Blended Families

[hisliltulip]

DH and I are "considering" getting pregnant in a couple of years.  We can't before then because I have to have knee surgery and recovery time on both knees before we can even think of me getting pregnant again.

Here's our situation...

DH has son from his first marriage (right out of highschool), whom is nine.  Mother has custody, we have every other weekend and Mother is extremely lenient in extended time when he is not in school.  Oldest would be 11-12 when baby came along.

DH has son from second marriage (rebound girl she got caught cheating three months after wedding and he found out she was very into drugs) who is currently five that DH has custody of.  BM is a pain (to put it mildly).  She has ss Wed overnight, Friday afternoon until Monday morning everyother weekend.  Works up to Tues and Wed overnights with everyother weekend next year, as long as she gets him to school on time in the mornings.

I have a son from my first marriage (BD has bipolar with psychotic overtones) who is also five that I have custody of.  His Dad sees him about once a month for a weekend.

Both the little boys would be 7-8 when baby came.

Of those who have come into a marriage with dynamics close to ours, my question is this.

If you had additional child(ren) together, how did the kids handle it?  Did it bring you closer together as a family unit, or do they feel out of it?

If you chose not to risk it by having any more, do you regret it?

DH and I both would really like another child.  But we are both afraid of how the kids we already have will respond.  We don't want to screw these kids up!

Any enlightenment would be helpful!

Thanks

[Genie]

you shouldn't let that stop you from having one if that is what you want.

Think of it this way - If you were an intact marriage where the other children are all you and DH's, would you consider their feelings if you wanted to have another one?  Probably not.

It is the same here. Yes, it is a different situation but that doesn't mean things should change. We told my SKs all along that we were going to have children together. We were up front about it.  

That is what you should do here too. Let them know you are going to have another child next year now and let them get used to the idea. Don't act like it is up to them or ask for their permission or ask if they would like that or not. Just bring it up in conversation regularly and they will won't be shocked when it happens.

If any of them have a problem with it, you will find out ahead of time and can deal with it before hand. However, I would not let that stop me from going ahead and getting pregnant.

Remember, children do not tell you what you can and can't do with your life. They don't run the show, you guys do!!

[hisliltulip]

I'm not going to let the boys make the decision.  That is between my husband and I.

But as we have three children from three seperate relationships, we are wary to compound the confusion for the kids.

[nosonew]

I had a son who was 5, DH had son who was 4 when we met.  We now have two little girls, 3 and 1. The boys are now 15, 14.  THEY LOVE their little sisters, the girls adore the boys.

I would say it has made us feel more complete, not just DH and I, but the boys too.  I actually think that had something to do with ss wanting to live with us.  The oldest little one used to cry when he would leave, she just couldn't understand why he had to go.  He would also sneak over after school a couple of times per week just to see the oldest girl when he lived with his mom.

It in NO way hurt our relationship, or that of the older kids.  However, they NEVER babysit.  (30 min. max for a trip to the store occas, is all). That way they can't feel like the girls are a "burden" to their social life!

Good luck!

[mango]

Do what's in your heart, otherwise you might regret it. Kids adjust and things change as the kids get older. Maybe BM from DH second marriage will chill out by then.

Sounds like the rest is going pretty well.

[hisliltulip]

Life is stressful at this point, but I am happy.

We made a decision not to talk about it until after surgery and all.  We might feel completely different in two years.

I just have "baby" on the mind.  We have had 15 new babies at church the past two months and they are all adorable.

Thanks for the input, I appreciate it!

[hisliltulip]

I agree with the babysitting aspect.  I spent all of my jr. high and highschool years practically raising my younger siblings.

There is a lot of hard feeling from me on this and my bro and sis.  They remember calling me Mom because I took care of them more than our Mom did (She went back to college, never home...)

Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it.

[makcdk]

I have one child from a previous and my dh has 3 from his ex and we have one together.  The 5 of them have grown up together.  My child thinks of his children as he brothers and sisters.  The one we have together loves her half bro. and sisters to death and like wise.  It is hard to let them go though.  After we have spent all summer with them, my children cry when they have to leave.  Bm live in another state and we don't get to see them very often now.  She did live in our town and that is why the children became so close.  It is hard to watch your children go through this but worth every minute to see the smiles on their faces when their borther and sisters return.  I say go for it if that is what you want.  It can be very rewarding.  

Good luck

[sweetnsad]

I will tell you my opinion only because I have done this...I am currently a week away from giving birth to my second child with my second husband....he has three children (8, 6, and 4) from his first marriage and I have a six year old daughter from my first marriage.  We have a 13 month old together.  

The only person that seemed bothered by the fact that we brought more children into the family was my husband's first wife.  It bothered her a great deal....she saw it as very threatening because it meant that she could no longer hold his kids over his head.   It also meant that where we had a family of our own and children to support, her chance of getting spousal support was denied based on his ability to pay.  It was absolutely impossible for him to pay her cs and ss based on his income and the amount of children that needed support.  Also, she chose not to have more children after the last one was born, so now she can't have anymore.  

The children adjusted very, very well....they were very excited when their sister was born and they are just as excited for this baby....they don't feel left out when they are all together...in fact, they feel like part of a big happy family.  

Now, I'm not saying this will happen in EVERY blended family situation, but it did work out for us....my only advice is this:

If you and your husband want to have more children, don't let your current children dictate your happiness....you are entitled to bring more kids into your life if that is what you choose to do....and if it's something that you feel strongly about and decide not to do based on your kids' reactions, you may regret it later...in fact, I can almost guarantee you will.   The children WILL adjust....and they are at a great age to understand.

I hope this helps.:-)