BM won't allow child to attend wedding?

[Foster_Mom]

Ok our situation is troubling and I just want some advice. BM on sunday told daughter that she would allow her to be a flower girl at my sisters wedding on sep 3rd of this year. Of course she was real hesitant but 9 year old step daughter was real excited. 1 hour later BM has daughter call her Dad and say that she could not go becuse it is her moms time and she has to go to salt lake that weekend to see her step dads grandparents. Now it does not seem fair to aspen that she can not attend a once in a life time event of step moms siters wedding but she can go to see her step dads grandparents instead. Is there anything our family can do legally to make BM conceed to Aspen attending the wedding as a flower girl. This is not the first time this has happened. She even would not let the kids go to our wedding becuse it was her time. She refuses to exchange time as well. We have always let the children go freely to BM events even to a funeral for Step dads Brother on our time. If we dig our feet in and refuse any and all activitys that BM plans including all the extras such as the Gymnastics and cheerleading and the Boyscouts Ect.. that she plans on our time and that we pay for I am sure the courts would see us as the bad guys but we continue to try working with her to no end in sight. BM is doing everything in her power to seperate Chris and Aspen from our new family including our child Justice who is the same age as Aspen. Justice feels alienated from Aspen and is real bitter toward Aspens BM. This is not Fair for Aspen Justice  Chris or My Husband Jace or My family. Any advice here would be nice. Is there anything that we could do legally or do we have to just let her do anything she wants becuse she is the BM?

[4honor]

You are going to have a problem not because she is the BM, but because it is her court ordered time.

Have DH write to BM and let her know that you will miss SD at the wedding, but you understand that she wishes to do things strictly by the court order. Let her know you will abide by her wishes both now and in the future. And to assist in the planning of any upcoming events, you will require a bona fide written offer of  trade in parenting time to consider not exercising any of your court ordered parenting times. Indicate you have been researching the importance of the father child relationships in their futures and you will take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that time is enforced to the maximum. Say that you are sure the kids will understand the reduction in extra cirricular activities when BM explains it to them, as you know BM will agree that the kids' future mental health is more important than how to make a human pyramid, tie knots or tumble.

Don't explain too much or she will not read it. Stay vague while getting the message across.

[Foster_Mom]

I have read your advice on the letter to write and belive me she would go crazy. I agree with you in that this would ultimatly get a responce from BM. She is mad any way becuse she has to share time up to 3 days shy per month of half time. per the cort order and recently told DH that she was taking him to cort again to have the NCP time reduced as she did not feel she should have given him any time at all in the last mediation. Can she do that without proving him unfit? BM would in fact read the whole letter if my hubby wrote it and then probably would threten to take him back to court to have his NCP time taken away from him becuse he is not letting the children do thier activitys. How would the courts see the letter? I dont want my DH to lose anytime with his kids becuse he did not bend over backward to work with BM. What it boils down to is that DH is afraid to loose anything he currently has and BM would fly off the handle if he just stopped bending over backward to meet her every condition and demand and I would not want the judge to view this as we just got stubborn and thus are the problem in this parenting agreement.

[joni]

I too think you would have a hard time going to court over this because 1) it's the BM's court ordered time 2) the BM's taking a vacation with the child during this time (and holiday by the way and 3) it's not the wedding of an immediate relative.

You can try once last appeal to hear and remind her of all of the time's you conceded and let her have the child on your parenting time, like the step uncle's funeral or that the child missed your own wedding.  You didn't have to do that and you were nice and did it.

If she won't budge, chalk it up to experience.  Plan your big events for your parenting time and remember when BM has the exceptional plans that fall during your parenting time, like a wedding on her side of the family, tell her to go pound dirt.

Now don't confuse apples with oranges.  Events like gymnastics and boy scouts are events are really for THE CHILDREN, not BM.  As the children get older, the court will listen to the kids when they want to go to their own events that you do not support....or attend...and you may wind up losing parenting time in the future for you.  This will only backfire on you.  I recommend that you attend the gymnastics and boy scouts that fall on your time and make sure you take the children to it.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I think you've gotten some sound guidance here.

The one additional item I'll mention is that you need to comprehend that BM is not a reasonable person, and compromise simply doesn't work with people who are not reasonable.

Stick to the court orders, and your lives will be more peaceful.

Unfortunately, your family will have to learn to contact you first if it's important for your stepkids to be involved in family events that they're planning.

I also agree that a simple lettter, sent to BM, would be fine (you may also wish to purchase a lottery ticket, as you'll have better odds at success).

Letter from husband can be,  "BM, my sister-in-law is getting married on DATE, which is your custodial time with the kids.  If you're willing, I'll trade DATE for that weekend, so you have no loss of time with the kids.  Please recall the occasions I've accommodated your family events that have occurred during my custodial time.  If such flexibility is important to you in the future, I would hope you would be able to accommodate this request too."

Boom, done.

But other than that, you have no legal remedy, I don't think, unless SD is also getting a kidney transplant that weekend, and the bride is the donor, and the surgeon will be doing the operation while the wedding ensues all around the operating table.

Lesson learned (as we've all learned)... don't count on generosity or flexibility of the other parent for important family functions.

[mickey24]

We have this problem, You have to plan things on your time not hers. Or the step kids will not be able to go but do not give in to her. If it is your time do not let her have them. Or she will be the master of your strings and you will be her pupet. I have been dealing with this for over 5 years now we do not tell her obout thing to the last min. Like going out of town or us getting married. If it is on are time she can not stop it, but if it is on hers good luck she will stop them from going.

[wendl]

Thats why dh and I planned our wedding when the kids were with us during summer. Our family also makes sure BIG plans are done when we have the kids so they are not left out.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[4honor]

it means BM will have to trade any missed time due to the activities BM signs them up for. DH's time is limited. If he continues to give away his time the courts will assume he does not wish the time he has.

If she wants time that is not "hers" make sure he offers several other times as his make up. If she will not trade - in writing, just stand your ground and keep his time, as he has bent over backward to be flexible and she was refused all his offers.