I really need support, hurting so bad

[stressedstepmom]

I can't take the crap with PBFH anymore. When is enough, enough?? YSS just got mad at his younger brother over silly stuff and was throwing a tantrum, so I said either knock it off or go to bed. So he chose bed, but before that he had to mouth off at me of course. So I went in the room and asked him why he was being that way (always letting little stuff erupt into big things) and he said he wanted to go home. So I said he would feel better in the moring after he slept it off.  He then goes into this big production that he wants to go home all because his younger brother touched his hand. I replied that that was the last thing his father needed to hear when he gets home in the morning (DH is on overnight shifts) and that it would hurt DHs feelings really bad. He said he didnt care because he had something on his dad. So of course I asked him what he was talking about. This is where I get really pissed off. YSS said he heard his mom talking to her lawyer in January (she doesn't have a lawyer) that DH asked her for a blow job and she said no and DH got really pissed off and left and that she was afraid to let the boys come here this summer over this. I got really upset and said "She told you that?!?!" and he said that he overheard it but that she saw him and made him promise not to tell anyone. He also said that his whole family says the same thing. I explained to him that I doubted any of it actually happened and that the off chance that it did that he didn't "have something" on his dad. But they are all obviously talking about these things in front of a 12 and 13 yr old.
So I told him to go to sleep and I went in the living room and called DH at work. DH said it wasn't true but he was upset by it. I responded that I was calling the bitch tomorrow and confronting her with it. I think that is my right. We have been married 10 years and I am 4 months pregnant and I am not going  to just let this slide. DH got really upset and said that I can't do that that it will only make matters worse for him. I feel that he just lets her walk all over him and that he isn't actually fighting like he should and he acts like I am being impossible and not taking his feelings into consideration. This hurts me so bad the whole situation.  It puts doubts in my head about my husband, it pisses me off that I am supposed to ignore it, it pisses me off that my 12 yr old SS told me this. I don't want to threaten her or anything I just want answers. I finally got upset with DH and told him that I will just stay out of it all. No more research or calling lawyers and therapists. He complains that everyone gets mad at him for what he does or doesn't do and he is tired of me telling him bad things that any of the kids do or problems that I have with them. Sorry is this is all scrambled together I am so emotional right now.  I just dont know what to do.

[purrrfectgirl]

Take a really deep breath!

I know the feeling.  I've had all sorts of things said about DH when we first got together.  I'm 16 yr. younger than DH and it burns PBFH butt.  So s-kids have been told daddy's a rapist (for having sex with someone my age! - I am legal), daddy doesn't love them because he spends more time with my daughter than them (obviously he will -he lives with her, he doesn't live with them), daddy doesn't love them enough to come see them (as DH sits in the driveway of her house blaring his horn - but she has them watching TV in the basement with the volume blasting).  And I can feel for your DH's emotional state.  I go thru it with DH frequently.  His daughter now wants out of mom's house and to come live with us.  But he doesn't want to try this year because she's just 12 and kids can't technically pick until their 16 but the judge will consider their opinion whenever, plus he says there's not much time until school start.  Don't agree with it, but they are his kids.  And the consequences of what happens he has to live with not me (such as she's thrown him in jail on false DV charges the last time DH and PBFH had custody/visitation disagreement).  They are NOT your kids no matter how much you love them, they are NOT your responsibility.  They are your husband's.  But remeber than most owmen how are bitter/upset with the divorce or the terms thereof tend to make up lies about events to make themselves feel better.  I doubt your DH asked for a BJ from ex.  And if you don't beleive him maybe it's time for marriage counseling.  As for helping him with the kids' drs and DH's attorney, don't stop helping him.  This is something you do for him, not for his kids!  I mean it's not easy being in his situation.  He needs someone who just accepts what he does without drilling him with questions or doubting him.  Just hop on and go along with the ride.  If he doesn't see your point of view and you think you're rght, wait!  He'll come around if you are right.  I think we've all been thru similar situation.  Just remember that the s-kids are his responsibility and you are just along for the ride.

[stressedstepmom]

I have calmed down a lot since the original post. Like I tried to tell DH last night, my horomones are in overdrive right now. I don't believe that my husband asked PBFH for a BJ, but just knowing that she is saying that upset me, and even though I know it isn't true it still put doubts in my head (and if it were true like she wouldn't have called me already and gloated!!). Sorry if that doesn't make any sense, but that is one of the things that pisses me off most, that she is able to put that doubt there. Like I said, I was in emotional overdrive last night. Yes I am still going to help DH with all of the research and I told him that this morning. Our PBFH also played the rape card 11 years ago when DH divorced her, she said he had raped her when they were married (it was thrown out) she also plays the daddy doesn't love you or he would be here game with both boys. Her newest game seems to be to drag DH to court as many times as she can, although she did drop the 2 upcoming motions.
I do know that they aren't my kids, but I do also love them as if they were like I am sure almost all the stepmoms on this board do. Even though I am not responsible for them I am made to feel that I am. I know DH loves them and I see the emotional damage that he goes through. Every visit consists of undoing the damage PBFH has caused only to finally get back where we were and then have to return them to her. Then she can continue to PAS the hell out of them and undue all the good that we did. They are made to feel guilty for loving their father, they are emotionally punished because he loves them but not her. Next thing you know, the wonderful time they had with their dad is forgotten and he gets to hear how much he sucks. I can't even begin to imagine our children telling either one of us some of the things they have told DH. Because of all of this, when SSs are here sometimes I feel like I am the one who has to be a parent. DH feels that he can't discipline them the way they may need to be because even if everything is okay here once they get home that is all that is remembered and she turns it into DH is mentally abusing them. We have been married 10 years like I said in my original post, and have never lived in the same town as her. There are tons of things about her that I could go on and on about that she has done for the last 10 years. When does she get over it? They were barely married 2 years! She is completely trying to cut DH out of the boys lives. I am just so tired of having to kiss her ass or watch DH kiss her ass so that she is kept happy.  There are several things I think DH should do, but he is afraid of upsetting her. I do know that it is his battle but it just drives me friggin nuts!! Thank you for your advice, it does help, I just need to vent more. Gee I can't wait for PBFH to find out that I am pregnant again, I know that will cause her to do something..like bash us or maybe another court event.

[purrrfectgirl]

Yeah, we got one like that.  It is hard to battle someone like that, but the kids will one day see their mom for what she is.  A user, a user of people, a user of emotions, someone who does what it takes to make her happy with no concern for anyone else.  IN the mean time hang in there!  In our case, she cheated on DH, he left, found and married me, and it took blackmail for her boyfriend to marry her (she got pregnant and said marry me or I'll rape you for CS and DV).  And she's bitter!  It's onle been a little over 5 years for us, but she just can't let go.  She tells the kids all the time that she did it for a better man.  If she got such a better man why can't she leave us the heck alone!  I know the annoyance.  Hang in there!

[mango]

Well I must say, I am disappointed to read that after 10 years it doesn't get  better, and also that when the ex re-marries it still doesn't get better.

It's been 8 years they have been split, (they were never married, only together 2 years) 7 that DH and I have been married, and she is still single and miserable, bitter, rensentful, angry, hostile. SD is 10 now.

But I will comment on the Kissing her ass part. My DH does the same thing. Hides under a rock, and allows her to walk all over him. However he does not do it for her he does it for his daughter. He is trying to minimize the hostility that fighting back creates, and spare his daughter the retribution paid by the ex.

Even though in the long run we loose out on many things because of it, he seems to feel better about taking the high-road.

So don't look at as he is doing HER any favors. Trust me it's not about HER its about the kids.

I personally think he should set boundaries, but whenever we do, even small ones, it infuriates her. Then we pay in many more ways.

I try to look at each thing as "will this matter 5 months from now?" yes no, then I decide how much time and energy I spend being mad about it.

As for the ex making these comments, she wanted it to get back to you. My Dh' ex, said my husband was jeolous evertime she started dating someone. ha ha!

He wishes she WOULD meet someone & be happy. But men keep running for the hills after 2-3 months of knowing her.

[stressedstepmom]

I do understand why DH doesn't fight every little issue. We have a policy to "keep her out of our house" and for the most part it works. We don't talk about her and if something minor comes up we shrug it off and go on with our lives. But even though I understand him not fighting, I do believe there are issues that need to be handled. Like recently with her taking him to court to stop visitation for no reason. The first court date the judge told her she had no case but she pushed on. She just dropped the 2 upcoming court dates, which is great, but I think that DH needs to modify his visitation to stop any future actions she might take. The court order is 11 years old and was written when the boys were both very young. Sometimes she is very cooperative and goes above and beyond the court order but other times everything has to be word for word by the court order. Right now we have the boys for the summer and they are attending counseling with their dad and it seems to be going very well. We are trying to keep them out of the middle of everything with her because we know she doesn't do that at home. She involves them in everything.
I am still upset that she said the things she said but I have calmed down a lot about it. I haven't confronted her with it and I no longer plan to. I won't give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset me. She will find out soon enough most likely that YSS told me.  It pisses me off that she said that when in reality back in January DH talked to her on behalf of YSS because he wants to live with us. I am also sick of her crap. She has had relationships these past 10 years but I think like you said that after 2-3 months the guy runs for the hills. She is in what seems to be a serious relationship now and I really do hope that he sticks around lol. Even though she is still being her psycho self I hope that if they do stay together that he will help curb her actions against us. Right now we are bracing ourselves for when she finds out that I am pregnant. The boys are very excited but she won't be and I don't want them being punished for their joy.
Today we found out that she supposedly got laid off. I say supposed because this has happened a lot in the last 10 years when in reality she just quits. She called and told the boys and wants them to bring back job listings for our area. We also hear this every time we move somewhere, that she wants to live wherever we are so the boys are closer (which would be great) but it never happens. I don't understand why she is laying all this on their shoulders though. She has a computer, she is fully capable of searching on her own, and it is her responsibility, not theirs.
It is just so stressful that after 10 years she can't let go, that she feels she has to punish everyone involved including her children over her divorce.  I really think it is my horomones that have me so upset over all of this right now.  I just want to be happy and want those I love to be happy and not have to suffer this pain she causes.

[DeeDee]

Hang in there!

At the very least, this is not something that your yss has on your dh....but on your pbfh..

Why on earth would she be having conversations like that anywhere near "tender ears" (whether it's true or not...and it's not)?!?!?! of course I don't believe it either...

I'll give you something to chuckle about...

My dh's pbfh actually said something extremely similar to a mediator during one of the 100's of mediations he's been to over the years.  The mediator's report went on and on about how bm make inappropriate comments and commended my dh for his patience and calm.  Pbfh complained so much that the judge actually bought the mediator in to testify against bm.

Of course pbfh tells sk's all kinds of nonsense which they spew at any/all mediators over the years and of course when the mediators ask, their answer was "Biomom told us" or "we heard Biomom say"...We were concerned/anxious/upset when this began to happen but over the years the "statements" became more and more outlandish--making bm look more and more absurd, not to mention insane.  *shaking head*

Kudos to you for letting ss "sleep it off" and not falling prey to either his tantrum, or empty threat!