Less than a week away from Christmas....

[thairagain]

and dh hasn't made arrangements with sd's maternal grandmother about the plans for the day of Christmas.

A little background to help you understand why this is a concern of mine....  DH obtained custody of sd this past August because sd told the judge that was what she wanted and because sd's maternal grandmother and aunt were willing to testify in court on behalf of sd's wishes due to alcohol, drug, and physical abuse in the bm's home.  Consequently, bm agreed to dh obtaining custody because she didn't want a lot of "stuff" brought out in court and therefore placed in the court records.  DH was granted full custody with the bm receiving visitation only if both bm and dh were able to agree on the visitation.  In other words, the bm has no visitation schedule.  SD likes it this way right now, because she feels that the situation is still too fresh for her mother and she doesn't feel comfortable visiting with her mother since she is still drinking (she is an alcoholic), and since her stepdad is still using drugs.  SD just doesn't want to be around that type of stuff anymore.  BM REFUSES to discuss with dh any of her wishes to visit with sd, and therefore, visitation, in the traditional sense, does not exist.  Again, sd, likes it this way; she doesn't want to be alone with her mother and/or stepdad.  Now back to the maternal grandmother and aunt......  sd has always had a very close relationship with them through church activities.  SD goes to church with them nearly every Sunday and Wednesday; DH and I have continued to allow this close relationship as it is important to sd.  Another reason we continue to allow this is because when bm wants to visit with sd then she simply goes to her mother's (sd's maternal grandmother) house on Sunday's after church for the family lunch gathering.  Again, sd likes it this way because she gets to see her mother in a "controlled environment" and feels safe.  SD's maternal aunt, who is always there, is very capable of controling any situation that the bm may attempt if it gets out of hand.  DH and I are completely comfortable with sd's safety while with her maternal grandmother and/or maternal aunt.

Now back to my original purpose of posting......:)

About 2-3 weeks prior to Thanksgiving, knowing that sd's grandmother would have a family dinner and that it would be an opportunity for sd to visit w/ the bm in a controlled environment, I had asked dh to call the grandmother and/or aunt to discuss the plans for the day of Thanksgiving so I could plan our Thanksgiving dinner accordingly.  DH never did, so about a week before Thanksgiving, I finally talked w/ the Aunt to learn of plans for the day so sd could be there and also attend our Thanksgiving dinner.  Everything worked out very nicely as a result.  Our family went to dh's mother's house for breakfast; sd went to grandmother's house for lunch, and then we had our Thanksgiving dinner at dinner time.  I was very pleased with how we were able to arrange things so everyone was able to attend the family functions throughout the day.   But dh was upset with me.  He told me afterwards, that he didn't like the fact that I had made the arrangements without him knowing about it.  It wasn't that he didn't like the fact that sd had gone to the grandmother's house on Thanksgiving, it was that HE hadn't made the plans for HIS DAUGHTER.  I reminded him that I had asked him to make the arrangements, but he never did, so I felt that SOMEONE had to.  I usually am the one who tends to "organize" these type of things anyway for our family.  I was hurt that he was mad at me for following through with something that he had "forgotten" to do.  

Anyway.....so now here we are less than a week before Christmas.  I WILL NOT make the arrangements for sd this time!!!!!  But I HATE not knowing what is going on for the day.......grrrrr.....  I think I am going to suggest to dh tomorrow that we have an early Christmas dinner this year (maybe around lunch time or shortly thereafter) and see if that jogs his memory about sd!  If it doesn't, then oh well.  I know sd won't miss out, somehow; it will just be up to dh to work it all out this time.  And if he has to do it last minute and work around MY plans for a change then so be it.

Sorry this ended up being longer than I anticipated! lol.....thanks for reading my post, if you made it all the way through to the end! lol  I just needed to vent a little bit.

Thair

[ksswthrt74]

I totally understand where you are coming from because my X is the CP , and he "forgets" to call me about certain things, so I miss out on P/T conf, Open House, etc unless my girls tell me.  SM told me one time that its not her responsibility and that she does tell him to call me, then she gets busy, and forgets to remind him again. But if she had it posted in a place where everyone could see it, etc, then it wouldn't be a problem, or even if she emailed me  and told me, then it wouldn't take that long.

He had NO right to be mad at you because you were looking out for SD and making sure she could spend "controlled" time with her Mom, which she likes to do.

Good luck with him getting plans made for SD for Christmas with Mom or even M G'ma

[TX]

How old is the SD? Is she of age to make the phonecalls? You sound like your a great SM and by the sounds of it, your SD could use a decent role model!

[thairagain]

Thank you for your comment.  Your comment was especially appreciated since you are a NCP mother.  I know that you must have a very open mind in order to answer me the way you did.  Thank you.

Now the doctor appointments, teacher conferances, and other important school functions is yet another area where my dh and I disagree.  My dh refuses to contact our bm in referance to these things with sd.  He says that she (the bm) never did for him, so why should he do it for her.  I tell him that he should not stoop to her level and that because she is sd's mother she should be notified.  He usually says that he refuses to make it easy for her.  I, being the step mom, take the same stance as your children's step mom does in these type of situations.  I don't contact the bm and let her know of said events because it's not my place to do so.  Also, if I did the bm would either take it badly or use it against me somehow by lying and saying that I said some horrible thing or told her the wrong date and/or time.  It would just simply somehow turn out to be an ugly situation.  I think the only reason I became involved w/ the Thanksgiving situation was because it would have directly affected my own plans for the day.  I think that what I'm trying to say is that step moms walk a very thin line between what is our responsibility and what isn't our responsibility.  It's a very tough job.  I wouldn't trade my sd for the world, but the bm.........now that's another story....lol......hey are you on the market for trading?????? lol

Thank you again for your comments to my post.
thair

[thairagain]

My sd is 13, however, sd almost always knows what her grandmother and/or aunt are planning, so having her make the phone calls is not the problem.  Mainly sd seldomly lets dh or I know in advance unless we ask what her plans are with them.  SD has been so used to making her own plans for herself, because when she was w/ the bm, the bm was usually too drunk or hungover, that she tends to forget to let dh and I know what they are.  We are working on this with her by implementing such things as no activities with less than a 24 hour notice, but I just didn't feel right enforcing such a thing for Thanksgiving.  If I hadn't asked sd and or the aunt, sd would have waited till Thanksgiving a.m. to tell us that her aunt was coming over to pick her up for a few hours! lol  SD is a great kid and is very mature for her age.  She is trying really very hard to integrate into our family; it's just very different for her.  As a matter of fact, today was a good example.  SD had gone to the grandmother's for their Sunday lunch and afterwards the aunt wanted to take her shopping at the mall.  A 13 year olds dream, right??? lol  Well, with her bm it would have been no big deal, she would have gone with her aunt without giving it a second thought, cause her mom would not have noticed the differance in the time.  But dh and I insist that she lets us know of any change in plans so that we have the option to say no if we have other plans.  So sd tried to call us, but I was out shopping and dh must have been outside or something and didn't hear the phone ring.  SD left a message telling us what she had called for and that if she didn't get a call back w/in 5-10 minutes then she would just have her aunt take her straight home since she didn't have our permission!  Her very own words!!!  I want your permission before I go, so I won't go if you don't call me back.  I was so very touched at how hard she tries to do the right thing.  Of course, when her aunt brought her home we told her that she could go to the mall and we were sorry that we missed her call.  She was so very happy!   Sorry I rambled; I was just proud of her and wanted to share it.....

You are right, though; she does need a good role model.  I really don't know if I'm the right one for her, but I try.  She is so very different from my boys.  I'm not sure if it's because she is a girl, or if it's because she craves a "mother figure" so very much.  She tells me everything.  Every day when she comes home from school she has to have at least 15 minutes or more of my time to share with me different events of the day.  It's so very cute.  The topics range from this teacher was so unfair...... to "Kelly" had a fight with her boyfriend today......or whatever.  I have to drag things like that out of my boys.....lol....my boys are 13 & 14.  So they are all about the same age.  I love my own boys very much.....but sd is special to me....always has been and always will be.  My dh says that we act like two sisters instead of child and stepmom.  

I did mention to dh today that I was considering having an early Christmas dinner.  I was surprised when he told me that he had already discussed Christmas day w/ sd and that sd was going to the grandmother's house for Christmas lunch.  He still doesn't know the times or who is transporting or anything yet, but it is more than I thought  he knew! lol  I will just wait for more information as the day gets closer.......sigh....

thair

[nosonew]

Regarding school info, I have a suggestion, How about asking the school for the info?  Most schools have yearly calendars which state when games are, parent teacher conf., important dates for all sorts of stuff.  But you actually have to go to the school to get it.  Even the dates for school pictures, etc., is on their calendar.  My dh used to complain he never knew about this and that, and I suggested he talk to the school, and voila!  No more problems!  Easy remedy to this problem.