I still can't believe it...it finally happened!

[Kitty C.]

SS called DH Sat. afternoon and said that BM wanted to talk to him, in person.  Well, we were out picking mushrooms (yes, they're up!) and DH said he couldn't get there for a while, so if she wanted to talk to him right then, it would have to be on the phone.  SS told DH that he had no idea what it was about.

So BM gets on the phone and drops the bomb...............SF says he wants a divorce....surprise, surprise!  She said that he said he's just not happy anymore.............and she just doesn't understand WHY!  Actually, DH has a good theory.......which relates to his statement that when he was married to her, Santa Claus came more than he did, LOL!  Apparently, the only time she's willing (unless she's chasing for a new hubby) is when she wants kids, and she already got her kid with the SF.

Her concern was what to do with SS on the days she works, since she works 12 hour shifts 3-4 days a week.  She said she can't afford daycare and DH said SS is too old for it anyway.  DH offered her to drop off SS to us (me) on her way to work (before 6 am.) and picking him up after work.  SS can go to and from school with DS and on the rare occasion that DS might have something going on after school, my mom only lives about a block from the school and SS can go right over there till I get there after work.  What blew my mind is that she's going for it, even tho she must realize that she'd be dropping him off to ME, since DH works out of town all week.  Goes to show what she's willing to do when she's desperate.

DH did ask her about their son and she said that SF was intending on taking the kid with him, but she would NOT pay him CS......typical.   So now I have an idea, but want to pass it by y'all and see what you think.  I don't want SF to be taken or deprived of his child like DH was/is.  I'm tempted to write an anonymous letter and include a flyer from here, informing him he DOES have rights and not to let her dictate when he can and can't see his son.   To tell you the truth, if he did take the boy, he'd probably move back to the nearby town he used to live in and his folks still live there.  I wouldn't be surprised if they'd babysit the boy for free.

The thing is, they both work at the same place, just opposite days.  So it wouldn't surprise me if she came home some day, possibly this week, and find him cleaned out and taken the kid.  Might be the only way he'd get custody of the boy anyway.

I want to tell him that he can't let what happened to DH and SS happen to him and his son.  He's watched it for the past 7-8 years, so that may be why he's telling her he's taking him.  Do you guys think it would be prudent to pass on some anonymous info to this guy?  I'm certain he knows what he wants, but he may not know how to go about it and his ignorance may be used against him.  She's been thru this before, but he hasn't.

[joni]

I would drop a dime on the SF and enlighten him.  

Why don't you make her the same offer?  SS live with you, he can be with her when she doesn't work and she doesn't have to pay you CS.  It would be a 50/50 shared custody arrangement.  If she's letting her other child go so easily with that dad with those arrangments, maybe she'll consider it????

Grandma always said you never know what you'll get unless you ask.....

[Kitty C.]

That's just it.......she WON'T let the other child go without a fight.  She was adamant to DH that she would NOT pay CS.  She's tried so hard for so long to play the part of the perfect Mommy......to have either one of her children living with their father would discredit her...at least in HER mind.  She still hasn't figured it out, that it takes two to tango and she doesn't understand that she has to admit her responsibility, because to her, she's done absolutely nothing wrong.

The problem with offering her some kind of 50/50 and her not paying support means SHE wouldn't get support anymore either and that's her bread and butter, you know.  That's one thing that DH is worried about, too.  If she does get primary of the other kid and gets CS from the SF, DH is afraid his will go up, too.  DH's CS has never been increased and she hasn't attempted an adjustment for quite a few years, not since she got her dad to fudge the numbers and tell DH he owed her $100 more a month.  We took the numbers to an atty., who said it didn't meet the criteria of 10% change.  Now it goes thru CSRU, who will only review it every 2 years and ONLY if she asks for it.  

So DH is worried that if she does get CS from the SF, close or equal to what DH pays now, she's going to know DH isn't paying up to guideline.  And with SF leaving, she won't be able to 'maintain her standard of living'.

But I think I will drop something in the mail to the SF........I'll send it to his parents.  And we're not sure how she's going to finance this divorce either.  Her dad financed the last one and told her he'd only do it this one time, after that she was on her own.  She only goes to him when she needs money, fancy that.  And she was from a divorced family, too.

So the next few days, weeks, and months will prove to be very interesting!

[jilly]

I wouldn't send anything to the SF.  While this pending divorce will have an affect on SS this ain't your fight.  You may not be giving this guy enough credit.  He may know more than you think.  After all, he's been married to your DH's ex and has seen how she treats him.  He's probably smart enough to know she'll try to pull the same crap on him with their child as she's been doing with your SS.

My DH's ex and her hubby separated in September of last year. They didn't have a child together but I'm sure she's still raking him over the coals.  We know how to contact him but we're staying out of it because what they do is their business...that is, until it involves SD.  Plus, there's not guarantee that he wouldn't go to the ex and tell her that we're trying to get information from him.  Like your DH's ex, if there's something she thinks is going to make her look bad as a person and/or a mother watch out cause she'll be like a cornered animal.

Even though you want to send something anonymously, I'm sure he'd be able to figure out where it came from.  Do you really want to risk him telling the ex about it and having her pissed off?  Think of what consequences will come to your SS by doing this.

IMHO you need to butt out of this.

[Kitty C.]

I agree.........to a point.  My goal is to help maintain a father/child relationship, where a mother has already tried to erode the relationship between a previous father and child.

SF had been told by EVERY friend prior to their marriage to get out while he could, but he didn't listen.  Now he's had 6-7 years to watch how she's handled the relationship between DH and SS.  Knowing how volatile BM's and SF's relationship has been over the past few years, I've got a feeling he wants to get out with at least his skin intact.  And I'm certain that the main reason he's told her he's taking the kid is specifically because of what he's witnessed over the years.  But that doesn't mean he knows HOW.

This is his first marriage and child, her second on both counts.  If she manages to get Daddy to foot her divorce bill (and with her 'prior' experience), she could take him for a rough ride.  With Daddy's money, she hires the big guns.  Without it, she gets what she can afford.

All I'm trying to do is give a father the needed info so that he can preserve and maintain the relationship with his child without being taken to the cleaners.  One thing that is stressed over and over on this site is 'education'.  And being an 'unconscious incompetant' (they don't know that they don't know) is a guarantee to lose out on practically everything.  DH has said over and over if he knew then what he knows now, their divorce never would have turned out the way it did.

As for him figuring out where it came from, he might be able to assume, but he'd have no proof.  I seriously doubt he'd even think of me and I'm absolutely certain he'd never mention anything to her about it.  That's like giving the enemy your troup movements!  My intention is NOT to get back at HER, but to help a father during a difficult time by giving him the knowledge he needs in order to maintain a relationship with his child.

[Ref]

COVER YOUR A$$! If he and wifey reconcile, you could be in serious trouble.

Ofcourse, if you relationship with ex is as pleasant as mine, you really have nothing to lose.

I would go for it. WTH, the more the merrier.

[Kitty C.]

Using snail mail with no return address, with a postmark from a large, metro area, and printed off a standard laser printer, I can't see how it could be traced.  And I bet she IS as pleasant as yours!

The funny thing is, about a year and a half ago I printed off something from this site and sent it to HER anonymously, probably hoping for an epiphany on her part, LOL!  It seemed to work, at least in regards to how she dealt with DH and SS's relationship.  And nothing was ever said about it, so I'm certain she had NO clue where it came from.  But then again, her clue phone seems to never have been connected in the first place, LOL!

I just don't want to see this guy get taken for a ride or see another child be deprived of their father.  I just want to be able to help if I can.

[kitten]

I agree with ref.  Just be careful.  Also, I would present the custody idea to bm.  You never know, she is desperate right now and she'll be usingg all of her energy fighting current hubby.  If you ask for something, you just might get it.  Got a story for you...

This is a story Will's Grandmother told him and it was told at her funeral:

When she was a little girl, her and her mother went to visit a friend of her mother's.  The mother's friend offered Orissa a piece of luscious chocolate cake, Orissa loved chocolate cake!  She did not want to seem rude however and refused the cake.  She then proceeded to watch her mother and her friend enjoy the cake right in front of her.  She always wanted Will to understand that you only live once so take what you can get especially when it is right in front of your face!

[Kitty C.]

Well, I do know how desperate she is, plus her work schedule really throws a wrench into the whole deal.  She works 12 hour shifts and works every Sunday, so I wouldn't be surprised if she asks us to take SS even on the Sundays on her weekends.  If SF takes his son, SS would be all she has to worry about.  And getting daycare on a Sunday around here is virtually impossible.

One thing that really frightened me was the thought of her asking US to take not only SS but the other child as well....NOT gonna happen!  That kid is he!! on wheels and besides, he's NOT our responsibility.

I do see a lot of opportunity here and I hope we'll be able to take advantage of every one of them!