Discipline Questions...

[Mellybug]

Hello, again!

The tables have TRULY turned, and Kitty will be able to understand exactly what I'm talking about!

On Thursday I had a tubal ligation. My fiance had volunteered to help out his boss Saturday morning, forgetting that I was still going to be laid up due to surgery. Since we've had them for the past 3 weekends, I asked if maybe PBFH would mind having them Friday night, and have my fiance pick them up Saturday when he was done. It would really help me out tremendously.

She said absolutely not. She only had them two nights! She says that ever since they came back from visiting my family in Michigan, they wouldn't listen to a single thing she told them! She says she can't handle them and she needs a break!

My fiance told her that they behaved PERFECTLY the entire weekend, including the 11 hour drive there and the 9 hour drive back! (I was actually a bit surprised myself that they did so well!). He told her that since her older son is the same way with her, it must be HER that is not MAKING them behave. He told her that WE never have any problems like the ones she complains of. She says then I shouldn't have any problems with them now, even after surgery.

The problem now is this: My fiance is certain that he can MAKE them behave when they are at her house. He says that they need to learn to respect ANYONE they are with, including her. I agree, it's a great concept, but HOW!?!?! He says that they'll start being disciplined at OUR house for not behaving at hers. I'm afriad that it will keep them from wanting to BE at our house, and I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions? He's become such a LOVING child with me (it's really a HUGE 180). He actually has become physically violent with her, kicking her and hitting her. She just says, "Now, honey, stop."

ANY suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Mellybug

[Kitty C.]

I can definitely relate, Melly!  But unfortunately, she is going to have to do it on her own, even if it means taking a parenting class to get a handle on things.  But the one thing you canNOT do is to discipline them for what happens in her home and vice versa.  It's like putting a line in the sand and daring them to cross it.  Now, if it was 'carry-over' discipline, that's a different situation.  Like if something happens at her house, she FINALLY gets tough and grounds them from something for a certain length of time that extends into your time and can be done in your home (ex. taking away video game time or phone time), then I would think that would be okay.

We've been thru that BS before, where PBFH threatened to cut in on SS's time with us because of something he did or didn't do.  DH put a screeching halt on that!  He informed her that she cannot use his time in ANY way as a form of punishment, or she'd be explaining herself to a judge.  Surprisingly, that's all it took!

Bottom line, she needs to learn how to discipline her kids, and she better learn fast!  But if she keeps complaining, maybe your fiance might mention to her that a 'temp. reversal of custody' might be in order.  Wanna see how fast she moves to rectify the situation after that?
;-)

[wendl]

It would really be hard to disapline the kids at your house for what they may or may not do at moms house.  Each house has seperate rules and that parent needs to make sure the rules are followed.

I know its hard, at our house we have strict rules and at moms hmmm no comment.  My DH teaches his kids they need to respect the adults around them etc.

But you really can't punish them for something he said she said that you didn't actually see.

[Mellybug]

What I have decided upon (and confirmed with a counselor that this was a good way to go about it) is this:

They get rewarded for good reports from their mother, but they do not if they get bad reports.

We have a chart & sticker system. They have chores on the chart and "special assignments". Once they complete ALL of the chores/assigments, they get a treat (bag of M&M's, soda, candy bar, etc.). One of these "special assigments" is being good at mommy's. Seems silly, but in it's first week of implementation it's going rather well.

They weren't "good" in the way we wanted them to be, but they weren't disrespectful to her in public, which was the biggest behavioral problem.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

M

[LizaLou1]

I can relate, but in reverse.  I agree that it is my responsiblity to teach DD to respect others, but I can't "make" her respect her dad's rules.  I've vented here before over the fact he wants me to punish her for his rules, many of which I don't agree with.   For example, I have no problem with her walking round the house in her sock feet.  That is a major no no at his house.

While he seems to be getting my point,  I continue to be surprised by him.  In May I picked up DD at his parents' house (because he asked me to)  and offered them 2 or 3 days to visit when school was out.  This was not taking away from Dad's time it was adding to.  But, he got all mad and said it was his job to let DD visit his parents not mine.  DD was so upset.  In retrospect it occured to me that he thought I was circumventing his punishment tool.  DD normal punishment at his house is that she does not get to visit her grandparents.   Nothing to do but walk away from that one.

LizaLou