Need a pep talk

[avalon]

Two years, 15K, no movement in trying to get more time with SS. And my DH has a bogus restraining order against him since Dec that we can't get rid of.

At this point my husband is not allowed to go to his son's kindergarten graduation on June 11 due to his bogus restraining order (we'll be in court on June 8).

His ex called his sister to invite her!!!  She refused, saying she's supporting her brother, and the ex told her some crap about about how she and her children cannot be around the threat of violence (total bull).

If on June 8 it's deternmined that he can't go to the graduation due to her false claims I'm gonna blow a gasket.

As a second wife, I'm not sure how much more I can take. This is damaging our relationship and I just want to give up.

How do you all handle it??? It's permeated our new marriage (of almost two years) and it's toxic.

Rachel

[AggieMom]

The only thing I can add is, as much as you want to fight this battle for him, you CAN'T it is his to fight. Now I am not saying give up and leave the situation.  Just let him handle all the stuff related to his past to ensure your sanity and marriage.

We both choose to love our men knowing the situation that can arise when Dh has already had another family (may not pertain to you!) .  I said for better or worse and I meant it.  Now, I will say that somedays I was shouting at him about the more worse days then good, but when I stepped back and looked at myself, that was not the person that I wanted to be and that by me acting that way it only added more stress to the picture.    

I was were you are now a couple of months ago until finally I just sat my DH down and told him as much as I love you this is not healthy for me, for us, or for our child.  I decided to step back and let him handle everything, but gave the support when he needed it.  I am proud to say that we have a better relationship becasue he was constanly worried about how I was going to react to everything so he choose to let me take over the situation.  THAT FLAT OUT DID NOT WORK!  But when I choose to not get all wrapped up into his business, it had a way of working out for the better. Not to mention Ms. EX not longer could come to me complaining, I was not there for that to happen.  

This may not work in your case.  I currenly (who knows how long this will last with the system) have custody of my SD and as hard as it is sometimes to stay out when he deals with the EX and her family, I do it for their sake.  I raise her and I take care of her.  She knows that I am there only to help her and not get between her and her mother's nor her and her father's relationships.

Again this may not work in your situation, but we all have to weather some rain to get through the strom.  I am still in the constant custody battle that will never end, but I just try not worry about it anymore, vent to someone outside of the picture, and constantly gather and document everything that I can!  I hope this helps!

And know that you are not going through this ALONE!  We all are either where you are now or have been there or we would not be on this sight today!!

Your in my thoughts and Prayers!
~~Cinnamon/AggieMom~~

[hisliltulip]

Hmmm, you sound just as protective of your DH as I am of mine.

I know it's hard.  Life is unfair.  I have learned over the past three years that the Child Court Arena is extremely off kilter.

DH now has custody of SS, but the headaches still have not ceased.  We just have different one's now.

Hang in there.  DO NOT let this affect your marriage.

DH's custody fight actually brought us closer together in the end.  But it is one hell of a fight to get to where we are, and it's still not exactly what we wanted.

Breathe.  Take a date night.  Be a couple.  Don't let this take over your lives.  It will eat you alive if you let it.

Don't stew before court.  Go in calm and peaceful.

Not sure where your faith lies, but before DH testified, I found a quiet corner in the courthouse, took him to it and prayed with him.  He said it really helped, he felt an incredible amount of peace while on the stand.

Know that you are not alone in this battle.  When I found this site, I was AMAZED at how many people were going through the same things we were.

Keep coming back.

[mango]

I feel the same way. Stuck in a situation where my DH is in contant battle with ex.  It is sooooo hard to stay out of it when it affects sooooo much of my life and my own childrens life, and our livees together as a family.

It takes money way from their (my kids) future. Money away for vacations, and fun stuff, we are constantly working around this court order. We can't take our vacations when we want to, ex is inflexible.

My husband works so much overtime to get caught up with the attorney fees. As soon as we start getting out of the hold, we are in court again!

Not to mention that we have NO privacy because SD tells every detail of our lives, and it always comes back as something worse. I can't even neglect some house work without it being said that my house is a mess or something.

I have to stop caring but how? When does affect me?

[avalon]

Thanks everyone!

I'm so wrapped up in this...I'm the take charge person. My DH is not "equipped" to learn all the legal stuff, so I do it. He has no money so I pay for the lawyer (and he hasn't even offered to work more to pay for it ), which takes away funds for my daughter.

He really needs to "own" this, before I build up too much resentment!

Rachel

[AggieMom]

My husband WAS the same way about being "not equipped".  So when he comes across something that he can not handle, I do it.  That is the support thing I was talking about.  

It is VERY hard, I am the bread winner in our family, and it does take away from the money for our child and us.  I was the very same way!  I would get so mad I would want to leave because of the money, we even spent our down payment on our house on his attorney.  My mother-in-law, who is the greatest person in the world, told me to stop thinking of her as a step child but like she is a child sent to me from god for some reason to take care of and FIGHT for.  Money means nothing in the end if you never used it for the right reasons and you can not take it with you when you go. Love and family ='s HAPPINESS not money!   Sounds crazy, but has helped.  

I have fought for four years to get this child away from things that a normal five/six year old should have never experienced or seen.  We have spent money out the wazoo and still are constantly paying to keep her with us.  But I guess we will win in the end and maybe one day we can go on vacation and buy a house and hopefully look back and laugh!

Hope this helps!
~~AggieMom~~

"I would rather fail with honor then succeed by fraud."    Sophocles

[sweetnsad]

It's hard to "step back", but that's exactly what you need to do if you want to save your marriage...I had to...I have "disengaged" myself from the whole situation to preserve what little sanity I had left...plus, I have a daughter from a previous marriage and I am pregnant with my second child with my DH....I needed to be a mother and wife to my children and husband, not a mediator for my DH and his ex.  Don't get me wrong, I am very supportive of whatever he needs, but I don't get in the middle....It helps.  And it works.

Good luck....(((HUGS)))

[Xcowgirl]

First, listen to what the other gals have said...It is his fight....I know it is hard, but only be there if he ask you to do something...

I no longer do anything unless he asks me to.

Two years at this - your an old pro...I have been "dealing" dealing with this for over 7 years...It get's better..trust me...

I don't know the details of the restraining order - but how was she allowed to get one with no proof?

I know here in MI - they hand them out like candy...the courts are a JOKE!