we don't know what to do! (a long one)

[stepmom74]

Hi!

It's nice to hear that there is one person from ND on this website.  I felt kind of alone!  I appreciate your website on caselaw.  I am printing it out and I hope to find something useful.  

Tonight we were told by the BM that we aren't suppose to push for visitation until the counselor can figure out what's wrong with my SD.  Well, to be honest, it's gonna take him months to figure that one out!!  Her mother has her so messed up-- I can't figure out why a therapist would say something like that so my husband is going to call him tomorrow.  Legally I don't know why he would say that.  It's a court order that we see her.  I don't think the BM or the therapist can say we aren't allowed to see her.  It's gotten so out of control that my brain is just mush.  We have never had a problem with her seeing us for 10 years and now all of a sudden we are terrible parents!  (The only people saying that is the ex and SD.)  I think she has the therapist snowed too!

I'm quite sure that my husband is not listed as a person to contact in an emergency.  She thinks he was just the sperm donor and therefore has no rights to anything unless she says it's ok.  That's why it is driving me insane.  I've wanted to strangle her for years but have held my breath for the sake of the kid.  Now I wonder why I have for so long!!  It certainly didn't get me anywhere but heartache and anger.

Well, enough venting.  

Thank you for your insight!  I'm sure it will help us.  The more we know, the better.

Stepmom74

[rm1759]

I am going through a very similar situation.  I was not permitted to attend any sessions with the first therapist.  I constantly called and e-mailed the therapist asking her what was going on, trying to get information.  Many times I was informed that if I wanted to come in, I would have to pay her $150/hr to get info about my daughter.  Well, this went on for some time, and then she sent a nasty e-mail to me saying that I thwarted all of her efforts to help my daughter, and being extremely condescending.  I sent a copy to my attorney, and he shot off a letter to the therapist basically telling her that she was a danger to my child and that she could no longer provide therapy for her.

Of  course, PBFH protested, but I still wanted my daughter in therapy for the PAS being done to her.  We got another therapist (I made sure I was involved in the selection) and I made sure I have been there for EVERY session.  Any decent therapist will want to encourage the participation of BOTH parents.  This therpaist was biased in the beginning.  BM brought in records from the original therapist, and began her same tactic, but I was there to refute what was untrue, and tell my side every time.  We did have some sessions where only BM was with him, and other sessions where it was just me, the point is that you are proving to the therapist that you are active and concerned for your child.  Another hint, do NOT bad-mouth PBFH.  You may voice concerns you have, but always try not to sound like you are bad-mouthing her.  The therapist will see that your personal feelings against BM may impact your judgmenet with regards to your child, remember it's about the child, not about you or BM, as long as you keep your comments centered around the child, the therapist will begin to see what is going on (eventually, we've been with this therapist for 6 months, and only now is he starting to see the light!).

[rainbow1]

DO NOT LISTEN TO BM!!! The longer you don't do anything, the harder it will be to get back in the child's life.  They can not tell you they forbid you to see her without court order. State and federal law says both biological parent have a right to child's medical and school records, EVEN IF THEY DO NOT HAVE CUSTODY! The only way to stop you is if they have a court order specifically barring you from these records. Send doctor a letter requesting records, set deadline of five days. Tell the doctor you do not need to meet with her at this time, that you have hired another doctor to explain her records and treatment plan to you and your attorney. Get a copy of " denial of  visitation" form. Send one to BM every time your parenting/visitation time is denied, certified mail. Keep a copy for your records. Send the clerk of courts a copy every time.

[stepmom74]

Well, my husband called the counselor yesterday and asked how his daughter was.  He didn't tell him much, just that it was too soon to say and that she definitely does not want to stay with us right now.  He said he recommended that we not push her to stay with us because it will just add to the resentment she already has towards us.  My husband said that he would respect that if that's what the doctor recommended.  I found it hard to sit by and let him say that we can't see her.  It has been almost 2 months since we've seen her and the last time we had her she was fine.  It was only after she went home that this all started.  I'm afraid the longer she is away from us, the more her mother is influencing her.  

She only wants our child support and really doesn't care if we see my SD.  The BM has 2 other sisters and none of their children see their dad's either.  Convenient, isn't it?!  I think they are a bunch of man-haters and this is what they are teaching my SD to believe too.  I also believe her cousins are telling her that she doesn't have to see her dad and me if she doesn't want to because their mother's won't make them.  They are a wonderful family, let me tell you!!

Anyway, we have sent certified letters to her but she won't pick them up.  By the time she decides to get them, it's too late and she thinks she's gotten away with us not seeing my SD.  That's what happened when we sent her the "Notice of Intent to Exercise Visitation" form.  We planned on taking my daughter and SD to an amusement park and campground for almost a week.  We planned our whole vacation around the kid's entertainment.  When we went to pick her up, she wasn't even in town so we had to take my daughter by herself.  She had fun but it would have been more fun to have her sister there to play with.  It basically wrecked our whole vacation.  The day we got back home, the BM called and said that she didn't get our letter until that day.  We had proof that is was at her post office exactly a week earlier but she chose not to pick it up.  (I hope that doesn't matter in court.)  Well, I printed out the "Denial of Visitation" letter but the BM is out of town on her own personal vacation (sleazing around with her girlfriends at a week-long concert event).  She won't be back for a week.  I'm sure she won't pick that one up for at least 2 weeks!  My husband asked where his daughter was going to be and she said either her sister's or her mother's house but he was not to push for visitation anyway because the counselor said not to.  Well, after talking to the counselor, my husband has decided not to.  As far as I'm concerned, the BM doesn't care too much about her daughter because she keeps dumping her off somewhere and hasn't spend any time with her all summer.  She doesn't even take her kids with her when she goes on her summer vacations.  She would rather have her sisters, mother, or ex-husband watch their daughter than my husband.  There is no reason for it except that I believe she is jealous of our life together and never really gotten over my husband dumping her 10 years ago.  How can we prove that one in court?!  She has even told other people that her one wish for her daughter would be for her dad and mom to be together again for my SD's sake.  Isn't that a little pyscho?!

Anyway, we are waiting for the counselor to call us back and make another appointment to talk with us again.  He said my SD has another appointment with him next week and then he will consult with us.  We haven't said anything bad about the BM but she has already showed him the certified letters we've sent her.  She is trying to make us sound bad but I hope he can see through that.  We won't say anything bad about her--even though I would love to tell him stories about the times she broke into our house, pulled a gun on my husband when they were dating, tried pushing him out of a moving vehicle, etc...... the list goes on, and on.  Good mother-figure, huh!  No wonder why my SD is sooooo messed up.

Thanks for your help.  I hope we are doing everything we can at this point.  We haven't found a lawyer yet because my husband wants to wait until we find out what the counselor has to say.  I want to file contempt charges now, before it's too late.  She shouldn't be getting our money and not let us see his child.  I want her punished for her actions.  The problem is, we really don't have the money to spend on a lawyer because I'm having a new baby in a little over a week.  I go in to be induced on the 15th.  I was hoping to have my SD there with us when the baby was born, but I guess that won't be happening.  I thought that would have been important to her but she keeps showing how little she cares for us now-a-days.  It makes me sad for my own children--to have a step-sister that doesn't care about them the way I know she used to.  I guess there isn't much I can do right now.  She really doesn't understand what she is missing out on.

Any suggestions are appreciated and I wish everyone the best in their own battles.

Thanks,

Stepmom74