How much visitation does rhe eally get?

[carped_32]

Ok so my daughter's father is now pushing for more time... let me give some background.  My ex and I were split long before the night our daughter was concieved.  Turns out he was engaged at the time.  He never wanted anything to do with the baby, in fact until I was about 22 weeks along in my pregnancy he basically begged me to have it "taken care of".  When I refused he suddenly changed his story and said he didn't know if was the father but either way he didn't want the baby at all, didn't want to know anything about it - ever.  Then a few days before she was born he called and said he had talked to his parents and suddenly decided to "take responsibilty" (knowing him I know that was not his idea but his mothers... she has always controled his life and now so does his wife - yeah, she stayed with him).  He odered a DNA test... he never saw out daughter (by his choice) until she was almost 4 months old (once he got the test results back).  He started visiting her at my house until she was around 6 months old (that's when I stopped breastfeeding) then he would take her for a couple hours on Sundays.  Eventually we worked up to him having her for a full day (from the time she got up in the morning until 30 minutes before her bedtime) on the weekends.  Then he got laid off (in mid July) and for the past month or so he's been taking her for a day during the week instead of her going to daycare as well as a day on the weekend.  Now he's taking her two days during the week and he still thinks he should have his weekend visit as well.  I work during the week so I told him that the weekends are my only real time with her, during the week it's mostly "maintance" time I get with her (feeding dinner, getting ready for bed etc. since I get home from work around 5:15 and she goes to bed at 7:30).  He doesn't see it that way.  He says that he was told (I don't know by who) that his days during the week are instead of paying half the daycare cost (that the court says he has to pay) and that it's not the same as visitation.  He's very dificult to reason with... in fact he's near impossible, he just doesn't see it any other way but his way (and by his way I mean the way his mother and wife tell him it should be... no I'm not kidding, they're that controling.  I have been on the phone with him on more than one occasion and heard his wife in the background telling him what to say and he just repeats it word for word).  He's also mentioned having her for an overnight visit... we tried that once when she was 9 months old (against my better judgement)... her reaction to that was less than positive.  Once she came home from that visit she was beyond clingy, I literally could not put her down for a moment the entire weekend (she only spent a Friday night from 30 min. before bed until about 2 hours after she got up in the morning).  Since then I keep trying to tell him that the time he's spending with her while she's awake is more important than her just sleeping there.  Plus, and I've tried explaining this to him as well, I watch the way she reacts to him and so far I'm not seeing the sort of reaction you would expect from a child who has known their father for almost a year.  Up until a couple weeks ago she would always cry and fuss and scream when he would take her, and not just from me (which he tried to make as the reason... no baby likes leaving their mother).  She had such a negative reation towards him that two of her daycare teachers have made several comments to me because they were so amazed at her reaction... she would either stare at him with a blank look, no reaction no emotion, or she would scream... but she would never willing and voluntarily go to him.  Now if I drop her off at his house, as soon as she sees his house she starts fussing and shaking her head no then crys and pushes me away when I try to get her out of her carseat.  She will let him take her without fussing as much now but when he picks her up at my house and I make her walk to the door she will not go to him, she will turn around and walk away from him then throw a bit of a fit when I try to get her coat on.  What do I do?  He refuses to see her reactions as negative or that maybe this is NOT a positive experience for her... it's been almost a year... shouldn't she have a better reaction to him?  How do I get him to see that his two days with her during the week should be instead of his weekend visit?  I told him once he finally finds a new job then we'll change the schedule again but until then I think it seems more than fair that he spends his visitation time with her during the week while I'm working and I get weekends when I don't work.  When I told him that he doesn't get weekends for now all he kept saying is "so you're denying me access to my daughter"... I'm not denying him, his days just changed but he refuses to see it that way.  I did give in that day and said he could also have her half a day that Saturday... I had to tell him something becasue I had to get to work and he was starting to get hostile and I did NOT want to fight infront of my daughter.  
Does anyone know what I can legally say no to when it comes to his visitation?  Nothing is set up with the court except that I am her primary care giver and he has visitation (which the say is "reasonable" but as far as I know I'm the one who says what's reasonable).  One more added concern I have... not only is he currently unemployed but he also has 3 DUI's (and from what I had heard after the last one he was ordered to go to AA meetings... I know he still drinks, I and friends have seen him).

[Droogle]

1 would be to get an attny.  and take it into court so every thing is written in black and white.  That is one option.

2 you could go to the park with them one time for your child to see and learn that it is ok to spend time with someone else.  Once she is happy and safe kiss her and tell her you will see her soon.

3 as for his 3 DUI's does he still have license?  Is he the one driving her around.  If he says he has a valid license and you are concerned that he doesn't that you are going to call your local police department and see if they can stop by an run it.  Make sure the child is not in the car.  The threat of the cops my just make him run and even if he stays and let's them run it and it comes back non-valid you can't let your daughter go with him.  He may have a visit some other time but until he gets his license straight he can not have the child in the car with him.

Honestly I personally, would try to keep things civil for the child's sake but if you can't than you need some one who can.



BTW the next time you post break it up a little.  It is hard to read as a solid block.

[Ref]

I would like to add that you have to let go of the "when I was pregnant" stories etc. Many good men act inappropriately when they find out that they are going to be dads when the conditions are perfect. I can't even tell you how many times I heard the same stories from other BM's. I understand (I am a woman too) that it is crappy to be stuck in that situation when you are vulnerable. Even not to see the child for a while after it was born is bad, but not horrifying.

I say this not only because I know it is easy to carry that pain for years and years and it is not healthy to you or your child but because if this does go to court, you will be looked at as being vindictive and more concerned with this grudge than with the welfare of your child.

Also, look at what the standard visitation is in your area. You might find that your ex has much less than he would get if you go through mediation.

Good luck
Ref

[mistoffolees]

>I would like to add that you have to let go of the "when I
>was pregnant" stories etc.

This is very important. If it does go to mediation or to court, a long rambling response is going to make the OP look bad. She needs to learn to focus on the critical issues and put them down concisely. Her question could have been done in less than 1/4 the amount of space she used. Paragraphs help.

In the event of a dispute, clear, concise communication is critical and it's worth practicing in a safe environment.