I'm at a loss.

[Troubledmom]

The drug use issue has been addressed rather well already so I won't go there...

One of the things I noticed with my sons dad when he first started having contact with our son after a prolonged absence was that he really had no clue what was age appropriate in the way of movies, music and/or activities.

I didn't know exactly how to address this stuff with him. So I did the best I could. I gave him a call and said "I hear you and the kid watched a Chuckie movie while playing poker the other night." He says "Yeah". I asked him what he and his Dad did together when he was 10. He told me some of the things they had done and then, as if a light bulb turned on, he said "Oh, maybe next week that might be something we could do".

I didn't have to tell him he was 'wrong' for doing what he had done, he didn't feel attacked, and the next weekend he and the boy went out and worked on a car all afternoon and then watched a hotrod movie. Much better bonding stuff that horror movies and a game or two of poker :)

TM

[tulip]

I am not accusing anyone of sexual abuse, and I'm sorry if that happened to you. My daughter was not explaining to the other kids what a sexual situation is. No, I don't expect that she would understand what that term means. She was describing to other kids in vidid detail what she saw in the movies she watched at her dad's house. I don't think that she really understands what she saw, but she must have known that there was something she should not have been talking about because every time my husband walked back into the room everyone quit talking.

[gipsy]

If Your daughter quit talking when an adult walked into the room , How do we know what they were talking about ?
   I know I come off a little rough , But you must realize , What I detect with your post is a lot of speculation , And negativity toward the Dad and the visit , And zero positive ,
    Here's what the deal is , You have come to this situation as it is , Of course it can be negative , Of course you don't get along, thats why you aren't married any more,
   I have a long list of the crap I disapprove of with the mother of my son ,  For the sake of my son I Just try to deal with it and not stir the pot , And By not doing so , Things get better , I had a decent atty that really isn't into stirring the pot , And he is right! And My son does
much better when I don't go on and on over the Issues ,
     I suggest you just ask the Ex. Be really calm , Most of us don't think exactly the same about child rearing , I run around with another dad , And , we as males differ , But He and I ,as males know how to live the way we do , and when I see some of the things he does and does not do with his son, he doesn't need to say it ,
   My suggestion is to just tell the Dad she said what ever it is about the movie , He will answer or not , But most people don't just confess so don't even expect that , BUT Like My self : I may have done something wrong with out thinking about it !   its not necessary to make an issue of it , But to gently bring it to the surface ,
 
   Their is a fine line  involved with diplomacy and these issues , Like With my situation , We don't tell each other how to parent or try to control each other's parenting time ,
  Again I repeat . Your daughter's self estemm will be better with a real Dad ,
 What if step Dad : Assuming you are married ; As a Christian couple ; Goes away ,

[msme]

From the sound of your post, there seems to be some difficulty communicating with her dad. Might I suggest that you & your daughter send him a note. Your part can say that she mentioned the movies that they had watched & perhaps he wasn't up to date on the latest kids movies. That she would really enjoy some others & she is writing to let you know what her favorites are.

Then she can write a note & tell him that she loves him & is glad he wants to see her & then tell him about her interests, games, movies, etc. Send the notes from her. Let her address the envelope.

I would like to suggest that you enlist the aid of your 14 year old in keeping an ear on things. Tell her that you value her as your daughter's big sister & you hope she will keep you informed if she is talking about anything inappropriate for an 8 year old so that you can get her on track. And of course, you will not tell her that she told.

When your daughter complains about how things went, tell her that she & her daddy are both still learning & she will have to help him learn. Also, instead of homework, why not send some fun things, even if only a couple of coloring books & crayons. Dad might even give it a try if one were of trucks or motorcycles.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[tulip]

I appreciate your ideas. You are right about having a problem communicating. The problem is that he does not want to communicate. Writing him a note is probably a good idea.

I usually don't send homework with when my daughter goes to his house, but sometimes she has a lot of homework. I try to have her get it done on the weekends because our weeknights are so busy that it is too difficult for her to spend much time on it during the week. She has more homework than most kids in her grade because she is in 3 advanced classes. If I don't have her take homework with to her dad's, then I would have to sometimes tell her that she has to finish her homework before she can go, and I don't think that's fair, especially when they are just hanging out at his house anyway. Also, it is good for dad to see what she's doing in school if he wants to make an effort to get to know her better. I know that if my kids did not live with me, I would love to have an opportunity to see their schoolwork and help them with it. I have sent other things with her to do too, like books she likes and movies. I thought maybe if I sent a game with her, that would help them to interact more, which is what she really wants, but I'm not sure if he would be play a game with her. When we were together he hardly ever would play cards or board games with me.

Anyway, I thank all of you who have given sincere helpful advice to me on this issue. Right now though, I have much more serious issues to deal with concerning my daughter and her father. He was in a horrible accident over the past weekend and has a very severe head injury. I don't know if he is going to live, and if he does he will probably never fully recover. I am doing my best to comfort her and praying for wisdom to know how much information an 8 year old girl can handle. She has never experienced anything like this and doesn't really understand it.

[4honor]

will be in our prayers. Please do not think that he cannot come back or be healed from a brain injury. My SIL was last year.

Please let us know how things go.

[msme]

All of you are in my prayers. It is important that your daughter be made aware of the seriousness of it but not too much info. Perhaps you could contact his family and ask how he is doing & if his conditions is such that a visit would be possible.

If his chance of survival is slim, perhaps your pastor could accompany you & take her into the room see him. If he passes & she doesn't have a chance to see him, she may believe that you didn't want her to & you don't want that.

Either way, she will probably need some counseling to get through it.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!