Right to Visitation - Do I have it?

[askray]

I am a single Dad, non-custodial parent living in Mass.  My daughter is 3 months old and my ex-gf has custody, (by way of default).  There is no court order for visitation and we have not signed any agreement yet.  I have been paying a generous amount in child support but my ex has been less than accomodating when it comes to visitation.

For example, I cannot visit with my daughter unless it's over at my ex's house and under her constant supervision.  I'm not allowed to feed, change or clothe her.

Oftentimes when I come to visit at the previously agreed upon time, my ex isn't home and sometimes won't show up for hours.  Should I just deal with this?  Is there anything I can do to make sure she has my daughter home when I come to visit?

Occasionally when I visit with my daughter my ex will invite members of her extended family over the house, (at the same time I am visiting), and I end up watching everyone else visiting with her while I'm in a corner in the living room.  Would it be reasonable to insist that she not have so many people over the house when I visit?

I should mention that I live 1 and 1/2 hours away, (by car).

Does anyone know if I have a right to unsupervised visitation at my house?

I have asked my ex for this but she says no because:  1). My daughter is too young to be with her Dad alone, 2). She believes I am incapable of caring for her and 3). Because I haven't spent any time alone with her, she feels my daughter would be uncomfortable around me.  *Which I feel are invalid reasons but would love to hear some feedback.

Thank you.

[janM]

You will have to file in court for paternity, visitation, and probably establish child support. If you have been paying her, I hope you have written "Child Support" on the checks or it could be considered a gift.

Depending on your county, you may have to have frequent, short, and possibly supervised visits (not by your ex). Frequency is important with infants, to establish a bond. You may be able to find a parenting plan on this site.

Take a parenting class and infant CPR to show that you can care for a baby (we know you can).

Without any court orders, she is calling the shots.
Keep us posted.

[kittencaboodle]

You definately have the right...  If you can afford a lawyer, I would recommend getting one.   Check this out.  Page 8.  

http://www.mass.gov/courts/courtsandjudges/courts/probateandfamilycourt/afccsharedparenting.pdf

From the Mass. Shared Parenting guide --
Designing a Plan for Infants

Visits several times weekly with non-residential parents are usually recommended for this age. These visits should provide ample opportunity for such care-giving functions as feeding, playing, bathing, soothing and putting the infant to sleep, whether for a nap or for the night. This will help non-residential parents maintain or build familiarity between themselves and the infant.

If a non-residential parent has not been involved in caregiving previously, short visits of several hours every few days will help to develop a mutually secure relationship, allowing the parent to master the tasks and sensitivity required to care for an infant. As the caregiving skills are mastered and the parent-child bond strengthens, the plan may include longer days.

Non-residential parents of children this age who have been active, involved caregivers may begin overnights, preferably in familiar surroundings. Overnights are more likely to be successful when parents have shared parental tasks prior to separation and communicate effectively about their baby.

To develop a healthy attachment to both parents, an infant should not be away from either parent for more than a few days. Many infants demonstrate a caregiver preference. Extended separation from that primary caregiver should be avoided.

Communication between the parents about the baby is essential for good infant adjustment. A daily communication log should be maintained and exchanged between the parents noting eating, sleeping, diapering and any new developments.

[askray]

Thank you, that is a wealth of good information!

I absolutely agree with establishing a caregiving bond with my daughter and I would very much like to follow the advice you gave but what do I do if my ex won't let me follow your advice?

Please Note:  She won't allow me to see her every few days, (it's every other week), she won't allow me to feed or change her diapers, (she eats formula, not breastmilk), and she refuses to allow the baby to come to my house to help her make it a 'familiar place'.

It seems at this point, I have no other choice but to obtain an attorney and file for visitation but even then, it doesn't seem like there is any enforcement of visitation, only going back to court for a contempt charge...

Thanks again, that is an awesome document you provided in your link!

[flewwellin]

Take her butt to court!  This isn't a simple thing it's crucial that there is a bond between you and your daughter. No one has the right to tell you that you can't spend time with your daughter (that is except for a judge) but you havent done anything wrong!  Go get a visitation order in place and tell the ex to kiss your behind.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I agree that you have no choice but to obtain an attorney and file a paternity action.

If you have the availability, file for joint custody with a 50/50 schedule.  It is very unlikely that you'll get everything for which you ask, so seek orders that are MORE than what you think is best for your child, and you'll have some wiggle room.

Ideally, you'll be able to mediate it and settle out of court.  Consider doing a step-up plan (i.e., an infant does better with shorter, very frequent periods like 2 to 4 hours daily; whereas a 3 year old would be fine going a couple days in between full-day or longer periods).

You're correct that it'll be a bit tough to enforce orders via police or any other law enforcement agency.  All you can do is document the problems and return to court for relief.  By relief, not just contempt, but eventually a change of custody if the mother altogether refuses to nurture the paternal bond.

You're only on the first step of a pretty long process.

If you're a good parent who has no big skeletons in your closet, her concerns (e.g., no diapering, no feeding, no seeing your home) have no merit in court.

[ccmidaho]

My advice to you would be to take her to file for joint custody of your child as quickly as you can. The longer you go without doing so the harder it will be to get the visitation you want. My boyfriend was in your exact situation. He didn't know that he had rights to his son. We are finally taking the mother of his child to court after 16 months and we will win - I know it.  You have rights and you need to fight for them. If she could talk your daugher would expect nothing less from you.  Please just remember that you are capable of feeding, bathing, clothing and caring for your daugher just as much as her mother is.  Some things that you can do now to prepare:

1. Document every visit that you have and provide as much detail as possible about what goes on in this visits
2. Take a parenting class now (you can take them through local hospitals in your area)
3. File a motion for joint custody asap and then see if you can settle through mediation on a parenting plan with an explicit schedule of visitation that increases at well defined intervals (I agree with other posts that you should ask for 50/50 custody)
4. Read everything you can in the article archive on this site.
5. Get a good attorney!

Without a court order, there is nothing you can do about any of the crap that she is doing to you.

[gipsy]

It's probably not going to go any thing like any one say's , Not that these statement's are not accurate due to that persons experience, But every case unfolds differently ,
   No one can give you every detail, But you need to understand the basics , This is a process according to the state you are from ,
   My expierience In Washington State , Pierce county , Basics,
    You will need to establish paternity Via Genetic testing ,
  I had to do this with an atty , Through out ,the mother never cooperated , And I will just note the legal papers I had to have an atty file ,
   At like 3 mo's old
   1, Order to appoint Guardian ad Litem on behalf Of minor child
   2,Order to compell mother to go to genetic testing
      Hearing for findings and Guardians report finding me as the father and Parenting plan
   The first parenting plan visit's had to be ordered by the court and they were supervised ,
   The supervised visits were good in thaT  These people talk to the GAL , They all found Me to basically normal with a job house etc , And the mother to be uncooperative ,
    Filed for a parenting plan , And had to take the mother to court and then got every other weekend from 10:00 AM to 5:Pm Sat and sunday
   , And every thursday and tuesday for a parent child interactive parenting class ,
     Filed another parenting plan at 18 Mo's old for overnights Every other friday , And from 10:00 Am to 5:Pm every Sunday
 
  This was the basic process Untill I finally just took her to trial for custody , I had a good atty that said Just take her to trial , I would not be so likely to get custody But she will know I will try it again and she may not win , ,
   This is the basics and BY FAR not the whole case ,  The mother was a very troublesome individual . And when you take the legal route You can expect Her to do all kinds of crap and try to make you out to be a TERRIBLE person , Don't fall for this , Keep your cool , The reason is if you react to the BS , Then It becomes less clear who threw the first stone , This is very emotional , But if you take the legal route , You need to call MANY atty's and get one that  Tells you the basic process and what you are shooting for ,
 AND that is simple , You will Get a Parenting plan and a child support order , THATS IT !!! Thats the big prize at the end of the rainbow , And you will encounter many obstacles on the way , Make sure to tell your atty you don't want an atty that sends nasty letters , And inflames things , And ask if they know attys that just stay with the facts and don't charge an arm and a leg and who they know that does well for men , Those are all questions that a cool atty will answer , And Uncool atty won't really answer questions that would divert buiseness away from him ,  The thing is DON't Just go hire a atty because they say they do family law , You need to know that they REALLY WORK for men , Like ask "Do you think men have rights? . Can I see you in trial any time soon? , You should figure a good atty will say sure here's a trial coming up , "And if it doesn't settle You can see me in trial ". And for the most part ask the atty to explain the basics ,, And it should be what I said , You will get a Guardian ad Litem , And then a parenting Plan and a child support order , And it depends on how Mom reacts , As to how long it will take , And If they have taken many cases to trial . You don't want an atty that is shy about trial procedure ,
 Also ask If he has a track history of doing well for men , These are all simple questions and most of them should be answered simply ,
  Now think of this , I fired two atty's , and Hired a good atty that took My case for $3,000 The reason is . He said he would take me through the basic procees and to trial , And really he did very little and did as well as any one probably would , Because he Just appointed a Guardian ad Litem , And filed for change of custody and went to trial . He did not complicate the case , And looking back , My case is similar to Yours , There isn't much Just a parenting plan and a child support order , ! And like BUGS BUNNY say's" tttttthat's It Folks"
   Keep posting And I do advise you to try to file for mediation and a  temporary parenting plan before really hireng an atty , You can use an atty to file the papers , But maybe if you just Get Some of this in writeng before Getting an atty she won't freak out so much , Don't make it anm issue just tell her you know the law state that there is to be a parenting plan thattells where and when the child is to have visits , Also Once she signs a parenting plan , There is [WASHINTON ] A part that say's she can't move away with out notifying you .
  With what Happened to me I say go for a parenting plan and get it filed . If she messes up your visits file contempt the first time . And don;t let her slide ,
   My case was a big pain, but I kept her feet to the coals and She doesn't give me any trouble any more , but then I took her to court untill I know she was sick of it ,