Kicked out of conference

[miredkitty]

Question...we recently attended school conferences for my SO's children.  When we arrived, we were informed that the ex had instructed the school not to discuss any information about the children with their father while I was present.  He has joint legal custody and there are no stipulations in the court order.  I have been involved in this relationship/family for 6 years and now this is the new game.  Is this legal?  Any suggestions on how to handle it?  

[Kitty C.]

What's the school's position on it?  Many schools will 'say' that they will not get involved in parental disputes or take sides and will follow any CO's.  BUT if they told you that you could not be there, that's EXACTLY what they are doing (taking sides) and you must point that out to them.  Go armed with the CO and tell them they have no right to not allow you to be included.  Go to the superintendent or the school board if you have to, but also go over their policies with a fine tooth comb first.

[dsm]

It's such a mind game, and very ridiculous.  No, it probably isn't 'legal', however, the school's standpoint on it is going to be that they were looking to avoid a confrontation.  Did you have the conference scheduled for the same time as PB?  If so, stop immediately with having the conference at the same time as her.  How good is your communication with the school - do they know you and your DH by face?  I would request a meeting with teacher, principal, etc, and bring a copy of your court order and state that her request is out of line and request that they work with your DH.  (It might be best at first if your DH have the meeting without you, or with you waiting just outside the office).  So much depends on what the school's attitude will be - have they been easy for y'all to work with before?  You say that you've been involved for 6 years - what grades are the kids in and how long have you been involved with the school?  

[wendl]

I go to every conference my dh has with his kids.

If it's a seperate conference from bm and its a conference between dh and the teacher dh should be able to have whomever he wants attend unless otherwise state in the court orders.

I would have dh contact the super and the principal of the school and bring along his court papers.  My dh also wrote the school stating that I have authorization to confer with teachers etc on his behalf due to his work schedule.

Hope this helps a little.

[MixedBag]

What caught my eye reading your post was that you said "SO" instead of "DH".....

There's a difference.

What changed?  You've been there for 6 years, did the school system change?

Personally, I think you should just do what my EX has had to do.  Get your SO to do a POA giving you the right (from him) to make decisions regarding the children.  You'll need this in other situations as well (medical comes to mind).  Or maybe a simple letter from him to the school will do the trick too.

If you're married, and there's joint custody, neither mom nor dad can say the new spouse (from either side) can't talk to the teachers and stuff if the step-parent has been given permission from their spouse.  Irritates the heck out of them, but that's the way it goes.

[miredkitty]

Thank you all for the advice.  We have discussed your responses and will be preparing a letter to the school requesting to review their policies to determine EXACTLY what the policy is.  If it does not specifically state that they will ONLY have discussion with ONLY "Blood Parents", then our next letter will be indicating that my SO (Significant Other, not husband, for 6 years) gives me POA to be present, request and act in his place or along with him.  The humorous thing is that I've been going to conferences and was even a "Team Member" for an IEP test for the one of the kids, but now she has a problem with it and is trying to make things even more difficult.  To answer the question of "what changed" - She was uncomfortable with the cooperation that SO was getting from the old school, so she pulled the kids and changed schools.  Now it's just a matter of getting everyone back on the same page.

Again, thank you all for your helpful advice.