Need some advice...

[DMcD]

Most of you know the situation, but I'll do a quick rehash. DH got custody of skids in August of 2003. He was sent to GA for military training in October 2003 until March 2004. The skids weren't exactly little angels while he was gone but after he got back they seemed to go off the deep end and OSS got caught doing drugs, skipping school, and lying. He was yelled at and DH got CPS called on him. SD decided that she didn't want to go to school so went into this deep depression and started threatening suicide. We hospitalized her twice and got her on anti-depressants. BM's atty talked to the kids and all three of them accused me and DH of emotional abuse, that we used them for labor and babysitting purposes and that all three of them desperately wanted to return to BM, which was a complete 180 degree change from the year before.

DH gave the kids back to BM. OSS is still challenging her authority and making very poor decisions. SD miraculously got better once she got back to BM's house. No need for anti-depressants or counseling. I called the counselor they saw while they were with us and she said that either SD is pretending to be OK now or she was pretending to be worse than she really was while with us. The counselor said that SD's length of depression would have caused her chronic depression. Basically, she was faking while she was here or faking down there to stay with her mom. I think it is the former. She knew that DH could be manipulated so that's what she did.

Anyway, the situation is now DH avoids their calls. OSS was a monster while he was here and called CPS on him and SD used her "depression" to get out of school, to get out of trouble when report cards came in and to avoid any work in or around the house. DH loves them but he doesn't like them at all right now. YSS wasn't perfect, but he tried to be good and to do well in school. DH is somewhat angry with him, too. The kids call and he won't talk to them. I know how DH feels. The sense of betrayal is strong. The ingratitude was apparent. Nothing we did was good enough for them. That affects a person's relationship, be it a friendship, romantic relationship or a parent-child relationship. Still, they are his kids and I think he's severing ties with them. I can hear the disappointment in YSS's voice when he calls and DH isn't home. It sucks.

What can I do to try to help him and the kids re-establish that bond? If it were up to me, I'd just tell the kids off and point out the hurt they have caused us but DH hates confrontation. I am encouraging him to sit down with each of the kids individually and let each one of them know how he feels. Let them know that if they feel coldness or distance from him it's because of how he's been treated over the past year. I think he should let them know that he still loves them but they will have to work together to build up the trust that was lost and fix the hurt feelings but that DH can't pretend that none of last year happened. I hope that if DH is able to tell them how deeply hurt he has been will help him. I hope that the kids understanding the seriousness of their actions and the depth of hurt it has caused for this family may help them atone for their behavior and try to reconnect with us as a family.

Again, I feel like I am stuck in the middle with no help from either side. I love the kids, too, but frankly, I can hardly stand to look at any of them. But it's not my place to tell them how badly they have hurt this family. It wouldn't really mean anything to them coming from me, anyway. Still, I wouldn't mind chewing them a new one on general principals.

What can I do? Should I do anything at all or just keep my nose out of it? I just feel that they'll grow up eventually. They will figure out their mom's role in all of this. I want to make sure that DH is still a part of their lives and that if they turn their backs on some of their family, DH won't be one of those people.

[msme]

hubby needs to see a counselor. Perhaps the one who saw the kids could see him to deal with their rejection. Untill he gets a grip on his own feelings, he can not deal with the children. Is it possible that the bm was coaching them via phone? She sure welcomed them back real quick, after they rejected her.

I hope the kids are still in counseling, where they are.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[DMcD]

He might be willing to see a counselor, but I think he would take that as a reflection of his masculinity. Being in the service, his sense of self is connected to how manly he is. Seeing a counselor is a sign of personal weakness and I think, at least at the beginning, it would make problems increase until he started really working through his anger. Not to say those long term benefits wouldn't be there.

I've been trying to disengage since August. It's hard to do when everything keeps sucking me back in. I am a miserable, bitter, hateful person when I am knee deep in sh*t. That's what all this stuff is as far as I'm concerned. I think I will mention counseling to him as a possibility and then the ball will be in his court. After that point, I will let him make that choice. I will support him if and when he makes a decision but if I pressure him about it, I'll be too involved for my own mental wellbeing and he will get resentful.

I hadn't really thought of DH in counseling but you are right. It would probably help him quite a bit. I'll tell him about it and he can take whatever steps he needs to to get through this time. Thanks.

[msme]

If you want, I will ask my son to post. He is as masculine as they come, (has nearly 20 years in civil service, currently with the AF) but realized that there was no way that he could deal with a lunatic by himself. His counselor helps him keep things in perspective. He doesn't go very often anymore but when it hits the fan, he doesn't hesitate to seek guidance from him.

One thing he often quotes from his counselor is, "Don't try to rationalize the behavior of an irrational person. It can't be done."

Good luck & God bless. We will keep your family in our prayers.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!