Tables have turned on me...PLEASE HELP ME!!

[Sunshine1]

ok.  I am a BM and a SM 2 are mine 2 are his, we all live together.

My ex and I have always been able to work everything out.  We haven't had ONE issue that couldn't be resolved in 4-5 years.  We went through the motions of divorce court but remained amicable and even did/do family gatherings together for the kids.

That all has come to a crashing, drop down, drag out hault!!  My ex has gotten remairred, and she has now made it her place to wig out on me about every 3 weeks or so.  She takes everything extremely seriously even the most friendly gesture has been turned around to me trying to get him back..eeeewww  YUCK!!  Anyway, she has flipped her wig I swear.  I have tried to get along and that has just turned around to slap me in the face.  We have never had problems until this nightmare of a woman came along.

I do not want to become the PBFH, so I have asked him repeatedly to keep her away from me, and that I only deal with him, and calmly explained that we definatley have a conflict here that wasn't here before, so to keep things from always resulting in he said /she said, keep her away from me so everything is not so stressful.

Nope can't do it, he has pushed her on me every chance he gets telling me it is not my decision whether she is to be around or not it is his.  He was trying to force her on me at a very crucial dr.s appt for our son and I said NO WAY, because the day before she sat and left me nasty messages and threatened her life and her unborn child's life and was talked to by the sheriffs dept because he called her in.  

Am I crazy in thinking she is a total nut caase here?  There are 3 very questionable incidents regarding the supervison of our children while in his/her care that make me so nervous for the summer.  I told him no summer because she is nuts, but I said that in the heat of battle.  There is no set visitation but I usually set up 2 weeks at a time with him.  She scares me man, who knows if she is going to kill everyone around her.

Anyone got any pointers on how to handle my new crazy step mom.  I am willing to try anything to get along with her but seriously this calling me every other weekend out of the blue about something she doesn't like about her life has got to stop.  I have proof these calls are completely unprevoked because I try to say as little as possible to her.

After all this mess and I asked him to keep her far away, she called me at work today to ask me about sports this weekend.  I calmly and politely said  Bio dad can call and talk to me about it and I hung up. Hell no we turned that all around on me and told Bio dad that I cursed her out and that I screamed at her and the whole nine yards...she completely lied to him.  

Someone, anyone.  I am used to dealing with the NCP/BM of my step children but this is like it is in reverse on me.  I am desperate for any advice.

[4honor]

Remeber that you can insult your family, but when someone else does it you close ranks... so say NOTHING to your ex about her behavior it will only make him protect her.
 Second, when she calls you at work don't "force her out" and insist that you will only discuss things with your ex, tell her that calling at work unless it is an emergency creates problems, and that maybe you could "talk later, thanks, oops gotta go".  Maybe drop a hint that her calling is threatening your job, which will mean more CS  from the ex if you get fired... and you are sure she wouldn't want that.
Obviously this woman wants to be part of this. The more your push her away the more alientated she feels... and the more trouble it will cause for you in the long run. Grit your teeth, smile as if your child is standing there, and deal with her as if she is sane.

[joni]

Has she always been crazy or is it heightened because she's pregnant?  I'm also thinking that she's got self esteem problems which are aggravated by the good relationship that you have with her husband.  Maybe it's jealousy.  It's definately insecurity.

I'm a SM and avoid the BM at all costs.  The BM is so threatened by my good marriage and my good relationship with her child, I don't even want her to set eyes on me because she freaks.  Last time we did at the Christmas exchange, she ripped her child, who was hugging me good bye, out of my arms.  That's the last time I saw the BM.  I won't have to see her for another year, at her child's communion.  It's easy for me to pull this off, she lives in NY, we're in IL.

You're absolutely right, she's got no business getting in the middle with your child.  She's only going to resent you more the more you tell her that.  It's really up to your Ex to put her in her place and keep the perspective here.  Sounds to me like he doesn't like confrontation, otherwise she would have been put in her place right now.  He's avoiding handling it from your perspective and definately dropping the ball with her.  Ergo, the need for her to be in the middle because she's not getting validation from him either.

4Honor gave you good advice as a different way to approach this, to redirect the focus.  

Pushing her away is blowing up on you and not working.  Do you think this would work?  Maybe she's just looking for validation from you and not alienation.  What if you went to have coffee with her and reassured her about her relationship with your children and how you appreciate everything that she does for them (bite your tongue) and how lucky your kids are to have her as a SM (many of us would love to hear that!).  

Remind her that there are limits because they are not her children and there's some things left to you and your Ex only, like Doctor appointments, teacher stuff.  Also explain to her your perspective, how you feel she wigs out on you.  Ask her how she feels and why she's doing that.  Maybe all she needs is to be heard and validated.

Maybe if she gets some validation of your respect, given her hormones and what not, it may help her settle down.  Maybe when she has her own child, that'll take some of the attention away.

[Peanutsdad]

>ok.  I am a BM and a SM 2 are mine 2 are his, we all live
>together.
>
>My ex and I have always been able to work everything out.  We
>haven't had ONE issue that couldn't be resolved in 4-5 years.
>We went through the motions of divorce court but remained
>amicable and even did/do family gatherings together for the
>kids.
>
>That all has come to a crashing, drop down, drag out hault!!
>My ex has gotten remairred, and she has now made it her place
>to wig out on me about every 3 weeks or so.  She takes
>everything extremely seriously even the most friendly gesture
>has been turned around to me trying to get him back..eeeewww
>YUCK!!  Anyway, she has flipped her wig I swear.  I have tried
>to get along and that has just turned around to slap me in the
>face.  We have never had problems until this nightmare of a
>woman came along.


Gang,, look,, shes BEEN trying to be amicable, with no good result.
>
>I do not want to become the PBFH, so I have asked him
>repeatedly to keep her away from me, and that I only deal with
>him, and calmly explained that we definatley have a conflict
>here that wasn't here before, so to keep things from always
>resulting in he said /she said, keep her away from me so
>everything is not so stressful.
>
>Nope can't do it, he has pushed her on me every chance he gets
>telling me it is not my decision whether she is to be around
>or not it is his.  He was trying to force her on me at a very
>crucial dr.s appt for our son and I said NO WAY, because the
>day before she sat and left me nasty messages and threatened
>her life and her unborn child's life and was talked to by the
>sheriffs dept because he called her in.  


Ok,, who did the sherriff talk to? Her or you? Frankly, if a new spouse was leaving threatening or harrassing messeges on my home, cell or work phones, I would be filing a restraining order. Immediately. Then perhaps the ex would get the messege to rein her in.



>Am I crazy in thinking she is a total nut caase here?  There
>are 3 very questionable incidents regarding the supervison of
>our children while in his/her care that make me so nervous for
>the summer.  I told him no summer because she is nuts, but I
>said that in the heat of battle.  There is no set visitation
>but I usually set up 2 weeks at a time with him.  She scares
>me man, who knows if she is going to kill everyone around
>her.


What were the incidents?


>
>Anyone got any pointers on how to handle my new crazy step
>mom.  I am willing to try anything to get along with her but
>seriously this calling me every other weekend out of the blue
>about something she doesn't like about her life has got to
>stop.  I have proof these calls are completely unprevoked
>because I try to say as little as possible to her.
>
>After all this mess and I asked him to keep her far away, she
>called me at work today to ask me about sports this weekend.
>I calmly and politely said  Bio dad can call and talk to me
>about it and I hung up. Hell no we turned that all around on
>me and told Bio dad that I cursed her out and that I screamed
>at her and the whole nine yards...she completely lied to him.
>

In that case, file a restraining order. record calls at work, or TELL her when she calls that all calls are recorded.




>
>Someone, anyone.  I am used to dealing with the NCP/BM of my
>step children but this is like it is in reverse on me.  I am
>desperate for any advice.

Sorry,, shes a lot like my ex,, any chance shes bipolar off meds? If thats the case, the best interaction is none.
>

[Sunshine1]

Yes thank you Peanut!!  I have tried the whole lets talk about this, I know you want to be apart of their lives and that is great...but she has gone overboard.  She is not bi-polar that I know of, she is definately something though.

I thought the restraining order was a bit much, but she gets one more chance out of the 10 I have already given her.  My ex has only been with this woman for 6 months...TOTAL.  He married her around February I think.

The incidents include ...that I know about...calling me in front of the children and letting me have it, My oldest suffered a permanent front tooth loss, that will need to be repaired throughout his life..(i know this was a borderline accident...but she thinks it is comical, and that makes me want to slap her silly)  The one that is very fresh was last week; we have a disabled child and he somehow managed to jump off his top bunk bed at his dad's house and break his foot.  The supervision is VERY lacking.

I just feel helpless that I have to deal with this nutcase and still let the children go there. This whole next week they will be there under the not so watchful eye of their stepmother...it really bothers me, only because of what has happened in the last 2 weeks, I completely trust them with their dad.

I have informed him that I will be scheduling mediation and that I did not marry her and divorce her, so therefore I have no reason to have to discuss ANYTHING with her.  I said if the children are there and she absolutely needs to speak to me, well I may have to tolerate it, but otherwise he can not tell me I have to speak to her regarding the children.  I also will only speak to him through messages and letters because the conflict needs to be eliminated, and this is what she has made it come to.

He seemed fine with that, I guess.  I get to spend an hour with her at a soccer game today, and I'm sure if looks could kill, I would not be posting tomorrow. LOL!

Thanks guys for all your help, keep that advice coming, I need it.

[mango]

Try the sweet approach. Maybe typ a nice letter like the one I was considering sending. I just havent had the nerve yet. I am the otehr side of the coin. I am the unwanted step-mother. The mother doesnt want me at any function or even to have a relationship with her daughter. She feels threatened by me. It's silly really. Her daughter will always love her real mother more, so I don't know why she is so nervious.

I guess I just thought she should be happy I provide a nice envirnment for her daughter, but instead she is threatened by it.

>>>
Dear XXXX,

Over the years we may not have seen eye-to-eye on all things regarding XXXX. I would like to ease some tension that may be between us, so we both can feel more comfortable with our everyday lives, and XXXX can have a happy and healthy childhood. As a mother I understand the love for our children, and I only want the best for XXXX and you. I would like to meet with you as mother-to-mother and talk about our roles in XXXX life. Now that I have become a mother myself, I can understand how you must feel having another female figure in XXXX life. That is why I am writing you this letter.

Like you, I only want the best for my children, and feel that it is time for us to start understanding each others feelings and move forward with our lives and try to have a new beginning. I am not asking you to be my best friend, but just the opportunity to get along, and resolve conflict among ourselves. I know this may be difficult in the beginning, however, if you grant us the opportunity to learn more about each other it could lead to a less arduous life for you, me, and mostly XXXXXXXX.

I hope you consider meeting with me.

Thank you
XXXXXX