My step-daughter has three fathers!!!!!

[NoNicky]

We went through that anxiety too.  Often and on my dh looked for his son over the years.  But she had told him it wasn't his and then when it came DNA time he was afraid.  Afraid to find out she had been telling the truth and it was another man's child.  If we'd ever been able to even see a picture of him before DNA testing he probably would have had no hesitation.  But rarely does a child look as much like his father as this boy does my husband.  He's a miniature of his father.  

The point is until you have some DNA evidence one way or another you will always be hostage to this woman's whims.  Today he is not the father, when the relationship she's in sours then she may change her mind again.  That's a lousy thing to happen to your dh and his daughter.  Neither of them are yo-yos, though she seems to think it's ok to treat their feelings like they are.  

Right now I'll do the only thing I know to do for you all.  I'll pray for you to have wisdom and guidance and know what is the "right" thing to do.

[anastasia]

You are all right in certain way.  We are not pursuing DNA (at least not by now).  WE are trying to rebuild the bond between my SD and my hub.  I already showed her her birth certificate, but she just overlooked it and put it aside. But the idea to put it in a frame...that I'll do.  Unbeleivable her relation with me has improved 100%, she kisses me, she hugges me; including the other day she was very upset, because BM organized a sleep over in my hub's week-end and my husband refused to it.  She asked my hub if she could talk to me.  She began to cry... I told her that she has to understand that her father has done a lot of sacrifices to come to see her and a lot of things (never talked Sh... about mom), but her BM was in the other phone and I could hear when she hung up and then I overheard her telling the kid what to say. She told me the most horrible things a kid could say.  She told me that she was been forced to visitation because her mom was going to get in trouble with court; that she hates us; that her life was perfect until we re-appear in her life and so on.

Well the thing is that she came for visitation and she noticed that I was kind of "upset" (I was just not feeling well that day, I understand what she's going through taht's why I don't get upset), and came to me and whispered in my ear "I'm sorry" and gave me a kiss.  I kissed her back and I told her "I love you".  It wasn't until she left that I realized that she was talking about the sleep-over day that she yelled at me.

This is happening probably because BM hasn't attacked me too much...I think.  But with her dad in totaly the contrary.  She doesn't want him to touch her, she doesn't call him DAD, doesn't use her last name, but SF's, she doesn't want to spend more time that the stipulated by court (as she has told us before).  

And beleive me or not, that is killing me too.

BM has told me that I haven't have kids because God was "giving me my part".  I told her that she was wrong because God has given me her daughter... That pissed her of.  To tell toy the truth, I was crying last night and asked God why He has given her three kids and He hasn't given me any ... I asked Him to forgive me ... but still hurts, because I have loved her daughter as mine, but I have to realize that she has her mom, good or not, but she is her mom.

God Bless you all

[NoNicky]

Your post touched my heart so much.  I remember what it was like not being able to get pregnant.  I did suffer from primary and secondary infertility.  That is why even though I was married 18 yrs the first time and never used birth control I only had 3 children.  We were married over 6 years before the 1st was born.  My heart aches for you.  It does seem so unfair some times.  

You are right.  She has her mom and that will never change.  But she has something just as if not more wonderful.  She has your love.  Love you have given freely, without reservation and with no strings attached.  One day she will see what a special gift that is.  One day she will understand that giving birth does not give you the ability to love unconditionally and you have loved her unconditionally.

She is making steps.  Cherish those.  There may be some backwards steps but that progress will not be totally lost.  It will be there and will come back.  She does love you...both.  Even if she does not feel free to express it at the moment.

I get so upset with bioparents who behave like her mother is.  I also feel sorry for them.  They have no idea that one day their actions will come back to bite them in the butt.  It's the give them enough rope thing.  Just like you will have to be patient for her to realize what a precious gift your love is her mother will patiently wait for her reward.  It will happen.  As she gradually sees more and more of your love and patience and unconditional acceptance she will see her mother's games and twists and manipulations.  It has taken 5+ years, all with no comments from me about the behavior of my children's father but slowly they see.  They comment to me about it.  I usually reply with he is your father, you need to love him, his love may not be perfect but it is all he knows how to give.  That is so hard to say.  I pray every day for the strength to be able to tell my children that.  

I understand how it is killing you too.  My dss uses the last name of his father.  It is even court ordered that way with our reluctant consent.  It was his name for 7 years before we found him again.  His mother wanted his last name changed to her last name at birth (which wasn't her maiden name, she'd changed it).  We told the judge that for ss's sake we thought it should remain the same and not be changed to dh's or what she wanted.  This was about him.  He was dealing with enough changes and did not need an identity change to be my dh's son.  

Frame the birth certificate.  Hang it in her room or someplace she will see it every time she is there.  Both of you keep telling her you love her and don't worry about bio mom's snide remarks.  One day your karma will run over her dogma!

Nicky

For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6

[anastasia]

Thanks for your words... Every thing has a purpose in this life... bad or good, but it has a purpose.

"For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind". 1 Peter 1:6

 Thanks for that.  Some times it's hard for me because I'm so far from my country and family. I'm from Puerto Rico.  But when I read this things, the e-mails that I receive, and I read that we are all here trying to give support to EACH OTHER, some times looking at your problems as ours, I come to realize that God has given me, given us a family... here.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND LET'S KEEP FIGHTING!!!!!!!

We are having visitation this week-end.  I'll let you know how it was on monday.

"NEVER GIVE UP; NEVER SURRENDER"

[NoNicky]

I'll be praying for you all!


For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6

[StPaulieGirl]

//www.conservativepetitions.com

I went there to sign a petition regarding Michael Moore's next anti American slamfest.  Then I thought that maybe, if enough people could come together and formulate....you know there are so many issues that we all deal with, we could spew out 100 petitions per day.  Anyway.  

Maybe this site can be of some use.