Denial of visitation/contempt

[Noname]

Hi,
I was hoping for some advice on denial of visitation.  DH's ex has repeatedly denied him visitation with one or more of kids, especially since he got INCREASED visitation earlier this year.  She's trying to make like kids are scared of him, etc.  He's a good, decent man and the only problem is her nastiness.  

From what I've heard, it's extremely difficult to get a judge to rule in contempt of a mother for denial of visitation - they basically get a handslap.  Is this true?

Also, his lawyer suggested taking ex to court on denial issue and trying to get custody.  Does this ever happen?  It seems as if we spent thousands of dollars to get extra visitation (ex appealed twice and lost both times - she was pro se) and she just thumbs her nose at the law.  Why would returning to court change anything?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

[Ref]

and it depends on what you consider a slap on the hand. The usual ruling is make-up visitaion and possibly court costs. The chances of change in custody, if that is the only issue and it happens farly infrequently, is slim.

How often does she do this to your DH and his kids?

BTW I can understand what you are going through. Dh spent thousands to increase visitation only to have BM and subsequently SD say that he will only see SD 2 times a year anyway (that was how much BM allowed him prior to court).

Best Wishes.
Ref

[Noname]

Thanks for your answer.  Since March, when visitation was changed, she's denied him visitation with at least one - and sometimes both - of the kids seven times.  She does this and tells him the kids don't want to see him.  Occasionally you can hear one of them in the background saying this isn't true.  Other times she tells them that he's a bad father and convinces them that bad things will happen here.  Not true.

It's just that court is so stressful for us and she's such a pathological liar and a bully that I'm beginning to think it would be better to give up entirely.  You read this stuff saying how it's important to keep trying for the kids' sakes but I'm not sure that's right.  They get sucked into her lies half the time anyway.  What's the point?  

Thanks again.

[Ref]

How old are the girls?

My advice is to have your attorney send her a letter stressing the rules of visitation and your agreement and let her know that she will be in contempt if she doesn't comply and have him/her include a notice of visitation with the date time and place of your next pick-up and drop-off.

This will cost you a few bucks but might scare BM into behaving.

Also, don't give up. I was a PAS kid. My dad dropped out and my mom used that against him and when he came back in our lives she used THAT against him. It will never stop for your kids because you aren't there. It will just be a different way that you are the villian and she is the hero.

Best Wishes

Ref

[Noname]

SS is 12 (he's the reason we asked for more visitation - he would complain bitterly and at times cry over the years when he had to leave) and SD is 10.  She's more vulnerable to BM attacks b/c she's impressionable and fearful.

I've never "met" anyone who went through PAS.  What kind of relationship do you have with your Dad and Mom now?  Did you realize what was going on when you were a kid?  I don't think DH's kids have a clue.  They've listed to BM drum it into their heads for years that she walks on water and just accept that.

[Ref]

From the point when they seperated (I was 12) to about 18 I slowly was taught that my father didn't care about me. My mother said things when we fought like "you are just like your dad". For a long time I thought that was one of the worst things you could say. She convinced me that he had people watching us. Every gift he gave me she would scoff at it not being good enough or appropriate. She never, as far as I know, denied him time with us but she worked hard at alienating our (ny sister and my) affections. I believed EVERY SINGLE thing she said until about I was about 16. That is when I started seeing my mother as having human faults. I was smart enough to see some of her lies, although they weren't related to my dad. She and I got in a huge fight and I called my dad and left him a message begging him to let me live with him. She flipped out. I guess that was the thing she was most afraid of.

I moved out but I was still convinced that what I learned about my dad growing up was still mostly true. When I was about 18, I realized I needed my dad. I hadn't seen him or talked to him much over the prior 1.5-2 years. I called him and started talking to him. His stories made so much sense and they contradicted most of what I was taught. After I understood what was going on, it took me a couple of years to get real close with my dad. I love my mom and to be honest, I feel bad for her that her life is so consumed with anger towards my dad. My realtionship has been trying with her. I never cut ties with her, but she continues to say bad things about my dad. It wasn't until I was about 30 before I could bring myself to tell her that she was wrong for doing that to me and my sister and that I needed her to stop talking about him that way.

It took her a while, but it sunk in. She now appologizes about her behavior and has cut down on her back-handed compliments and insults about my dad and his family. I think she has heard my husband's issues with his exwife doing this to him and now she sees that that behavior is very damaging to the child.

So I was just where your SKs are. everything my mom said was truth. My dad took the highroad and never said anything. I had absolutely no clue.

Ironically (my dad laughes at me when I complain), SD said the exact same thing to DH when we saw her. She said she will believe her mom 100% and assume that he is lying. She thinks he is spying on her computer. It is the same us-against-them thing my mom did to me. There is little you can do about it except be the best parent (stepparent) you can be. Understand that the children will eventually see what your actions were and how they contradict everything BM told them.

Best wishes, it is a heartbreaking road.
Ref

[Noname]

Ref,

Thanks so much for sharing all of that.  It made me feel a little better and I can only hope my SKs are half as smart at figuring it all out.  Although I really have my doubts.  Too bad your Mom can't explain some of this to your SD so she gets a little insight...

Thanks again.