Chapter 1: Visitation Conflict

[ScottFromPortland]

Okay, a bit of background.

I'm divorced and re-married.  My older two sons (aged 11 and 10) live with my ex-wife, about 1.5 hours away.  My wife and I have 3 sons (aged 2, 4 and 5).

A few times each year my ex-wife cancels visitation with my older boys due to a last minute event that she forgot about.  A Boy Scout outing, or a family trip, or other plans that she made without paying attention to the visitation schedule.  It's happened a lot less frequently as the years have gone by.

Last summer it kicked up again due to Football.  My oldest, Jed (11), joined the football team, which means that he had games every Saturday for about 10 weeks.  My ex-wife (Celia) said that she supported him in this and I was welcome to pick him up after the games, but he wouldn't be available on Fridays during that time.  There was some conflict, and I decided to file an Order to Show Cause for denial of vistitation.  I filled out the form, but it cost $150 to file it, and we never saved that much money.  Over the winter, the visitation was mostly fine, with us being willing to sacrifice a few weekends here and there for the boys' various events.

Okay, now for the vent.

On Wednesday night at 9:00 Celia called and told me that Jed's baseball season was starting, and he would be unavailable for the next 6 Friday nights.  She said that I was welcome to pick him up after his games on Saturday, and offered to let me have the boys every weekend to make up for the lost time.

I explained that Saturdays are the only time when I can do things with my family.  I have about an hour after I get home during the week to see my 3 youngest boys before they go to sleep.  Well, I don't even have that on Tuesdays (marriage-counselling sessions) and Thursdays (online classes).  Sunday has Church in the middle of it, and we don't usually plan fun events on the Sabbath when we can help it.  So, Saturday is our family day.

The drive down to pick up the older boys takes about 1.5 hours if the traffic isn't too bad.  Then, another 1.5 hours to get back, so if there's no time spent waiting for them to be ready to leave, it's about a 3 hour round trip in the middle of the Saturday.  (Normal visitation states that I pick them up on Friday nights, which works great.)

And, my mechanic advised me that my $100 car is going to freeze up pretty soon, and it would cost more to replace the engine than it would for another used car.  So, we have to take the minivan to pick up the boys, which increases the gas cost substantially.  Right now, we can barely afford diapers.  (We're expecting some money back from taxes, though.)

I asked if my ex-wife was willing to bring Jed up after his games, and I'd sacrifice half of my weekend with him so that he could play sports.  She was very offended, and informed me that it was my responsibility to pick him up for visitation.  I told her that I simply can't afford to pick them up every weekend, especially since that means "No Family Day" for the next 6 weeks (and another 10 weeks in fall when football starts).  She said that I needed to be available for my son.  I said that I can't sacrifice the other 4 sons' time with their father so that Jed could play 2 sports.

She feels like I'm trying to stop him from playing sports, and I've heard her advise him to stand up to me if I try to do that.  His step-father has also encouraged this.  This has been very hurtful to me, as well as resulting in a lot of anger and bitterness, which I've worked hard to get through.  I'm quite pleased at my progress, though this issue brought the negative feelings back pretty forcefully, and I'm still working through them.

I said that I was planning to file an Order to Show Cause for denial of visitation, and she got very upset and seemed to feel bullied.  (Which I understand completely.)

So, the phone call ended pretty coldly, though not with any yelling or profanity.

I wrote Jed an email, which I think I might as well get some feedback on.  I'll copy it as my next post, and then continue on.

[ScottFromPortland]

Hey, Jed.  How you doing?

I wanted to talk to you after I talked to your mom last night, but it was late and I was still pretty upset.  I'm hoping that I can get ahold of you today in between my classes.  In case I can't, I wanted to send an email.

I just want to make sure you know that I love you and I'm not upset at you.  I'm disappointed that you choose sports over your family, but I also understand that your mom encourages you to do this and she feels like it's me who is choosing to prioritize something else.

I know that I've talked about it before, but I'd like to go over it again.  I can't drive to Monmouth every weekend, and I also can't make an extra trip on Satudays.  Here is why:

The gas money is part of it, but more than that, it takes 1.5 hours down and 1.5 hours back, plus the length of the game.  That leaves me just a few hours on Saturday to do things with my family, and I can't give that up.  I can't pay that price.  The only time for our family to do things together is on Saturdays.  I'm a dad to 5 sons, and I can't neglect 4 of them so that 1 of them can choose sports.  :(  I'm sorry, and I hope that you understand.  It isn't that I won't, it's that I can't.  I have to be a father to all of my kids, not just one of them.

In addition, my mechanic told me a few weeks ago that if I drive the car for more than 30 minutes, the engine is going to freeze up.  That means that the only thing to do is pay a tow-truck to haul the car to the junkyard.  He advised me to drive it to the junkyard immediately and get $50 for it, instead of driving it until the engine freezes and then paying a tow truck.  But I need it to go to work, so I'm still driving it until the engine dies.

So, I have to either risk destroying my car, or drive the van.  Driving the van means that Heather has no way to do the things she needs to do, and also that gas for the trip down and back jumps from $9 to $15.  There's no way for us to afford even one extra trip for $15 every other weekend.  An extra trip every weekend is also a lot more than we can afford.  I still can't afford to pay Alex back the $25 he loaned me a month ago.

Those are the reasons that I can't drive down to Monmouth and back 3 times instead of 2 times.  Time away from family and gas money.  If your games were 15 minutes away, it wouldn't be a problem at all.  When they're an hour and a half away, it's not something that will work.

I also want you to know that I'm not filing a court order against you, or anything.  :)  The Order to Show Cause is a request for the court to intervene and enforce my visitation rights.  If the courts feel that your mom is interfering with visitation, they will intervene to enforce visitation.  The courts and the Church agree that parenting time is more important than sports, if only one can exist.  Right now, in our situation, only one can exist.  If you absolutely refuse to come to Portland any more, the court will probably not enforce that, and I wouldn't force you to, anyway.  You're old enough to choose for yourself what your priorities are, and I respect that.  If you truly want to choose sports instead of time with your Portland family, that is your choice to make, and I'll still be glad to see you when I'm picking Alex up and dropping him off, as well as whenever I can get down there in addition.

It's really hard to have divorced parents, and this is one of the times it's going to be hardest for you.  It's been hard for me for 6 years, so I'm kind of lucky because I'm used to it.  For you, this is the first time it's strongly affected you.  With divorced parents who live 1.5 hours away, some sacrifices have to be made.  In the past, it's been up to me to make those sacrifices.  I'm hoping that your mom is willing to make some sacrifices as well, but when I asked her about it last night she said she would not bring you up after your games.  I will talk to her about it again when we're both less upset.

It she doesn't want to make any sacrifices, that's certainly her choice, and that will leave you and I to make the sacrifices.  I can't keep making all of them now that the little boys are older, and now that the cost of the trips to Monmouth are so expensive.  So, some of the sacrifices will have to come from you, as well.  It's really hard, and I wish it wasn't this way.

I love you and I'm excited to see you on Friday when I'm picking Alex up.  If you choose your baseball game instead of coming to Portland, I do hope that you enjoy the game and that you do well.  I'm excited for you to play sports, even though it hurts me that it takes you away from your time with me.  I don't want to keep you from sports, or any other events.  But when weekends are a choice between seeing me and the little boys, and doing something else, there isn't a way to do both, and you will have to make that choice.  No matter what you choose, though, I love you with all my heart and I know that you love me.

Love,
Dad

[ScottFromPortland]

Fast forward to... Friday night.  First, some background.

Heather and I decided to take the little 3 boys down so that they could see Jed.  It's been 3 weeks since they saw him, and we're not sure when they'll see him again.  Plus, I had to take the van anyway to avoid risking the car freezing up.  Which means I have no way to work unless I take the van, leaving Heather without a way to get kids to and from school.

So we showed up and the oldest two of the little boys (4 and 5) had to go potty very badly, and we all went inside.  Jed was at a baseball practice.  Celia seemed pretty cold, so I was hoping to get Alex (age 10) and get back on the road quickly, stop by to give Jed a quick hug & kiss, and get back home.

Celia's 7-year-old and 2-year-old were watching a PG-13 movie (Batman Returns) and there was a pretty scary part of the show on.  Our boys don't watch anything much more scary than "Robin Hood" (animated version) and they were wide-eyed.  We hurried them past the TV.  But they kept returning, so Heather asked Celia's 7-year-old if she could pause the movie.

And now we're ready for the drama.  ;)

Celia was upset at this, and asked me, "Why did she do *that*?"  I answered, "Because it's not a G-rated movie."  Celia asked, "So?"  I said, "Our boys are too young to watch that movie."  Celia snorted and rolled her eyes.  (She encourages the older boys to watch R-rated movies if she thinks they're okay, and they can watch lower-rated movies as they please, in her house.)  She was very offended, and said, "Don't bring your little kids here any more."

I soon discovered that her husband (Michael) was really angry at Heather pausing the movie.  I didn't know it at the time.  He seemed upset, but I mistakenly thought that he was trying to fix something in the kitchen and was cursing under his breath about that.  Heather took two of our three boys out to the van (the 4-year-old was still going potty) and I waited for the 4-year-old.  He left the bathroom and started playing with some toy while I tried to disengage him and walk him out to the van.  Michael finally stopped cussing under his breath and let loose a stream of profanity that suprised me, mostly because the 2-year-old and 7-year-old were right there, as well as my 4-year-old.  I asked him, "Please don't swear like that in front of my 4-year-old."

He stood up, stepped toward me, and spat out, "Then get out of the house."  (with several words interjected that I won't make a moderator edit out. ;)  I was stunned, because I didn't realize he was ready to explode with anger because we'd asked to pause the movie until we got our kids out of the house.

I was also really anxious because he was ready to swing at me.  I hate conflict a great deal, but the big fear was that he would hurt my 4-year-old, or grab my 4-year-old and try to yank him out the door or something... at which point my "protect my kids" hypersensitivity would undoubtedly kick in and blood would be spilled from one of us.  That would be an utterly horrible situation anywhere, but in his home, it boded even more terribly for me.

I said, "I think I'll do that."  I took Jeremy and walked out, and we waited outside until my 10-year-old finished getting his stuff and joined us.  I don't think that he heard any of it, nor do I think that my 3 little ones heard any of it.  I'm very grateful for that.

I've not had a non-spouse swear at me in anger for 8 or 9 years.  It brought out a lot of passive-aggressive anger... "I should have ignored him in an effort to get him to swing at me, so that I could have him arrested."  Stuff like that.  Plus, it was a helpless feeling to be verbally attacked with profanity for asking him not to swear around my child, and to know that I needed to obey his command and leave his home.  That hurt my pride a lot, and I've been working through that hurt ever since.  I'm doing very well with it, especially compared to my usual methods of handling pride, resentment, anger, and helplessness.

So, I wanted to vent and get feedback.  I could mostly use ideas about the future.  Here's what I've got so far:

I feel very unwelcome in that house, and I do not feel comfortable ever going inside again.  I don't know that I'll ever be invited to go in again, but if I am, I will politely decline.

I'll fill out the Order to Show Cause for refusal of visitation, and file it with a request for the court to enforce my visitation schedule.  I will offer to the court that Jed can go to his baseball games if Celia is willing to drive him up afterwards, and she agrees to that in writing.  (That way, if she wants to ignore it, I can file another Order and the court will take action.)  I'll also offer the same arrangement for football, with the additional agreement that I'll pick him up every other time after his games, so that I am able to support his sports involvement as well.

Hopefully we can mail the Order to the court.  If not, I'll go down early and file it next weekend (it's our week again next weekend) when I go down to pick up the 10-year-old for visitation.

And that's about all I've got right now.

We stopped by and saw Jed for a few seconds at his baseball practice.  He hugged each brother, and hugged & kissed Jo and I, and hurried back to his practice.  And, we came home.  I prayed on the way home, and felt a lot better immediately.

I've posted mostly as a vent, but also because I'd like to get some ideas and feedback from people who have experience with this sort of stuff.  I've been wanting to file an Order to Show Cause for years, but it's around $150 which is beyond my family's means.  But this week I get my tax return, so now is the time to file it.

I do not want to make any trouble for my ex-wife or her family.  That will just bleed down to my kids.  My goal is to do what's best for my boys, and I believe that visitation is better than baseball.  I am seeking the least forceful way to achieve that.  I don't want to make my ex-wife do anything.  But I do feel that I need to establish visitation.

Advice is appreciated.  Thank you,

Scott

[Everyside]

Please do NOT send that email.  It will put the weight of your divorce/custody issues squarely on the shoulders of your son.   He is a child and does not deserve to be put in the position of "choosing" between being a kid and seeing his dad.

I completely understand your frustration with not seeing him.  My husband's ex signs their daughter up for everything and accepts all invitations to partys/sleep overs/etc. without a care to my husband's time.  He gets every other weekend and it used to be a 7 hour round trip on Friday and Sunday.  No fun.  And then to have her mother say "Well she has a sleep over on Saturday that she really wants to go to so you'll have to tell her she can't" or "It's not my fault that she has dance (or softball or girlscouts or cheerleading or.....).  If you really loved her you wouldn't make her miss out on anything.  You are being a selfish bastard"  ect, ect, ect.

The way we got through it was we decided to give her as much of a "normal" life as possible.  We make sure to let her do as much as we can.  Yes, Hubby misses out on some time and has to put in extra driving time and miss some activities with the other three kids in our family, but his daughter has never said "Why do I have to go?" or "I wish you would have let me......." or "I can't believe you made me choose between my friends (or sports or whatever) and you."  

Hubby calls, sends letters, emails, sends treats to her teacher to give out to her class, all kinds of things like that to stay involved.  And, some times she does have to miss things.  But, that's normal life.  And she doesn't resent us for "taking her away from her real life" as her mother often used to threaten would happen.

Hubby also found a camping site close to where his daughter lives and once or twice a year, we stay there as an adventure and get to go to her activities.  And sometimes we just suck it up and drive the round trip to show her (and her mother) that we are not giving up his right to be involved in his daughter's life.

You will cause your son to resent you if you send this email.  Read it again and see how many times you are forcing him to chose.  Between you and activities and you and his mother.  Extremely unfair to him.  He didn't split his family, his parents did, so he shouldn't be required to chose between his families.  And,remember, even in intact families, children grow to an age where they will chose friends and a social life over parents any day.  Don't force that to happen at this early stage.

It is hard, and it sucks, and it is totally unfair.  However, that is the burden the adults should carry, not the child.

I hope this hasn't been too harsh.  I don't mean it to be.  We just feel very strongly that the children should be kept out of the middle.

Also, my hubby does all this driving in a 1980 Crown Victoria that has no air conditioning, 250+ thousand miles, no radio and an electrical short somewhere that causes the car to die on lonely stretches of road in the middle of the night.  I understand car troubles but don't let that stop you.

Good luck.  Our thoughts are with you.

[Everyside]

Rather than a show cause, can you mediate a change in the visitation?  Something to the effect of:

"because child in involved in football in the Fall and baseball in the Spring, father may miss some of his scheduled parenting time.  To allow son to be involved in extra curricular activities and still allow for consistant and continuing contact with his father the following amendments to the current paretning plan:

1:  Mother shall give father sports schedule, contact numbers for league and coaches prior to first practice;

2:  Father is welcome to be involved in all practices, games, activities pertaining to son's activities;

3:  Family functions take precidence over extracurricular activities.  Family functions as defined as weddings, funerals, reunions (add what you think is important here, remembering that she will be able to add here as well)

4:  Both parents will make every effort to have child at sport events, keeping in mind that there may be circumstances which require son to miss sport event.  Absences will be communicated to coaches and other parent prior to absence.

5:  Due to the scheduled parenting time father must give up to allow for son's participation in sports, Father will get additional time during sports seasons to consist of any extra day off school and father shall have the ability to trade his weekend for the weekend imediately proceeding or following said weekend that does not have sports activities in it.

6:  Mother shall pick up child at the end of Father's parenting time so as to give father more quality parenting time at his home rather than using all his parenting time driving.


These are just ideas but it seems like a more positive approach than a show cause motion.  And, if you could get and agreement of some sort  it would save you money.


PS:  Yes, the Stepdad is a jerk but you can't change that.  I wouldn't be taking my kid's into their house no matter how bad they have to pee.  Stay out of his home and he'll stay out of your face. (hopefully)

[4honor]

Yes, you are only a child once (Thank God!) but ask Kitty about her son and sports.

Kitty's son lost his father to cancer. He never played sports and missed out on alot of things because of the distance and keeping a relationship with his father first and foremost.  Kitty asked her son if he would have traded any of the time with his father for the things he missed. The answer was a resounding NO!

BE the parent here and demand that your son choose ONE sport (if any) to be  part of and concentrate on that. Then make sacrifices ONLY for that sport and tell your ex that she is the parent and if SHE signs him up for anything else which interferes with your parenting time that you will file an Order to Show Cause for Contempt... EVERY TIME. Then do it.

You should never tell your child you are suing his mother in court. She should never tell your children that you both are going to court for any reason. IF they find out it is because she is telling them and that should get some stern words from the Judge.

Besides, once she is found in contempt, she will have to pay your costs.
 
BTW, DH let things go for too long and now SS is 14... and a pedophile - his first victims are our little ones.

You must step up and demand that your child get what he needs to become the man he is supposed to be, one-on-one "training" with his father. You are not put on this earth to be your child's friend. You are here to be his parent, a Thankless, difficult, self-sacrificing position filled with painful decisions and alot of slammed doors (if you do it right).

PS. We never enter PBFH's home. She likes to file false charges and we didn't want to give her any gasoline for that fire. We stop at the nearest rest stop just prior to her home and everyone goes whether they need to or not.

[justwantstobeadad]

well if your children have events why cant you take them just as she does when with her. It should not make a diffrence who the child(ren) are with when they have events. Tell her you will take to and from events and that you will need a events calender of at least 2 weeks in advace more if poss.  I would also say if it something she says she needs to take them to ok then I would like a time to make up my visitation. this will only get worse as she tries to turn the children against you and make you look like the bad parent. nip it in the bud now!
make sure you keep recors of all calls and visits and events. good luck

[OchoaNow]

Read your divorce decree very carefully.  My Dh and I live in Texas and in the original decree, there is a paragraph stating, 'Regardless of distance, the mother is to surrender the children to the father at the beginning of his visitation at her residence and the father is to surrender the children at the end of his visitation at his residence.'  

There might be something in your decree like that.

Don't give up.  God bless y'all!   ;)

[IceMountain]

I agree with the last poster.  Why don't you just take your son to the sporting event on the Friday night and then head back to your home after the game?  If you are already there to pick up the other child, it should not be a problem... actually would appear to solve several problems.

I am a NCP, but would never ask my ex to change the movie on TV because it offended people I brought into the home.  To me, that's crossing the line.  Next time, leave the family in the car and stop at a gas station to use the bathroom.  And, if you absolutely have to have one of the other children use the bathroom, only take him in.