What's next?

[goingon2long]

Ok, I'm new to this and I am the SM, my husband has an 11 year old son that he has not seen in 7 years.  The BM and my husband were never married, no visitation was every established and BM only filed for child support 3 years ago and since that time we have been trying to get visitation.  The first motion we filed for visitation 2002, was postponed 4 months by the BM.  At the hearing BM advised that child tried to kill him self while in school(had medical records) because father is not in his life. Court ordered, child to continue couseling, with recomdation from counsler BF can have visitation.  BM never did this.  Went back to court again Nov '03 again judge ordered family couseling, Bm never did this again.  We just filed another motion for paretning time.  Just got BM's response she again submitted the medical records from the incident 2 1/2 years ago.  How long will we have to go back and forth before the judge will realize that she is doing anything and everything to keep him out of our lives.  We have a 5 year old that has never met her brother.... Any ideas????

[kitten]

Why didn't he see his son before she filed for support?

[goingon2long]

She wouldn't allow him to see the child.  The reason they stopped talking was because he had questioned paternity and she was furious and they never spoke again.  He maybe thought that he was not the father.  And also he didn't want to go to court to file for visitation because at the time he could not afford child support, and he thought that if he had visitation he would have to pay child support.  But now he knows that, that's not the case.  So he has been paying for the pas 3 years and now trying to get parenting time but she still wants him to have nothing to do with the child..  

[rm1759]

Is your CS court ordered?  Is he paying through the local CS enforcement agency?  

He needs to keep fighting for time.  I had a similar situation, I was not aware I had a daughter until she was 3 1/2 yo.  Mom went for CS, I went for parenting time.  I only got the eow schedule, and would like more, but I had to fight tooth and nail to get it.   But you MUST get a schedule ordered through the court as soon as you can.  If you settle do not put any verbiage in the agreement that is ambiguous, ie "child will have every other weekend with father as soon as child is comfortable with it and agrees".  This kind of thing opens the door to putting the child in the middle.  Do you have an attorney?  If not, get one...

Here's some advice I wish I would've had before I went through it:

Be prepared for the PAS, it may take some time for child to adjust to dad, but fight to make a schedule with as much time with him as possible, and then KEEP to the schedule.  Even if the child is vehemently protesting, stick to the schedule.  

Get into counseling with everyone involved, go to ALL of the sessions, even if dad is not going to speak with the counselor.  When he does speak with the counselor do NOT bad-mouth mom, or make her look bad.  Concentrate on the child, and helping to him adjust, you may point out activities mom does which seem to inhibit the adjustment (PAS, etc).  

[goingon2long]

Yes the CS is ordered through the court and handeled with the probation department.  We actually just hired an attorney and he filed a motion for us.  We go to court on Oct 15th.  And we asked for EOW and a holiday schudule.  But we also asked, if the court orders counseling before a normalized parenting time can take place, they the father be allowed to have supervised paretning time.  But the BM filed her response and asked the court to dismiss the entire motion for no paretning time what so ever.  But we also asked for a credit for our child and another child my boyfriend has.  Neither child was taken into consideration when the CS was calcualted and we also asked for her to be ordered to pay counsel fees.  But I just want to know if the court will see through her or keep letting her get away with this.  It's so frustrating.

[patton]

You have an attorney now and that is the best thing you could have done.  You didn't say what state you are in either, not that it should make a lot of difference, but some are tougher on fathers than others.

Since you've filled it's up to her and her attorney to PROVE why you should not have any visitation.  What could they possibly have against you, expect them to SAY most anything, but proving it would be a different story.

Do you have an domestic violence  issues, anger issues, medical issues, CPS charges, drug abuse, etc. etc.  Anything??? she could accuse you of and make it stand.

Good luck with your hearing.

[rm1759]

I agree with Patton, be very careful about false allegations.  It sounds like she is determined for you not to have parenting time (kind of odd, if you really think about it, I thought she was blaming her sons problems b/c dad was not involved, and now she doesn't want him involved?).  

Anyways, you will definitely get some visitation, there may have to be a period of time where dad is introduced, and the visits will have to be supervised, but keep these as few as possible.  

Has dad been trying to see his son?  What documentation do you have of these attempts?  There are several resources on this site, one is an "intent to exercise visitation" I don't think you need that exact letter, but something similar might be good, send it to mom certified mail, asking her to let Dad spend time with the son.  The idea is that you need to PROVE to the judge that you are trying to be a good Dad, and that Mom is not permitting it.  Just like it is your responsibility to pay child support, it is also your responsibility to be a father, look at it from that perspective, and do whatever you can (legally, and politely) to see to it that you are meeting ALL of your obligations...

Always treat the situation like Business and don't let it get personal...

[goingon2long]

We are in NJ.  And the only thing she has is a domestic violence issue that happened 11 years ago, they got in an argument and a neighbor called police and she then got a restraining order, but they still continued to live together after that.  But that woulb be it.  They have not spoken outside of court hearings in over 7 years.  And the only other proof of anything is that the child tried to commit suicide over 2 years ago.  But the medical records say that the chils did this because he was sad he didn't gt to see his dad.  She used these same records 2 years ago when we first petioned the court for visitation and now she sent them in her response last week.  The lawyer said that they are over 2 years old and if she doesn't have anything recent then the court won't look at it.  But I don't know, she always cries and trues to make everyone feel sorry for her.

[goingon2long]

That's what I'm not understanding.  It clearing says in the medical dosuments that the child did this because he is feeling said that he does not get to see father.  
My BF hasen't tried to get visitation because she would never allow it without a court order and we never had that.  But we have the proof that we filed a motion 2 years ago for visitation and we had to wait for her to take the child to couseling and she has refused to do so.  Can't they find her in contempt of court?  What would happen then?  She has violated to court orders back to back.  Would we have to file contempt charges or does the court do that?    

[goingon2long]

And what a dissapointment.  First off she was an hour and half late.  Second she said everything and anything to make my husband look horrible by telling all lies.  But the judge only asked her why didn't she take the child to couseling, and she said because her insurance won't cover it and she did not have the $80 a session to pay for it and she knew that my husband was unemployed at the time and would not pay for it either.  So the judge just said well you have 14 days to make an appointment and the child must attend 3 sessions and my husband must pay the $240 for the 3 sessions.  And the child credit for his other children ddi not happen, the judge left the payments the same.  I just don't understand how the PBFH can ignore 2 court orders and then come in there and judge not even care???  This system sucks.  My husband still can't have any contact with the child.  What is going on?