Mediation Next week after 3 years of problems... advice/help needed

[sdepew]

OK... quick history: separated 3 yrs ago right before my sons 4th birthday, divorced 2.5 yrs.  Tricked into allowing BM to establish residency 1200 miles away prior to seeing the train wreck coming.  She got parents w/money and a lawyer, I got laid off and had nothing... she ended up with legal and physical custody and I got full visitation rights.  Not even sure what that all boils down too, but there are many things that I was to be notified of and checked with about that have been completely ignored by her.
Disabling accident followed shortly after divorce due to anxiety and depression mixed with whiskey and motorcycles.  2 yrs. later... on SSDI (after 1.5 yr. fight for it), retrained for new career, DUI, Medical Bills & Child Support all resolved, working on resolving final medical problems to return to work, but close enough to standing again to fight for my boy after much parental alienation and broken promises and now flat out denials of promised visitation.
I've seen him 3 times since... each time me driving over there and paying for it all, thanks to the donations of some very kind people.

As stipulated in the divorce papers I have contacted the mediator in North Dakota to initiate mediation after being last minute denied his first planned birthday visit back home with me becouse I wouldn't meet 3 unreasonable demands of hers.
There never was a parental plan... yes, I was broke and entirely too trusting when it all came down on me.  Been paying ever since by being wedged out of my sons life.

Mediation is set for next Wednesday and along with setting up a late visit my main goal is to get a parental plan in place that will be enforceable.  While I've read that mediation has no real legal weight... I'm doing what the papers say and walking through the steps towards getting this into court for proper resolution.

Any tips, ideas, shared experiences are not only welcomed but requested.
Any info needed, ask away... I'm an open book but don't want to blather on, just not sure how far to go.  I have documented almost every interaction, trip, refusal, broken promise and much more... at least as much as I could stomach over the last 2.5 years.

Thanks in advance!

[olanna]

Mediation in California means you are working out a parenting plan that will be presented to a judge as a final order, provided both parties can come to some solution they both agree on.

If you can't, the mediator will offer up one that suits the child's best interest.

Best to you. I do hope you can get back into your child's life.

[sdepew]

That is my hope... either way.  If BM is more agreeable for the mediator that's great, if the mediator needs to make the call, that's great too.  If nothing gets through then I can at least move on to the courtroom.
At this point there is nothing to lose.
We'll see how North Dakota laws play in... as long as we get what's best for him from an impartial party, I'm sure I'll be satisfied.

Also wondering if ND will allow us to enter the PPlan into the record or if I'll have to pay a lawyer to make it happen.

[olanna]

Is the mediator through the court? I can't promise for ND but I know here the mediator submits the parenting plan and findings to the court. The mediators are not interested in making anyone parent happy but doing what is best for the child. I find this to be the case here in CA and if the parents are willing to work together, it is so much better.

[Ref]

He showed up with his own parenting plan. He copied the local standard parenting plan (provided online by the clerk of the court in his jurisdiction) and modified it because he lives 1400 miles away from SD.

The standard plan had every other weekend. DH asked for additional time in the summer because he couldn't to the everyother weekend.

This is what his looked like. Every other school break was his (spelled out to the holiday). Every other winter break he had the first half of the holiday and the other year he would have the last half. They would alternate birthdays (although DH rarely used them unless it fell on or near a weekend). He could have any weekend so long as he gave BM 14 days notice of his arrival and it was in the town SD lives. He also had father's day.

Times and places of pick-up were spelled out. You should also look to put in that you will share the costs of the visitation. This should include unaccompanied minor fees for the airlines.

The details are for you to work out, but if you stick to the bones of the court's standard plan, you will be the reasonable one and any less time she would ask for will make her unreasonable.

There is one exception. You haven't seen your kid regularly for a while, so there may be a getting to know you period that would be reasonably asked for. Plan for it. Maybe you can plan the first visitations to be in her area for a few times. It is expensive because of hotels and eating out etc.

I would also put in the plan telephone and email communications. I would ask for phone visitation every Sunday (if you can commit to it) and the right to speak with your kid any time you call or whenever your kid wants to call you.

I guess that is it for now. Good Luck!

Ref

[sdepew]

>Is the mediator through the court? I can't promise for ND but
>I know here the mediator submits the parenting plan and
>findings to the court. The mediators are not interested in
>making anyone parent happy but doing what is best for the
>child. I find this to be the case here in CA and if the
>parents are willing to work together, it is so much better.

Mediator is designated in the divorce judgment and is required before proceeding into court.  This was all setup by her lawyer, a kid right out of school in Fargo.  My hope is that the mediator will be familiar with and possibly provide the standard form required in ND.  She has already eluded to the fact that I may have to hire some sort of legal counsel to enter the completed plan into the judgment.  I understand the mediators role and while I'm disappointed they have no legal authority I hope we can get a simple plan in place.


>The details are for you to work out, but if you stick to the
>bones of the court's standard plan, you will be the reasonable
>one and any less time she would ask for will make her
>unreasonable.
>
>There is one exception. You haven't seen your kid regularly
>for a while, so there may be a getting to know you period that
>would be reasonably asked for. Plan for it. Maybe you can plan
>the first visitations to be in her area for a few times. It is
>expensive because of hotels and eating out etc.
>
>I would also put in the plan telephone and email
>communications. I would ask for phone visitation every Sunday
>(if you can commit to it) and the right to speak with your kid
>any time you call or whenever your kid wants to call you.
>
>I guess that is it for now. Good Luck!
>
>Ref


Great stuff Rev... thanks a ton.  Not having access to a real parental plan I'm kinda shooting in the dark but this gives me some good reference points to walk through in mediation.  I sent a list to the mediator to hopefully save some time during the phone session.
Visitation cost are defined in the judgment as well... 50/50 and age of traveling alone is specified in the judgment as whatever CP is comfortable with.  So far I've driven over there 4 times (1 during separation and 3 after divorce), a few days each time at my own expense (with help from friends).  It costs me almost an even $1k to do it and I'm on disability so my funds are pretty limited.
I will be trying to reestablish a regular call time.  I have tried this in the past but the X refuses to commit.  I think it would be great for him to have any sort of regular, reliable contact.  At this point 1/2 the time he doesn't want to talk with me and the other half he wants to talk every day.  Of course I accommodate him as best I can but the sporadic behavior just doesn't seem like a healthy thing at all and many of the ways he's hot and cold with me, along with a few of the things he says now and then really lean into Parental Alienation, I'm just not sure if it's the wife or her mom or even how innocent or malicious it may be.
I'm also trying to get progress report copies from school and from a psychologist he was reportedly seeing off and on again for some time.  Again specified in the divorce but never provided.  I ask and I get the "Oh yea... I'll send you some copies..." that never arrive.

Anyway... that's great stuff to consider and I do appreciate it.  This isn't about me and I know that.  This is about my son and what he needs in his life not only to be a happy and well adjusted little boy now but to become a morally good and mentally strong man someday.