It never ends..... (long vent)

[oklahoma]

My husband walked out of his counseling appointment with his daughters absolutely furious.  Normally, we hang out for a while and let my SDs play with their brother and sister.  Not this time--he was out the door, didn't even say "goodbye" to the girls.  We barely had time to give them Easter stuff (we had it all ready BEFORE Easter, but SDs didn't show last week.)

Last time it was OSD absolutely insistent that "Daddy is a liar."  This time it was YSD--speaking to her father like no child should ever be allowed to speak--he's a liar, he wants to hurt them, he waited until I left to beat them (a few weeks ago, they both admitted there was just one "incident"--ever--in 11 years.)  Both just want him to be "consistent" and a "good dad."  I'm sorry, but isn't driving two hours one way to see your children for one hour every single week being a good dad?  Isn't skipping work, class, family activities just to make that drive being a good dad?  Isn't driving 16 hours every other weekend for visitation being a good dad?  My husband is an amazing father.  I considered myself lucky to marry a man with two children because I saw what type of father he would be to our children, and I loved what I saw!

As for the consistency thing, he simply told them that he was there last week, "Where were you?"  Every week that an appointment has been missed, it was because SDs or their grandma had something else.  We asked if someone else could pick up SDs, but BM refused citing the court order. (I'm sorry--she must have a different copy, because the copy we have says absolutely nothing about transportation and does not mention grandma's name.)  After that big mess and BM's absolute insistence that her mom bring the girls, their step-grandfather brought them to this appointment.  (I think he's ex-MIL's 6th or 7th husband--that a good stable family....)

Oh, and they want their dad to "take responsibility" for the "abuse."  Interesting how just last week the counselor spoke with BM and told her my husband was not going to take responsibility for any abuse.  The counselor further informed BM that she--counselor--did not believe that there was any abuse that had occurred and that the focus of the joint counseling would be simply to restore trust, and BM needed to cooperate.  BM flipped out and said she would accept nothing less than my husband admitting guilt.

My husband walked out the door and within 5 minutes had convinced himself not to go back.  They are old enough and smart enough to know better.  He will never turn his back on them--although for the first time he said that is what he felt like doing.  He just wants to leave things up to them.  It is too stressful for him and our family to deal with this every week.  Our 3-year old was so confused and worried the whole way home--so now he is being impacted by BMs/SDs actions too.  It is never going to change--the counselor said there was nothing she could do.  BM is NOT going to change.  The courts will NOT help.  Those girls are going to be so messed up.  Even at age 6, YSD was a "wild child" (BM's words) and could not be controlled by anyone except her Dad.  Three years ago, BM was sitting on MY couch crying because YSD was destroying her marriage.  Now BM has trained both of her daughters to lie, to talk back, to be completely disrespectful with no consequences.  Doesn't she get it?  Everyone--the girls, my husband, our family, BM, her family--are all suffering and will continue to suffer.

I don't know if my husband will follow through.  I am not a good advisor for him either--it aggravates me to no end to see what SDs are doing to my sweetheart.  In the past 18 months we have tried to place all the blame on BM, but it gets harder and harder every time my husband has to listen to his daughters spout off to him because they know they can.  I almost think that if he did finally say, "OK--it's up to you.  Let me know when you want a relationship," my SDs would shape up.

Grrrrrrrrr.......

[mango]

Your situation sounds a lot like ours. It is very frustrating when the S-kids contribute to the problem. You can't help by humanly feel hurt, betrayed, and want to give up. But that is BM goal, and the last thing you want to do is let that happen.

Our PAS is not at that level yet, it is still at the level that my SD only talks about us behind our backs. WHile with us she is fine. But I know it's coming.

I have also (we have) prepared ourselves for the day the child says she wants to stay at BM's and our time is cut off. It's coming soon, she is 10 now. But you have to look long-term at that point and think, in so many years they will be 18 and I can start my relationship again. If might be better to start fresh.

Hopefully it dosn't come to that and we just don't bash the otherside, and constantly teach good stuff, watch lots of Little House on the Praie, (she loves that show). Instill family values, and love. We hope that cancels out the hate, anger, revenge, beitterness, and lies that come fromt ehother end.
:-)

[TX]

I think one of the biggest mistakes we made is allowing the kids or the BM  to control our weekend visits. It was a party or some type or "important" event that would come up and my husband didn't want his kids coming on his weekends without them wanting to. A PAS parent will ensure the children have other events on visitation weekends. The control starts out slow so it's not all visitation weekends at first.  My husband and I both couldn't wait until the kids turned 18 and could think on their own, but it doesn't work that way. I think the time spent with their father should of been the top priority whether they wanted it to be or not. I think a relationship with a parent is far more important then a slumber with a friend they see all the time anyway.

[dumbo]

I disagree. Well in my case I disagree ex and I live 3 miles apart so if the kids have a social obligatio, (Party fro example) they still go eitherthe parent who has the weekend takes them or the pther parent provides transportation to and from the event. Not the whole weekend mind you just the event. If it is a whole weekend thing... Usually the kids want to make up the time withthe missed parent... but they do have a choice. We are talking teens here.

[oklahoma]

Last week my husband--after hours of agonizing--decided not to continue with joint counseling.  He was going to tell his daughters during the session on Monday that he would leave it up to them to let him know when they would like to pursue a relationship with him.  Prior to the appointment, he called to inform counselor of his intentions.  She, in turn and with my husband's permission, called BM.  Counselor wanted BM to be prepared for the girls' emotional state afterwards.

Well.....  BM took it upon herself to tell the girls that their dad was not ever coming back.  Obviously, all involved were upset, including the counselor. (According to my husband, the counselor is totally on his side now--as much as she can be as a "neutral" participant in this mess.  She is meeting with BM and is extremely frustrated.)

My husband could not say "no" to his daughters after they begged for him to continue.  He was able to express his concerns to them--namely that he is worried they will pull the same stunt (making up stories of abuse) the next time they are disciplined or don't get their way.

So, my husband drove the two hours again to their appointment yesterday.  He said his daughters have done a complete 180.  Instead of talking back and calling him a liar saying it will take a long, long time to trust him, YSD says he is a "9" on a scale of 1-10 and that she can trust him again completely in 2 weeks.  OSD was similarly ready to move on.  I really did think they just needed a good shock and to consider the fact that dad comes because he WANTS to not because he HAS to, and am glad that seems to be the case.

They agreed to move on to supervised visits by the end of May, possibly even before that.  Now let's see what new thing BM will try.  First she was absolutely insistent that ONLY her mother could take girls to the appointments, even though my MIL was willing and able--that was causing us to miss weeks because of scheduling conflicts.  (BM's mother's husband--her 6th or 7th--has brought SDs to last 3 appointments)  Now BM has decided the girls have scheduling conflicts so she changed up appointment times--so my husband will be missing tons of class, but he will go.  Court order says that counselor, girls, my husband and BM have to agree when it is time to start supervised visits... but if we land in court BM again will lose big time. (I can't imagine that she doesn't realize this too.)

[Peanutsdad]

Ok,

Im willing to bet she DOESNT realize it,, or refuses to accept it.

My own ex,, after having LOST custody and continuing to make poor choices,, honestly believes that she'll win custody on the final trial.

To top if off, she thinks moving 3 hours away,, has helped her case,, and remaining unemployed,, will do away with the cs order.


I still find it so totally amuzing,, she screamed for cs when she was cp,, but now,, shes the one ordered to pay,, OMG!!! its UNFAIR! and You'll NEVER get a dime.

Gotta luv them ex's. They keep us amused.