RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH

[nosonew]

Unless bm has M.D. behind her name, she doesn't have a chance to fight it.  Our bm put my ss on 3 different anti-psychotic meds, (which he didn't need) and we HAD to give them to him or lose visitation.  It took 3 years in court and a child psychiatrist that specialized in these disorders to correctly diagnose ss and he concurred with us that he was completely misdiagnosed and didn't need any of the medications.  

So, although we were not in your shoes, it works the same way.  You get a prescription from a doctor, and she HAS to give it, or the kids DON'T go. And many meds have to be given daily or it can cause problems, so skipping the weekend dose is not an option.

[DMcD]

Well, that's encouraging. I don't want to drug him up and I would rather him not be on medication but his therapist says that his depression is preventing her from really getting to the issues and her therapy with YSS is compromised. The concern is that BM and her atty will argue that YSS wants to be returned and that I am not capable of taking care of him so I'm just trying to have him put on meds. Forcing BM to agree or taking away her decision making rights as a parent by bypassing her through the court is another concern. Frankly, I wish she would just tell YSS that it's OK if he likes it here and she won't be mad at him if he does. I think that will solve more problems than any pill ever could. Of course, she won't do that so we are in a position that he has a problem, BM exacerbates the problem by her crying and "oh, I miss you and wish you could home" bullsh*t that she lays on him and we can't do much about it without BM's consent. She would rather have him remain depressed until the next court date so she can give everyone a big "I told you so" than put him on a mild anti-depressant for two or three months to help him with the final stages of adjustment to our home. Either way, I don't think it look very good for her. No matter what happens, I hope that by the end of the school year, he will be happy and well-adjusted. I would hate for him to have to go through this crap every year. Thanks for your info and maybe the judge will see past the selfish desires of a poor excuse for a mother and see that she is refusing treament for her son to satify those selfish desires.

[nosonew]

Does it specify in your order that you CAN'T put child on meds if both parents don't agree?  If not, DO IT NOW!  Most dads I know want to do exactly what the c.o. says, "joint parenting=joint decision making" and that is fine EXCEPT when crap like this happens.  As residential parent, your dh (you're sm right?) can do this without her permission.  If she DOES NOT give the meds, the court may even yank visitation.  And, I take it, she doesn't have M.D. after her name...ha ha.

[DMcD]

It says all "major medical decisions" must be by agreement or parents can file for mediation, counseling, abitration or a hearing. The children's center that diagnosed him was contacted by BM and they asked me for a copy of the court order. They said that since BM doesn't agree, they cannot continue treatment per the court order. Since they can't continue treatment, they will not be able to renew his prescription, do med checks or do any further testing or treatment. This means that even if I were willing to do something that may be seen as a violation of the order, I couldn't because the children's center won't see him again without BM's consent or a court order allowing them to continue. They won't even see SD for an assessment.

DH's atty called the mediator who issued the recommendation to change custody. He hopes that she can provide some insight on how the court might view this and her opinion as a psychologist, a mediator and a lawyer. The atty also wants DH to call just to confirm that this is DH's decision and that I'm not acting alone regarding these issues. DH hasn't been able to contact BM about this, but hopefully, he will be able to reach her tomorrow. It is such a sensitive issue and it could look really bad for DH (YSS having problems because his dad isn't here, not wanting to be here, emotional upset due to seperation from BM, etc.) or it could look really bad for BM (denying needed medical treatment, placing her feelings above the well being of her child, etc.). It's going to look bad for someone, we just don't know who.

I know DH's absence is painful for the kids. I know YSS didn't really want to live with us, not at first, anyway. The problem with all of that is, the change of custody was recommended for very good reasons and the kids were not being taken care of while in BM's care. I have twice the kids and half the support network BM had and I still manage to get everyone's homework done every night, get them to the doctor for check-up's and sick visits, attend school meetings and special ed conferrences and still cook a well balanced dinner every night. BM never helped with homework, hadn't ever taken the kids in for a check up, hadn't ever taken the kids to see a dentist, rarely, if ever, contacted teachers when the kids brought home bad grades (which was all too often) and they ate out almost every night, which is why my YSS had a cholesterol reading of well over 200 DL. The only time they have missed a therapy session while they have been here was if they were on a visit with BM or it was over the winter holidays. BM couldn't even take them to see a counselor once in the three years she had a court order to put them into counseling. Not ONCE. There were and are serious problems in BM's home. This is only the documented issues. This doesn't even go into the emotional abuse, which we haven't been able to document well enough to prove.

To answer your other questions, yes, I am the SM. DH is away on deployment until March. I have been parenting his three kids and our three kids since late October. And no, BM doesn't have an M.D. behind her name. She's a clerk-typist. She barely got a diploma and was on welfare for about 8 years before she was forced to get a job. She's as dumb as a stone boat and completely overtaken by anger and hate. She is probably the most bitter, unhappy person I have ever met. My SIL said something that made a whole lot of sense. She told me, "This isn't about HER kids. She only wants to keep them because their HIS kids." My SIL is absolutely right on the money with that statement.

[nosonew]

That is really too bad. Hopefully when you get back to court, they will change the wording, etc.  Perhaps a case manager would be more appropriate than mediation, unless your mediator reports directly to the court.  Our case manager straightened out everything, in a short time, so, good luck, and keep us up to date on what is going on!

[DMcD]

We don't have a case manager. I don't even know if they have those in CA. How did you get one?

When I hear of a case manager in referrence to kids, I think a CPS case worker. Not that BM's current and prior actions aren't textbook child neglect, CPS has never been involved with her home and family or our home and family. I am curious, though. That sounds like something we could use. Can you give me some more info about it? Thanks.

[nosonew]

The judge appointed her.  She also does mediation, divorce counseling, etc.  But the case management is great.  From what I understand in our state, mediation discussions aren't reported back to the court, and that is what we needed.  I would imagine your attorney could request someone, whether a mediator or case manager that REPORTS back to the court and can make recommendations to the court based on 1. the two parties coming to agreement regarding issues, or 2. Her recommendation based on the facts of the case without total agreement between parties.  Good luck!  

[DMcD]

to resolve diferences and help the parents reach settlements without the kids getting dragged into court and all the emotional stuff that comes along with it. I have never heard about something like that being done in our state, but I think they should do that in every state on every case. If we were to ask for something like that, it would probably get referred back to mediation. Mediation is a good idea in therory, but if the parents don't agree, the mother is almost always the one who gets her concerns addressed. There is still way too much in the way of bias against fathers to really make that a viable solution in most cases. I'll keep you and everyone else posted on what happens. It looks like we're going to have to go to court AGAIN. Blah.

[TLWE]

McD.....I haven't been around in a while....but I am sending BIG hugs your way!