts going to bring my child back?  I mean when it comes down to it, it was their fault b/c they felt they knew what was best for my child and put him in that environment.  Maybe that sounds ridiculous but it happens far too often.

About the encouraging the counseling . . . you mean in court right?  I mean i've tried before to encourage him to do it outside of court but it never happened, but is that something the courts can make him do?

I know he shouldn't be mixing alcohol and anti-depressants is that something to bring to the judges attention though?

I try not to argue about things as much as possible . . . frankly i'm so sick of it, half the time I don't even say anything to him when I see him just to avoid an arguement.  I mean all I do is try with him, I try to be nice and that always ends up backfiring.

See just like with your childrens mother my sons father had a whole lot of childhood issues too.  See what your childrens mother was doing is wrong and I would never do anything like that.  When he asks me to bring him over I do, he watches him all day while i'm in school tues & wed and even watches him while i'm at work sometimes.  It's not like he doesn't see him, I mean I can honestly say that before I was worse and use to deprive him of his rights but i realized that, that wasn't fair to him or our son.  I just get really overprotective, I mean when it comes to your children you can NEVER really be too percautious . . . it's better safe then sorry right?

When it comes down to it, I just don't want my son to turn out like his father.  He had a lot of issues in his childhood and is still affected by them today.  There is no reason for my son to end up that way when he has so many people who love him.