I'm a terrible SM

[oklahoma]

My husband had his first "supervised" visit.  I would first like to state that it was, as everything else, a joke.  My husband's ex-MIL is the supervisor, and BM was adamant that they all stay at ex-MIL's house during the entire visit.  Well, ex-MIL and her husband #6 (or #7--not sure) came out when we first showed up, said that they were doing some remodeling and so they thought my husband and SDs could visit in the front yard.  That was the only time we saw ex-MIL the entire time--some supervision, huh?

Anyway, I was aggravated with my husband because he did not even ask BM to meet somewhere else.  I do not like ex-MIL anymore than I like her daughter, and I was NOT going to chase my children around her house.  Originally I was going to stay home, but we see my husband so little these days that I wanted to have at least the 4 hours with him in the car, so Plan B was to drop him off and take our two children to a nearby park.  Well, my son was so excited to see his sisters, and he chose them over the park.  But, I didn't get out of the car. (I used the excuse that I had a headache--which was true.)

I am so frustrated and completely powerless in this situation.  I am still angry with my SDs for the lies they told about their father and me.  I am annoyed that my husband won't listen to a word I have to say about the situation, but he wants to drag me along to all the counseling appointments, etc.  I have gone almost every time that he has asked me, the exception being if I had a conflicting appointment.  But I just couldn't do it this time and act happy.  **I** was not ordered to have supervised visits.  My husband HAS to do it to get regular visitation.  And when that starts again, I will be happy, supportive SM in my own home.....

[stepmom74]

I understand how you feel.  Sometimes our husband's are so involved in their children they forget about their family at home.  My husband always put his child before me for years.  I finally told him he had to ask my opinion, and listen to my input about the situations or lose me.

  I was never asked about matters regarding his child, I was told what I would be doing and where we were going, etc...  I was expected to watch her when he worked but never even asked if I wanted to or could for that matter.  It makes for a lot of resentment towards the Skids. Just because he has supervised visitation with them doesn't mean you have to be involved.  Sometimes staying out of it is the only way to survive.  

I tried for years to be a part of my SD's life as much as her father.  Now she doesn't want anything to do with me and only wants to see her father alone.  A lot of good that did me to try to be a part of her life.  She just pushed me away further.  It's basically a jealousy thing with her.  She is jealous of our life and takes it out on me and my biodaughter.

My advice to you is to keep your distance when you can and let him figure out who's more important-- kids he sees for a few hours or the family he has at home who love him unconditionally.   He'll realize eventually.  My husband took almost 10 years to realize that!

Don't feel obligated to do what you really don't want to do.  It just makes it harder on everyone.

Hope it gets better for you.

Stepmom74

[tulip]

If he wants to take your kids to their sisters, go take a nap or get a pedicure. Why drive all that way just to sit in the car? Especially if your ticked off the person you're riding with. I think going to counseling appts with them is helpful, but sitting in a place that makes you so uncomfortable is not. Make other plans for yourself on that day so he can tell the girls why you didn't come with. It's ok.

How long does he have to go to supervised visits?

[joni]

I can totally sympathize with your frustration.  I got so aggravated with myself that I let her get to me.  I often didn't understand how I could get so angry but my husband just took it.

I've worked really hard the past year to try to disengage from the Ex wife.  With some great advice from some people on this board I got a book that really provided some clarity.  Here's the link for the site, hope it helps you.

http://www.miguelruiz.com/agreements.html

[Yngsmommy]

Why not video tape it, so that way you can show she isnt around?  And then ask for an alternate monitor?

[wendl]

your not a terrible SM, you are in a situation where the kids are being lied to and we as adults need to remember its not there fault. It will take time for sd to realize the truth and by bm doing this, in the long run it will bite her in the ass, as she will push the child to you.  My mom did this to me and now I am closer to my stepmom than my mom.

Take some time for yourself, I have been taking one day off a week and I go spend the day with my best friend.

:)

I am lucky though, my dh and I discuss EVERYTHING about all the kids his and mine, then we make our decisions jointly. HE backs me up and I back him up, then if we for some reason disagree we never undermind eachother especially in front of the kids.





**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[oklahoma]

Essentially, the supervised visits go until BM says they stop--part of the joke we call a court order (And I quote: "The frequency and the length time of these supervised visits shall be determined by the agreement of all parties involved.  It is the goal of the court that regular parenting time between DH and the minor children be reinstated at some point in the future....")  BM did suggest 6 supervised visits, then sit down and discuss.  My husband believes BM and her mom are both tired of dealing with their own mess, so supervised visits won't last too long.

I went with my husband last week because we never see him!  He is a full-time student (currently taking 28 credit hours), plus trying to provide for us and pay CS, AND he's the guy everyone calls when they need help with something because they know he will be there.  He's gone basically from 8 am to 8 or 9pm--sometimes more or less--everyday except Sunday, and when he is home he is either asleep or studying.  Ahhh, student life....  To have 4 hours in the car with him to just chat is a good thing--I can put aside my frustration with him during that time. (But every once in a while he hears a good vent about his ex-wife!)  

[oklahoma]

We are just not asking for anything right now.  My husband doesn't want to pay the money for an attorney to have the same judge tell him the same thing.  This judge was incredibly biased, and we heard after the fact from more than one attorney, that she has a reputation for favoring mothers.  And she declared herself the judge of record.  

I personally don't think we would have difficulty changing monitor if we really wanted to push the issue--BM's mom abandoned BM and her sisters as teenagers, she's on her 6th or 7th marriage, and she has been fired from several nursing jobs for stealing drugs....  And yet BM sends her children to her house every weekend!!  Ex-MIL seems to be in an upswing right now--back to church, remarried, etc. so we are catching her now before she flip-flops.  It's aggravating, because everyone--including BM and her mother--knows that my husband is not the abusive father they claimed in court that he was.  If there was a real concern, the visit would have been supervised.  At least it was a little more pleasant for my husband and SDs without psycho-grandma hanging over their shoulders.

Like I mentioned in another post, my husband has known BM and her family for 15+ years, he knows none of them can stick to anything for too long.  He believes supervised visits won't last too long because they will be tired of it.  So my husband's position is to just "jump through the hoops" (just a few more to go.)  Part of my frustration, but what else can I do?

[tulip]

Ok, well it sounds like you need a date with your husband. I'm glad you could put aside your frustration with him to chat with in the car. I know how hard it is, I've been going through absolute hell with my dh's ex for over a year, and she just keeps getting more freaky. And I've accused dh of bending over backwards for her, and it pisses me off. The way he sees it though, is he is bending over backwards for his kids, not her.