Issues with interstate transportation

[stepmom23]

Can't wait for this crud to be over in 4 more years...

DH is in Georgia, BM is in Florida.  DH does not experience a visitation without interference from BM...ever!

Regarding transportation, DD simply states "If Mother moves more than 150 miles from Father (which she did), then transportation shall be split 50/50."  Nothing more, nothing less.  DH has always made and paid for the flight arrangements, then BM reimburses for her half whenever the mood hits her.  Before the boys began flying, DH and BM would meet at a halfway point.

In BM's email to DH about Christmas visitation, she says "I'm emailing you to see what your plans are for the boys' visitation at Christmas.  Just a reminder, according to the paperwork, they MUST be back by 3:00p on December 26th (note: this is actually 6:00p according to the paperwork).  We have plans that night so they MUST be back by 3:00p.  Confirm that you understand this. Also, if airfare is too expensive then we will arrange to meet halfway b/t your home and my home."

Fast forward to yesterday.  DH sent BM the confirmation today for the return trip on the 26th to their home airport (as is usual).   BM sends a reply back that they should not be flying back to their home airport, but to one 200 miles north because that's where her family is spending Christmas.  Though no where in her original email did she mention flying them back to a different location.  She's refusing to take any responsibility in not advising in advance that the return flight should be to a different airport, or to split the difference for the change fees involved in changing the flights.  

She has also defined (and says her attorney agrees with her) the halfway point for transportation by car should always be halfway b/t her home and ours, no matter where she is (and even though she will be 200 miles closer to our home this time).  This small detail will result in a 3 hour roundtrip for her and a 10 hour roundtrip for DH.  ??Would this same logic apply if she were spending the holidays in Kentucky and not Northern Florida?? I think not; she would then have to pass our home in Atlanta to get to the halfway point (she resides in Southern Florida).  Does this make sense?  She's also telling DH that her attorney has told her that she is not to put the boys on the flight to DH if he does not agree to (A) eat the costs for the flight back, or (B) meet her halfway b/t her home and ours.  

DH is not sure what to do.  It doesn't matter how much we comply with her wishes or demands, they just keep coming.  She always finds some way to put the screws to DH.  Also, if DH tries to challenge anything, it always ends up costing thousands of dollars, even if it appears black and white, and sometimes when it's stated that DH is correct.  

Any advice?  DH's attorney is saying $1,000 minimum to start something (but what?).  Money that is being taken from the boys.  My honest opinion is that BM has not contacted her attorney but making an attempt to scare DH into complying with her wishes.  I understand that attorneys sometimes interpret the law how they want, but when the verbiage isn't even there??  I especially cannot believe an attorney would suggest withholding visitation.

[mistoffolees]

Your obligation is to honor the agreement. That's always the first step. NEVER go against the agreement without specific written instructions. For example, if the agreement says you need to turn them over to her at 6 pm, then it's 6 pm and you can't get in trouble for being at the appointed place at 6 pm. If she wants 3 pm, she's out of luck - unless she can coax, bully, or barter you into giving her 3 pm.

The rest of the issues are the real problem. If there's anything that is not clear, then it becomes subject to negotiation. In general, the CP is going to win most disputed issues (no, it's not right, but in practice that's the most common event).

If you've already bought tickets, I would send her a certified letter saying that since she never notified you of any change in plans in advance, you purchased the following tickets and this is the schedule. You will expect reimbursement for half of the cost. And leave it at that.

If she refuses, what's she going to do? You put the kids on the plane with the tickets you provided and she's going to have to pick them up at the airport (of course, if she says she's not going to be there, ask for that in writing or record the conversation and then don't put the kids on the plane).

What if she doesn't put the kids on the plane for Christmas? Then you've got a clear cut case of contempt - and I would file for contempt demanding not only that the situation be rectified with clearer instructions but also demanding payment for past tickets she has not paid for (you have kept track, right?) and demanding that she pay your legal expenses since you've kept up your part of the bargain.

However, IMHO, a better solution is to find some way of mediating differences without having to go to court and have minor issues turned into WW III. Find a pastor, mutual friend, counselor, etc who will work with you to mediate issues when they come up. Even if it doesn't work, at least you show that you're trying to work with her.

But unless the two of them can learn to resolve differences for the sake of the children, NCPs are at a disadvantage - particularly when living some distance away.

Good luck.

[MixedBag]

standing your ground and sticking with the order becomes more an emotional issue than stick to the court order issue and very tough to do.

[MixedBag]

Hmmm....  Let's put the shoe on the other foot.

If you are "closer" to Mom on the receiving end or return end because you happen to be south, would you want the meeting point to change to half way between the two of you?

Example...o.k.?

Atlanta/Dad, Miami/Mom.

half say is "Gainesville?"  (just for argument's sake I'm not doing the math....).

So you two go to Valdosta for a weekend -- which puts you closer to Gainesville than normal.  

Would you want the half way point to be half way between Valdosta and Miami or back in Gainesville which keeps you closer to Valodosta?

If mom was driving THROUGH Atlanta, I think Dad would be off the hook for tansportation.

Otherwise, I think the meeting point or distance should be the same for Dad to drive.  He should expect to drive XXX number of miles in any direction (IMHO, O.k.) because it's driving.

Flying....different story.

Maybe the answer is to save the tickets you two bought for another trip, and buy a different one to the city that's north where Mom is gonna be....

Or let Mom change that part of the trip.

Using Airtran???  (Since you mentioned Atlanta).

I went through one Christmas where I had my EX threatening to not put son on the plane, and where EX#3(former DH)'s EX was doing the same with his son.  

Mine arrived....his didn't.

So I know how Dad feels right now....sucks.

[stepmom23]

>Hmmm....  Let's put the shoe on the other foot.
>
>If you are "closer" to Mom on the receiving end or return end
>because you happen to be south, would you want the meeting
>point to change to half way between the two of you?
>
>Example...o.k.?
>
>Atlanta/Dad, Miami/Mom.
>
>half say is "Gainesville?"  (just for argument's sake I'm not
>doing the math....).
>
>So you two go to Valdosta for a weekend -- which puts you
>closer to Gainesville than normal.  
>
>Would you want the half way point to be half way between
>Valdosta and Miami or back in Gainesville which keeps you
>closer to Valodosta?
>
>If mom was driving THROUGH Atlanta, I think Dad would be off
>the hook for tansportation.
>
>Otherwise, I think the meeting point or distance should be the
>same for Dad to drive.  He should expect to drive XXX number
>of miles in any direction (IMHO, O.k.) because it's driving.
>
>
Ethically, halfway is halfway, no matter where the two parties are!!  In the scenario you presented, the halfway point would be halfway between Valdosta and Miami, not Gainesville and Valdosta.  Each party would still be splitting the transportation 50/50, as the paperwork states each should do.  Just as if she were vacationing in Louisville, Kentucky then he would meet her halfway b/t Atlanta and Louisville unless she were picking the kids up on her return to Florida.  Maybe I'm missing your point.  

[mistoffolees]

>Ethically, halfway is halfway, no matter where the two parties
>are!!  In the scenario you presented, the halfway point would
>be halfway between Valdosta and Miami, not Gainesville and
>Valdosta.  Each party would still be splitting the
>transportation 50/50, as the paperwork states each should do.
>Just as if she were vacationing in Louisville, Kentucky then
>he would meet her halfway b/t Atlanta and Louisville unless
>she were picking the kids up on her return to Florida.  Maybe
>I'm missing your point.  

Just don't expect the law to always agree on what you think it should be.

One could just as easily argue that 'halfway' means halfway between the residences - since the residences are spelled out in the agreement and other possible scenarios are not.

In reality, there IS no right answer. The wording is ambiguous and they either need to learn to work together or go to court to clarify it. Given that people can create an unending stream of ambiguities if they really try to make life miserable for the other person, in the end it's usually better to accept some ambiguity and find a way to resolve it.

[stepmom23]

>One could just as easily argue that 'halfway' means halfway
>between the residences - since the residences are spelled out
>in the agreement and other possible scenarios are not.
>
>In reality, there IS no right answer. The wording is ambiguous
>and they either need to learn to work together or go to court
>to clarify it. Given that people can create an unending stream
>of ambiguities if they really try to make life miserable for
>the other person, in the end it's usually better to accept
>some ambiguity and find a way to resolve it.

Actually residences is not spelled out in the transportation part of the agreement, thus the reason for the ambiguity.

Anywho, DH has decided to make better use of his energy than to stew over this one minute longer.  He will let the boys make the decision whether they want to fly or drive.  Driving means more time with Dad; flying means 7 hours less with Dad, due to flight availability, but less road wear for them.  If they want to fly, then DH will purchase another set of tickets to the airport of BM's wishes and probably eat the cost (as is usual).  If they want to drive, then DH will let BM choose the exchange location.

Afterward, DH plans to compose a heart-felt letter to BM explaining that all he wants is to see his children.  That in the future he will exercise his part of the agreement by advising dates for visitation (as set forth in the decree).  She can then make the arrangements to her liking, advise him of those arrangements so he can book the flights and pay.  Though the decree states that DH is the one to make arrangements within guidelines spelled out and notify BM, she claims it's her right to veto at will.  This should give her the control she seems to need.  Hopefully, this arrangement will also give DH and myself the peace we need.  I'm using the Serenity Prayer as my mantra.  

[mistoffolees]

Ultimately, that's what matters.

Finding a way to work together is a far better use of your energy than worrying about who's right and who's wrong.

Good luck.

[MixedBag]

just wanna discuss, o.k....not argue...because you said "Maybe I'm missing your point.

So...Dad would be O.K. to drive half way between Valdosta and Miami which means he's actually driving further or more to pick up/return the kids (in my scenario) than he normally would be driving.

Again, I think the order means half way (which is a certain number of miles between the home of the two parents), or fly.

If I choose to be closer on either end than half way, that's "my gain" and not something the other side should be allowed to take advantage of.
IMHO...

Good luck, and I hope the kids get to spend the time with their dad like they're supposed to.

[Ref]

I would write her a letter stating that but for her threats to withhold visitation, you will be forced to incur the extra change costs and you expect her to reimburse you this change fee.

Keep that in your records along with her threat of not sending the children. If court ever has to come up again, you can ask for reimbursement.

She is being a queen B*tch, but you should pick your battles. If you REALLY think this is the one to fight, keep the ticket for the flight to your home and send her a letter stating that she will not have to reimburse you for the flight to but she is to be responsible to book the flight back as long as it is withing the timeframe of your agreement.

Personally, I would let her have this one and fight about this some other time, when the holidays aren't on the line. It is too stressful as it is.

best wishes
Ref