Survival of the fittest

[joni]

We got SD yesterday for 3 glorious weeks.  Have lots of fun stuff planned, summer camp, crafts at the park district, swim lessons!

SD comes all dolled up.  Curls and ribbons in her hair, finger and toe nail polish on (first time in months, usually that's what I do with her on our visits).

At dinner, SD tells me she brought her nail polish from home.  She says she was thinking I could repaint her nails with the same polish from home, that way, her mom won't know I did her nail polish and her mom won't get mad.

A 6 year-old should have better things to think about than how to do damage control over something SO trivial and insignificant as nail polish.  Obviously, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Any similar experiences from your skids?

[DK]

I have a step son, so a little different, but we do have situations.  During the three weeks I would just do what you have planed.   Assure your SD that by time she goes back to here mother she will have the same polish, hair style, or what ever will make her comforatable.  Also I have learned that whatever SS says that comes from BM and is negative, let him see that it rolls of my back and give him one or two short sentences of reasurrance.  The less said the better and move on with YOUR life and routine.  My SS seems to then let things go and transistions into a good time easier.  Good Luck!

[mango]

Yes we have it too.

It's so sad.

But true to form. Your SD is young and innocent and admitted her situation openly. That will change/evolve. (later they will shut down) Ours is now 10 and this all goes on, but it's hidden. The polish comes off the moment she returns to BM. The braids in her hair, removed. Even her clothes on a 3 hours visit to BM are often changed into others with exuses of "it made me scratchy", or "I was hot" etc. It's as if, when it's from dad's house, it's no good.

In fact, we can't even take her on swim lessons or gymnastic classes, SD has firm "no, I don't think I will like it" for anything we offer up. But when I enrolled my own kids in gymnastics and SD has to come with (and watch) she seems to wish she was doing it too... I feel bad for her, but it's also her choice. Itell her she can join anytime, and it willnot affect her mom's time with her. her mom will not pay for, nor have to take her to anything. We will skip classes etc.

Still,  is no. Those instructions from BM are heavy and strong.

The BM wants no reminders, nor does she want the child to be reminded of dads environment.

Sad.

[joni]

when my husband was married to BM, they had a nickname for the daugther.   Once my husband picked her up at an exchange, he called her by the nickname (we still call her the nickname here).  his daughter yelled at him and said, don't call me that anymore, I don't like it.  she did this in front of her mom (for her mom).  after mom walked away, SD whispered to her dad....OK, you can call me my nickname now.

you're right about not reminders and sanitizing the child with anything that has to do with the dads environment.  to make matters worse, my SD looks just like my husband's mother.  DH said it drove his Ex crazy that her daughter didn't look like her when they were married.  I think this has a big part to do with the mom pushing her daughter away.

I see the beginnings of other things in your post starting to manifest.  I hope that it doesn't come to fruition.