Here we go again..history repeats itself!

[prince13]

DH spoke to his children tonight (dd 14, ds 12, ds 7) and was asking about camps etc they wanted to attend this summer. The 12 year old asked for less time with Dad (he currently gets 10 weeks with the boys and 5 with daughter) as that is what his sister got 2 years ago after court. DH said, 1) you are not your sisiter, 2) the Judge made that decision and I didn't agree with it, and 3) I am the parent I get to make the decisions and I want more time with you.

The killer is son's next comment to Dad was F you and some other expletives and he hung up on DH. Then DH tried to call back an no answer. The kicker is that the entire family was in the car, Mom and step-Dad included. They allowed him to be this disprespectful to his Dad.

I knew the summer time was going to be another battle like 2 years ago with DD, so here we go again. Although, last time, PBFH was the one that intiated the court date to reduce DD's summer time with Dad, and now PBFH doesn't have the money to try to do the same for her DS. We know this from some info we learned about earlier this year.

How we ever get through some of this crap is BEYOND me! I will say that DH and I have mush have made some progess though, as we are laughing about it this time around knowing it was coming. Two years ago we would have been crying and not eating.

[prince13]

Dh was with his children this weekend and learned that the child who told him to F off was not disciplined for this by his Mother. Big surprise, NOT! If the situation were reveresed we would have made the child call Mom back and apolgozie regardless of what we think of Mom. You just don't treat anyone that way, especially a parent.

DH said to him, your Mom punishes you for saying frickin' (which we heard about from him before), but not when you say F off to your Father it is acceptable, and the child' reply was "yeah, basically". I swear those kids are incentivized somehow to be rude to their Father. We also learned from older sissy who witnessed this and said to her brother "you are in so much trouble, I've never even said that to Dad". Her MOm in turn said, "You need to support your brother like we do". WTF? Support him and encourage him to not want to spend time with Dad.

So, any suggesstions as to how to discipline this one knowing that if Mommy dearest weren't involved the kids most likely never would have said that to his Dad. DH is contemplating taking away a bb thing he wanted to attend early this summer which BTW is in Mom's hometown and during DH's parenting time. DH was going to try to accomodate him, but he thinks not, now.

I am looking for suggestions?
Thanks!

[CustodyIQ]

Get a book called Breakthrough Parenting by Dr. Jayne Major.

It discusses very good communication skills.  It's going to be up to dad to transform into superDad if he wants to have an impact on his relationship with the kids.

He's up against powerful negative forces over which he has little control.

His only option is to take the relationship to a place of respect that insulates the kids as much as possible from the negative poison that mom dribbles into their heads.

Really tough spot you're in.

Dad has to figure out how to have some authority via the phone... and that could mean laying down the ground rules while the kids are in his home.... i.e., the consequence of bad mouthing in person or via phone.

That way, if boy mouths off over phone, he knows that there will be some consequence when next with dad.

Likewise, if you go a week without volatile phone calls, Dad may want to take him out (one on one) for ice cream, video games, whatever-- and make sure to comment during that special time, "I really enjoyed our phone calls this week."

BTW, any reason given for wanting less time with Dad over the summer?

[prince13]

Thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out next time I am at the library which is a regular occurence for me!

You are right, the Mom is a big negative force, but the positive in this is that his daughter who is now 14 is beginning to see her Mom for what she is...a manipulative liar. And daughter is starting to call Mom on it.

Interestingly enough, this behavior was completely out of character for his son. When they are in are home they NEVER behave that way, as they no there are consequences and everyone in the family deserves respect. Frankly, I think that the Mother should be the one to be punished or disciplined for her lack of doing anything about the child talking to his father that way. The boy knew he was in trouble, as when DH picked the kids up on Sat he didn't say too much to Dad for the first few hours. I think he was waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. DH did talk to him about it, but is just aggravated that Mom allows this to go on, when if the situation were reversed it would have been taken care of on our end despite the fact that we don't like their Mother. She is still their Mother and they need to respect her.

Sorry for the ramble...you also asked about the reasons for spending less time with Dad and it is basically because when his sister was 12 (2 years ago) her summer visitation time with Dad was reduced to 4 weeks. Of course this had nothing to do with DH wanting/allowing it; it was a ding dong Judge's bonehead decision. This was based on false accusations at the time. Now the boy thinks he should get the same as his sister did. He is also claiming it isn't fair as he wants to be with his friends during the summer. We are 4 hours away. Well, the fact of the matter is he has 3 friends here who he hangs out with while here, and he goes back to his Mom's EOW during the summer so that he can still see his buddies. He wants to do some camps there as well, but we have signed him up for simialr things here, ie bb camp, baseball and some other things.

IMHO it is just Mom's evil influence trying to take more time away from their Dad due to her own lack of self esteem. Frankly, she is so worried that those kids are going to love DH more than they love her and that is why she behaves as she does.

In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed that we don't have any further problems with the summer visitation schedule! I can dream, can't I?

Thanks for your ideas.

[justwantstobeadad]

Hello, hope this helps.
Please make sure you document all contact good or bad. Yea I know what a pain! I am speaking from expirience. The reason i am suggesting this is because she sounds like she is encouraging the childrens behavior. She is trying to get them interested in things knowing that it will take time from you. She probably says things like would you like to go to .........well I dont think your dad will let you or well you cant do that your know your dad it's up to him....she is probably also tempting them to stay around her by offering special events or even gifts...she is also probably talking bad about you infront of them.... she puts the children in the middle making them ask so they can see you as the "bad parent".....You need to document all and I mean ALL phone calls, visitations, given up visitations, also request by certified mail, something that shows the childrens events at least 2 weeks in advance. or month to month if you want doing this will allow for you to contact her with any problems with the schedual. I would bet she probably wont do this so in the least send a letter telling her that YOU and HER should be the one to discuss the schedual not the children and that she should respect my wishes not encourage the children to be angry. I would also tell her if she insist that they give up time for an event during you schedualed visitation that she offer you a diffrent time for your visit. These are just some suggestions to help you but you need to do the footwork (doccument, certified letters etc.it sounds like she will continue this and it will only get worse if you dont. I would also like to add that if she is a PAS (parental alienation syndrome) mother this will never go away but
you can try to put some control back in your hands. right now it sounds like she just wants you to give up and is counting on it, that is the ultimate goal of PAS .....please go read about PAS it will probably shock you how close this is to your case! you can find it through a search like //www.google.com....I have been in a battle with a PAS for 6 yars I know how hard it can be but dont give up on your children they are being used and put in te middle by her try to avoid this by telling your children I will discuss it with your mom .....and so on.....Lots of luck and best wishes let me know if how it is going.