phone call problems...

[too_short]

Hi all,

I have an 8 year old son. When he goes into a tantrum --- he has a behavior disorder which is not being treated, I'm trying to get counseling ordered -- he demands to call his mother. However, whenever he goes into these fits, I give him a time out -- and tell him can't call until the tantrum ends. I don't have any issues with him talking to his mother just not when he's in a fit and being disciplined for it. After he calms down, I always ask if he wants to call his mother, and he often says no. Mother feels differently about the issue, that son should be able to call whenever he wants to. To my surprise, I just learned from my son that he believes that I won't let him call his mother for crying. This is definitely not the case, and I don't want it to perceived as such.

Any advice on how to address the issue will be appreciated.   I'm considering sending a list of rules to the mother concerning this issue, and *hoping* she will accept.  Any suggestions of possible rules will also be appreciated.

Thanks...
 
 

[Kitty C.]

Yeah, tell her a 'professional' would be the best judge of this issue and you will wait until he is evaluated by one.  Tell her that the sooner she agrees to counseling, the sooner she will get an answer.  Until then, she can go piss up a rope!

DS is ADHD and would do something of the same when he wasn't being treated.  I knew better than to give into ANYTHING he was screaming about.  Because EVERY time, he would come back to me after calming down and say 'Mommy, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry!'

If she still pitches a fit about it, tell her that you will also be calling and ranting on her when you're in a fit of rage, because she seems to think that she MUST hear it WHILE it's happening.

Until you get an order for counseling and a subsequent evaluation and recommendation, do NOT allow him to call her while he's ranting.  All it will do is drag everyone down, especially your son, even further.  There is MUCH more harm to him calling at that time than good.  And the ONLY reason she could have to wanting this would be to use the info against you in court, plain and simple.

[tulip]

Tell him that he can't talk to anyone on the phone when he is behaving like that. Your not trying to keep him from mom.

You might want to have scheduled phone calls with mom. That way, he will talk to her once a day, at a certain time, and then when he wants to call her later, say you already talked to her today, or it's not time to call her yet. If he happens to be throwing a fit at the time he is supposed to be talking to mom, have an alternative time for the phone call.

[Kitty C.]

I agree with that too, tulip.  We had the problem of SS asking to call his mom with TWO hours of coming to us when he was little (3-4).  We had to put our foot down and told him he could not call until Sat. evening (about halfway thru the weekend).  It took a little bit, but he got used to it and it wasn't long before he wasn't asking to call her at all!  Now if he calls her, it's to ask her to stay longer, LOL!

The problem with the calls is that she'd start in with 'Mommy misses you SOOO much' and it would get him crying.  It even happened in person once....we went to a local restaurant for supper and PBFH was there.  SS got clingy with her, then refused to let go.  And PBFH didn't help by insisting he come with us.  So DH gave in and let SS spend the night with PBFH and went back to get him in the morning.  I was smoked about that one!

Sorry..........it turned into a rant..............;-)

[nosonew]

I disagree with daily phone calls...if the parent and/or child has separation anxiety...constant frequent contact is NOT what the doctor ordered!  Making sure that on Wed night and Sat night he can call mom or she can call him is sufficient...and they won't fret daily about speaking to the other parent.  Especially if there are anxiety issues and PAS going on.  By the way...if a parent is PAS'ing a young child, the stress can cause symptoms of ADD, ADHD, and ODD.  

Counseling with a WELL KNOWN and WELL RESPECTED child psychiatrist is in order here!

Good luck!

[Ref]

I posted on the 2nd family page, but basically, BM is calling, emailing and IMing SD everyday. SD was having a great time but after a week of "mommy misses you" and "(pets name) is sick and misses you too" and "your friends are having a great time doing...", she is starting to get EXTEMELY home sick.

Why is BM doing this so much this year? Because 1 DH just kicked her a** in mediation and exposed her for the insane person she is and 2 SD has been having a great time this year. Oh yeah, 3 she has no job, no school this summer and nothing else in her life but time and the desire to control every aspect of SD. (can we say spousify?)

[nosonew]

BTDT, plus have a friend I met on Sparc going thru the same problems with ss regarding separation anxiety.  Their counselor told bm to limit phone calls, NOT SEND a cell phone, and more or less encouraged her to be happy he is having fun with dad.   AND you need to realize most of the problem is acutally bm's separation anxiety from the child.  

Until and if you go to court, send a cert. return receipt letter to her stating your schedule for calls (remember, when child goes back, she is going to severely limit your calls if she isn't already!)  Tell her she can call at 7pm (or whatever) Wed night and such and such Saturdays.  Otherwise, make sure you have caller id and just don't answer if she calls.  If you are worried child will answer the phone, have your calls forwarded to your cell or another number.  Its a pain, but worth it in the long run.

If you look up separation anxiety on google, you should find some very interesting info...I think I actually searched sep. anxiety divorce or something.  Lots of info on it.

[hagatha]

You really have more than one problem here.

First you have a child that is attempting to play both sides against the middle. (Trust me on this) He is telling you exactly what he wants you to get those guilt feeling going.  
Think . . . he said:

"he believes that I won't let him call his mother for crying"

How did you feel when he told you this. Agast, bewildered, heartbroken, GUILTY!!!
I can hear that little voice in you head . . . "Oh my God, he really thinks this. . .   "How could I do that to him!!! . . .  How can I make it better!!!"

You, my friend are being PLAYED, and soon it will be so subtle you won't even see him pull the string.

You need to Stop This Now!!!

Are you a bad parent. Are you causing him Intentional harm by disciplining him??  Do Not let him manipulate you or it will never stop.


2nd problem is Mom. He is going to her crying that you are "mean" to him. He wanted to call her and You said no. (here he is manipulating her since he is telling her want she wants to hear) She is adding to his ability to manipulate by insinuating She needs to be able to "rescue" him from his big bad dad. (have you read up on PAS yet???)

My best suggestion is to Ignore her and continue disciplining him as you see fit.

If you start changing what you do and how you do it, they will continue to make the rules in Your home and you will have lost any hope of control

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[Kitty C.]

I agree totally, now that I'm looking at it this way.  SS likes to play his parents against each other too, tho his isn't as blatant.  He plays everyone off of everyone, as long as he can get away with it.  And only when he's caught red-handed will he finally back down, because he will stand there and bald face lie to us if he thinks he can get away with it.

The most unfortunate thing I've seen happen to kids being pulled between parents is that many turn into manipulators.  Part is because of self-preservation, part in trying to get either parent to 'prove' that they love the child.  The child's foundation has been so shaken that they will go to extremes for the reassurance that they are loved.  It's like that attention thing.  They don't care how they get it, good or bad, as long as they get it.  And being children, they also have no clue as to what the long term consequences are, either.