What's your opinion of this....

[reellis527]

I am the cp of a four year old daughter that previously displayed signs of "sexual abuse", went to court and had 50/50 legal and physical custody order changed which granted me sole custody, both physically and legally. Child hasn't displayed any other problems. Recently had an extended holiday vacation with dad and came back saying how she has to sleep with dad and one of his girlfriends and can't tell the other girlfriend when the other one sleeps over. In court on December 6, 2005 he stated he had a bed for her, obviously a lie but I told the judge it was a lie when he said it.  She has began stuttering, biting her nail, acting nervous, and can't sleep. I scheduled her an appointment with a behavioral specialist and tried to file and emergency order to stop his visation but was told i would need written proof first.
Our custody order states he gets visitation every other weekend, this weekend is his weekend...

1) should I withhold our daughter from him because "something" isn't right (hold her until I get the assessment from the behavioral specialist and then go to get an emergency order)?

2) if the behavioral specialist states something is going on or it's unhealthy will the courts give supervised visitation or no visitation?

 
PS:  The previous signs she had before were masturbating, night terrors, stuttering, clingeness(spelling), mood swings....

[CustodyIQ]

I think you should consult with an attorney because you're between a rock and a hard place.

A) If you allow the visitation on the upcoming weekend, you're suggesting that you don't think this is an emergency.

B) If you refuse the visitation, you're acting in contempt of court orders.


I agree that you'll want an "expert" (e.g., the behavioral specialist) to testify via affadavit or witness testimony that there are indicators of inappropriate activity at dad's house, and perhaps try to get temporary orders to eliminate overnights until further assessment.

That said, I'll also offer my two cents in another direction...

My ex has accused me of nearly every bad parenting issue except for molestation.

She took our (then 3 year old) daughter to a Master's level LMFT therapist who didn't specialize in child psychology.  The therapist reported that the child told her awful things about me.

My ex also produced a recording of a conversation she had with our daughter wherein I heard her lead the child through telling her that I lock the child in a room for long periods of time.

Consider:

1) I've passed polygraph exams disputing the accusations.

2) The child has sought comfort from me because her mother and the therapist were only happy when she says bad things about me.

3) The therapist admitted that the child never said negative things about me when the mother wasn't present.


So... you may truly be dealing with a crappy father.  Such things certainly happen, unfortunately.

But also, be clear that children want to please their parents.  If your child is trying to please you in what she says, then her words are questionable.

Back to your original question... consult with an attorney on best approach due to the sensitivity of the situation.

[reellis527]

Excellent advise.  I wanted you to know that I have never ever asked my daughter any type of question for fear of being accused of "leading" her.  Literally from the time I pick her up and she sits in my car her mouth doesn't stop.  All I say is oh because I don't want to be accused of confusing her or anything else.  I mean one visit she even stated how no one loved her father and he said he is sad when she leaves and that I really don't love her so she should stay with him, all of this said just her talking, out of a four year olds mouth.  That is why I am taking her to a doctor because they know how to ask things without leading...

[4honor]

a child's PERCEPTION of seemingly innocent conversation can come back very skewed.

Inquisitive 4 yo child asks why Daddy isn't married (or married to you). Daddy says something about well, he would have to be in love with someone to marry them and nobody is in love with Daddy right now.

Daddy is telling child goodbye and she asks if he will miss her -- thinking he is reassuring her, he tells her he will miss her bunches and bunches cause nobody loves her like her Daddy.

Child was not having the same conversation that Daddy was having. She hears that nobody loves Daddy, Daddy is sad cause she is not there and nobody really loves me except Daddy. She thinks maybe I can make Daddy not so sad.

She is 4. She does not have the life experience to properly evaluate conversations. Don't automatically assume the worst based on the things she is "repeating." Kids her age can't hear the ABC's and repeat it properly the first time. Why would we expect that they can accurately recount a conversation they will never hear again?

You are doing the right thing by saying "Oh," when she prattles on. Don't over analyze things she says, though. You are re-thinking with an adult mind the things a 4 yo has "translated" into her perception of reality. If she is not overly distressed by the things she is telling you, let it go in one ear and out the other. She will let you know if something distresses her. She talks alot. If she is being exposed to something, she will spill it eventually.

Children can and do behave in individual ways to the stress of going to visitation and to returning. Is there some sort of abuse or improper "thing" occurring while at her father's house? I do not know. But it could be as innocent as a change in diet and stress from changing homes. Every child has a "come down" period between homes. NCP's find it takes several days for a child to acclimate to their home, and CP's find the same on the return.

I only suggest that if you are going to make an accusation of abuse you better be damn sure it occurred -- cause if you damage BF's reputation on a "maybe" there is no coming back from that. It only hurts your child in the long run. What little girl wants to grow up with a father who has a molester's reputation? You can't un-ring that bell.  Don't get me wrong, I will be the first to help you lynch him if he was found in a court of law to have been guilty of harming her in that way, but I have seen too many men charged with allegations that were untrue or unfounded  -- cause someone got onto a witch hunt out of fear or their warped sense of heroism, or in several cases out of vindictive spite.

Withhold visitation if you honestly believe she will be harmed by letting her go, but if the evaluation comes back that they found nothing offer make up time for the missed time and explain to your ex that you had to be sure. And as far as the withholding goes let him know ahead of time -- NCP's hate going and finding the ex gone or that they will not let the kids go with no prior warning.  Common courtesy.

[reellis527]

This is the same man that I caught masturbating to the tape of his child being born, the same man that tried to kill himself in front of me, the same man that tried to run his father over.  He defnietely has issues and he is the type of person that would say those things to her, she comes home and repeats things word for word somethimes because he pruposely wants her to repeat it to me.  I haven't been effective in getting the courts to realize these things but next week is the appointment and hopefully it all will come out.

[catherine]

changed my mind, sorry.

[Ref]

but if you REALLY believe, I mean REALLY, without any anger from your failed marriage or spitefulness that he may be hurting your daughter, I have to say you don't have a choice.

One option is to stall and tell him that you have something that you want to do with daughter but you will trade him so that he can have extra days in the summer. That will buy you some time.

I personally think the risk of being found in contempt is nothing compared to to the risk that your daughter could be hurt. If you are wrong, shame on you and DON'T accuse him of anything until after you get the nod from the therapist.

Good luck

Ref

[catherine]

I just could not say it without insulting her to some degree.

[reellis527]

I am not insulted and we were never in a marriage so any feelings of anything failed is not in my heart.  I am not worried about any courts or police coming to my house, I will go to jail before I turn her over this weekend and I am living by that.  I guess I was trying to get some ways to tell him he's not getting her that wouldn't provoke him to go "crazy".  I am not worried about contempt of court or anything else because he wouldn't be able to file papers until Monday, and she'll be at the doctors Tuesday and Wednesday you can guarantee we'll be at court for an emergency hearing.  I fill what you are saying that's why I am so hesitant to say "sexual abuse" because so many people cry wolf but the mother in me knows something, emotionaly or physically is going on.

Well just wanted you to know that I'm not offended.