taking steps to appointments

[dipper]

As you may remember, my dh has spent the last two years all but begging to know about doctor, counseling, and school appointments before they take place.  Bm ignored him 90% of the time.  She also always made comments when he complained that he was being selfish....isnt it more important that these things be taken care of for SS than he be there?  

Dh has notified bm of more appts in the past four months since he took custody than she did the entire 5 years she had ss.  Okay....last week ss hurt his hand...it was swollen in one area.  School nurse said it didnt seem broken, but an x-ray would be best.  I had told ss to go to her and have her call me....so, I talked to her and called the doctor's office.  That afternoon, I took ss in for an xray.  It was tissue damage.  They put a brace on it, told him to come back in a week for a check-up on it.

That night we went out and got back kinda late.  SS called his mom the next day after school.  They spoke briefly and she told him to have dh call her.  That night, she called back and chewed dh out.  Why wasnt she notified earlier........and IF he cannot take ss to the doctor, he is to call her and she will take him herself.  But, they are the parents, not me.

Now, even when ss was burned badly - dh was the last person she called.....and in other instances, dh wouldnt know about stuff until ss called or he got the bill for it.  While she may have taken ss to all appts, she did so because she refused to allow dh to do any of this....and .....she did not take ss to counseling appts or the dentist.  His counselor closed the acct and his teeth rotted because of this neglect....

Yet, she is willing to drive two hours here just to make sure that I dont take him.  Also, I am sure she thinks that would sound good in court....his dad would not take him and I had to leave work and drive two hours to do it.....

Now, the doctor doesnt have any evening appts open, so looks like I am taking him.  BM has told ss that she is picking him up from school and doing it....This is not on her time.....I have a limited power of attorney to cover this....and, we pay the medical bills.  

So, dh is going to alert the school that she is not to pick up ss.  I can see that there is going to be problems at the doctor's office....but, according to Soc, I am on an even playing field with bm.  This will be really stressful, but she is not controlling our lives.  

This has nothing to do with ss' welfare and everything to do with her hatred of me......

Does anyone else deal with this?

[ocean]

I have taken my SD to the dr and the dr's office had no issue with it. Not the best advice but....Honestly, since she is making that big of a deal, you could change the appointment to the day before, just pull SS out of school without him knowing beforehand and take him to dr. Then have DH call her and say dr had opening a day earlier and you took him. This one is done and over. You guys are custodial parents now. OR  have your DH handle it and have him pick SS from dr a little early after telling her that he will meet her at the dr's office.

[Sunshine1]

Yeah, you blew this one.  You are trying waaay too hard to be accommodating to her.  Does it say in the order you are to notify her of every flippin appointment and arrange both your schedules so that you can ALL go to a check up? ( if it does, I am afriad you are stuck,if not proceed to the next paragraph :) )

That is totally nuts.  BM would drive 8 hours to take the kids to an appointment if we asked her to.  The point is, this does not fall under "MAJOR" appointments, this is routine, and daily care of the child which falls under your regular custodial duties.  You don't have to tell her nothing unless SS happens to mention it.

I think over half of her crap would stop if you just stopped telling her every little thing.  She is still cooling off, go bout your business, and tell her the important stuff.  She's on a need to know basis, and she don't need to know.

As for this appointment, get an earlier time slot to avoid the whole thing.  There is most certainly going to be some kind of altercation at school or the Dr's office.  Go a day earlier, or even hours earlier and get it over with and next time dodge the bullet by taking care of the routine things on your own.

A trick I have learned is, I keep all appointments to myself until the actual time of the appointment.  If the SS's get wind there is a therapy appt, conferences, dr, even HAIRCUT appointment it is sure to be sabotaged by BM in some fashion.  I have cut the ENTIRE drama scene out by giving them a note before they go to school and telling them they have an appointment.  Haircut, I tell them when we get there, dr, dentist, and so on.  I even go so far as driving a different way each time so they can't tell her where the hell the place is....but my situation is in crazytown USA and extreme measures need to be taken.  LOL

BTW..What ever happened to the guy next door?  You haven't mentioned that whole saga in awhile, didn't the wife get out of jail?

Good Luck....tell us how it goes and what you decide.

[dipper]

First, thank you ocean and sunshine!!  Now, bm has not called ss since she told him she would be picking him up and taking him to doctor.  And...she didnt show today and she hasnt called ss.....Guess she was yanking our chains.

I cancelled the appt this morning....it was a bruise and swelling after all, and he is fine now.....Will talk to doctor about any other concerns when he gets a new adderall prescription in a couple of weeks.  There is nothing pressing.....

Now, dh notified the school that she is not pick up ss unless ss delivers a letter written by dh with permission.....and I had decided that if I took ss today I was ready to take her on.....but, that didnt happen anyway.  

Now, ss was the one who told her about the hand.  It would have been fine before she knew.  Maybe we are telling too much...we have been trying to keep her informed, but it only leads to more stress because of the games.

As for the neighbor...yes, the wife is home.  i expect to hear she and bm are best buddies......Anyway, the neighbor is with his wife now.  BM is on atleast her third dating experience with her cousin.  she cycles through him once a year for a few months.  last year it began in August..and this year the same - while she was still hoping neighbor would stay with her.

Her cousin is actually paying attention to ss for the first time ever...he and bm have dated on and off for the past 5 years.  SS likes him this time because he has cool stuff like an expensive crossbow...and let ss borrow several 'cool' video games.  

By the way, we didnt send any letter to BM either.  

[MixedBag]

Dip, just remember to be the bigger parent and do what's right.

Everything else will fall into place on it's own after that.

You have a PM.

[dipper]

Yeah...one thing we thought would be an improvement when dh got custody was that both parents would be involved.