Visitation rights

[frustrated]

My husband I separated since Oct. 05 and have 50/50 custody. We have alternating week with our 12 yr old son. We have been going to a mediator than having lawyers. I thought we were done with our agreement. Were just waiting for the mediator to finish typing up papers to sign. Problem has started with visitation already. First I have no family in CA other than our son. My soon to be ex parents have been divorced for 23 yrs. They both now have large families. First stbx has twice talked to our son first on changing days. First he asked to have our son one day ahead during my week for a family gathering. I said I like more notice and said sorry forgot. I asked our son if he would like to go and he said it didn't matter but his Dad said he was going the day before. I told stbx he needed to discuss with me first and it did not matter to our son if he went. Stbx said off course he said that because our son didn't want to hurt my feelings and I should not talked to him and this was a family gathering and was the best interest of our son. Then I found out he had booked a cabin with his Dad and Stepmom on my week a month ago and told our son without discussing it with me. He said it was the only week he could arrange it with his Dad and other family members and assumed I could work around it. Because it was a family gathering. Now his Stepmom wants our son on his Dad's birthday during my time. Is it wrong of me this will get out of hand? My stbx has our son 50% of the time is it wrong of me to have them do it on his time? Also just found out stbx went out of town because our son did not want to go. He said he was going to ask me first but he accidently said he was going infront of his stepmom and then asked our son to stay with them. Question can I have it in the visitation agreement I will be asked first when he is going to be gone overnight? Also he needs to discuss with me first right away when he knows he wants to change schedule on my time?  Need advise what to have in aggreement so this will not get difficult and stay equal without sending our son back and forth homes like a ping pong ball to make up missed visitation time.

[msme]

Whether you know it or not, you have the ideal set up with very little difficulty. There are many on here who would kill for a fraction of what you have.

That said, here are my thoughts. 50/50 time means just that. Since you have no family in the area & he does, it stands to reason that he will want more adjustment. You can ask for right of first refusal, which means that if he is gone, you get the child, but, given the boy's age, it is also the father's right to let him stay with other family members during his week.

I think a better solution might be to have it put in writing that all requests for change must be made no less than two weeks in advance & made up immediately with an extention of the next consecutive week.  Exceptions will be made for the hospitalization or funeral of an immediate family member.

Another words, if you exchange on Sunday & he wants him on Thursday of your week for some reason, then he would stay an extra day with you for your next week.

You definitely must do something or it could, very easily, become very uneven & could be used later as grounds for a change in custody.

Hope this helps. Maybe someone else has a better idea.

Good luck & God bless

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[4honor]

Like how to make changes to the schedule.  I would want the Ex to give up time PRIOR to getting their change.  You want DS 3 days early next week? I will pick kids up 3 days early this week. That's today? Guess What? Hmmm.

True emergencies you just work out for the sake of the child... if you end up a little short, that is just the way life is... it will all eventually even out.

And you can just say NO when it is your time. Your AGREED court order is going to say something specific. You have a right to be a hard nose about your time. Sometimes you get flexible and you agree. Sometimes you take a hard line and you don't.  No judge is going to ream you for using your time ... especially when the father has PLENTY of time to make his plans with his family on his own time. However, if you always say no, then you could also have a problem.

It also sounds like you are having more of a problem with there being no reciprocity and short notice. Train the ex to give you more notice. If he warns you way ahead, make it happen if you can. He gives you 2 days notice, say no unless it is a once in a lifetime opportunity for son.

And do not stand for the excuse that he talked to son first and son is expecting it. That is like saying to the lottery commission that I told my child I was gonna win and now you have to pay up. It is ridiculous to think they would.

You are an adult ... the parent. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy in real life. Well, this is real life. Your child needs to see real life all the time from you both. Real life is a series of negotitations. You let him see that sometimes you get what you want in the negotiation and sometimes you have to sacrifice this one for the next one. He will learn valuable life skills from you remaining civil and still saying NO... or from dialoguing a problem and finding a good reason to say YES.

Instead of asking your child whether he wants to go (or cares about going), ask him what are some good reasons for going. Then ask him what are some good reasons for NOT going. His answers will tell you what he really thinks.

Remember, you are not raising your son to be a child, you are raising your son to be a man. Keep that foremost in your mind when you have these conflicts with your EX and it will help guide you in how you interpret your son's "best interest." Look at not only how this choice affects him this weekend, but how it may affect him when he is grown.