SD being manipulated, ing

[Ref]

Yesterday was a bad one. Sd is here for 6 weeks this summer. DH just won that a month ago through mediation. Now BM is calling (our 800# for SD) everyday, emailing her long messages and IMing all the time.

I don't know the contents of the email or IM but I know the effect. It has been less than a week that SD has been here and she is sooo homesick. BM has tried before, failing miserably. She has told her of how her pets miss her. She brings up what her friends are up to and what she is missing out on. She tells her of her broken heart because SD is not there.

This year it is working. SD told DH last night that she misses her friends and her mom and she wants to return 2 weeks early. Funny, because that is the exact time frame PBFH tried to get during mediation. SD said "it is my life there". Funny, those words and in that context was written in a letter from PB to DH and PB used those exact words in mediation.

SD busts on DH because he has no college. How do we tell her that PB has been in college for 10 years has hardly worked and probably wont get a job when she gets out (no she isn't a dr), that BM is a loser and DH has been supporting himself and SD and BM for those 10 years through his hard work and has little chance to go to college because of the resposiblilities.

What should we do? PBFH turns the phones off whenever she is mad at DH. We have never done that, but are really considering it. We are considering avoiding the computer as much as possible. DH wants to write a letter to PB about the effects of the conversations she is having with SD, but how do you word "stop doing what you are doing because it is working for you"? I hate the thought of limiting the communication she has with her mom, but the communication that is going on is so hurtful.

I really need advice. DH was on the brink (or over the brink) of crying last night about this. I can't stand to see him this way.

[KAT]

The best thing we ever did was get a telephone with a ringer OFF switch. If you have more then one phone in the house, pretend to have problems, change them out or remove them except for the one with the ringer switch. Let her tell it all on voice mail (with time/date of course). Do NOT let that woman manipulate that child & YOUR HOUSE in that fashion. Limit her computer time or just none at all. Have a friend *borrow* the computer for the next few weeks.
Bio is only getting to you because you guys are allowing it. Take control NOW. If there is no court order stating that bio has to have contact every single day then to hell with her. You can't be found in contempt if it's NOT in the court order.
I'd also tell SD that the reason DH hasn't gone to college YET is because he has to WORK A JOB to financially support HER and HER MOTHER.  I used to be all for not telling the kids anything bad about the other parent, but you want to know something? It doesn't always work!!!!! I'm not sure who made this the holy grail of divorced parenting but this kind of information needs to delt with on a personal level. I don't think that telling your SD why DH hasn't been able to attend college yet is wrong at all. It's the truth & it doesn't say anything bad about bio, it makes him look like the hero! We didn't say a bad word about bio and we lost. The kids believed every single rotten thing biohag said & then some.  Maybe if they had just learned 1/10 of what that rotten skank was about, things would be different today. She alienated with her lies & in the end destroyed them. They have little chance of having any kind of life EVER. Both are 8th grade drop outs, into drugs & have criminal records. To bio, this isn't really a bad thing since it's the way she lives her life as well.
Good Luck!
KAT
PS, I'll never forget SS telling me that bio had to steal as it as was the only way she could support her family. Praying on the sympathy of children because they love their Mommy unconditionally is unforgivable. I'm not real religious, but I will say this: God knows all...and he waits.

[StepmomInSC]

ohhhh do i know how you feel.  Last year my son came here for the summer.  We have custody of him now.  But, when he first got her his mother pulled the same thing.  Called everyday, emailed, instant messaged and even mailed him letters saying how much she missed him and told him everything his friends were doing.  All the same things you have said.  Thank god my son was smart enough to see right through her.  He knew when he came last summer that he was not going back home.  He told her when he got here that he wanted to stay here with us.  We went to court soon after he was here and the judge gave us custody.  Long storywhy i wont get in to it.
But all I can tell you is this.  What we did was this.  We let her talk to him but informed her that she couldnt talk to him like she was.  If she did we would end the phone call.  If son looked like he was getting upset we would take the phone and end the call.  Yes its cruel but you have to nip it in the bud.  We informed her that we would be reading all emails and Im's and that we would be saving everything.
It took a week or two but eventually she chilled out a little.  
How old is your SD?
If old enough explain to them that she is just trying to make him feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from her.  Thats its normal and that he should not let her get to him. Mother loves and misses him just as he should love and miss her.  ask this question.  If you were at summer camp do you think mommy would do the same thing?

more than likely she wouldnt.  It kind of makes them realize that she is only doing it because she doesnt want them to be around father.

My ex was and still somewhat is the same way.  She doesnt want me and my new family to have anything to do with son and daughter.  We have custody of the son but I am still fighting for my daughter.

[stepmom74]

  I know just how you feel.  Everytime my SD comes to our house for long periods of time her mother will call and tell her how much she misses her and tells her of all the things she bought her while she's been gone and how she can't wait to show her when she gets home.

  When my SD is talking to her she has to say "I love you too" about a 100 times in the conversation.  It of course makes her homesick and also makes her think that material objects equal love. (If you don't buy her something that means you don't love her as much as her mother does.)

  Unfortunately, we have told my SD to tell her mother she has to go and just say goodbye.  I can't say it's helped but it does get her off the phone and away from the manipulation sooner.  Usually within the hour she has forgotten about the conversation.  Maybe you should change your email address so she doesn't know your new one and just have her talk on the phone when neccesary.  She can still get a hold of you but you might be able to tell her mother that she doesn't have much time to talk because you are busy.

  I feel for you and your husband.  My husband and I have had many hard times with his ex and after 10 years you'd think it would get easier but it doesn't.  I can't wait until the day we won't have to deal with her on a weekly basis.  

  I hear a lot about bad fathers but women can be more spiteful that any man I know and they just put the children in the middle of it.  It is so sad.

Good luck to you

stepmom74

[Ref]

I don't know how to handle this. The other day SD asked to call her mom. What was I gunna do, say no? So I gave her the phone and she used a calling card that BM had given her. She shut herself in her room and then, well, I did something I am not too proud of. I listened in on the call.

During the call, SD was complaining about DH. She had told her version of what had happened. What she had said about her "I wanna go home early" conversation with DH made him sound mean. He is not like that and she  said thing that I know DH wouldn't say. BM ate it up. I only heard SD's side of the conversation, but after she said these lies there would be a pause and she would say "I KNOW!" or "that's what I told him" or something like that. BM was obvoiusly behind all of this.

I am pissed at BM for encouraging this and making things harder on SD and DH, but that is nothing new. I am furious at SD because she is a manipulator and a Lier. OK she is 13 and that is what she is supposed to do. My logical side knows that. I can't help it though. I am pissed.

She gets off the phone with her mom and I am in the next room at the time. She comes out and gives me a huge hug (she always hangs all over me) and starts kinda dancing with me. This is normal loving behavior she has shown me for years. It just made me even more angry with her. I couldn't say ANYTHING though because I had just done something I wasn't too proud of.

DH woke up and came downstairs and she sat on his lap and hugged him and the day went on like nothing happened. I think I have to just not trust her anymore.

To all of those parents (i have no bio kids), is this something all parents have to deal with. You always have to suspect your child of manipulative behavior?

DH wants to have a 3 way call with BM and SD to discuss the new visitation arrangements and to try to straighten out the facts. He feels SD will buckle to the truth if he is there. It wont matter anyway. BM will think DH is forcing SD to change her story and she will still be convinced that DH is cruel because that is what she wants to believe. SD will be upset and will hate being here (even though she acts happy and thrilled to be here when mom hasn't been in her face every second).


Sorry for the vent. It is so distressing to be pissed at this beutiful little girl.

[joni]

your SD is the victim of an abusive relationship...her mother is emotionally abusive to her.  BM makes the SD feel guilty and bad about loving you guys.  BM is always ripping on your DH to SD...that's emotional abuse.

children are smart, they need to know what to do to survive.  your SD is telling mom what mom wants to hear to keep mom happy.  it has nothing to do with you or your husband.  your SD is trying to survive in her mother's world.  not a nice place to live....you know this.

here's a great book to read, the Four Agreements.  it really helps to put things  back in perspective.  the web site is //www.miguelruiz.com.  The book was recommended to several people on this board to me and it really helped to clear my head...and my heart.

[wickedstepmother]

Most kids manipulate because they can, and because they are allowed to.  My SD does the same thing with her dad, but he does not allow her to see her BM, who lives in another state.  She is loving and clingy to me, and sits on his lap, until she does not get her way.  Then, she's MAD!  She is 11, and lives w/us full time.  My BD is 10.5 and lives w/us as well, with visitation every 1,3,&5 & holidays.  It causes problems b/c SD does not get to visit and BD does, but that is not my choice, it's the ruling of the court, and in the best interest of my child.